want to get back in touch

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i've been off the board for months and i apologize for disappearing. some of it was my life imploding, some of it was being homeless and the enormous amount of work and stress that creates (i was actually living in the woods, no lie). simple tasks like staying clean, getting food, recharging my phone, and hiding from the police and people who might prove dangerous is a full-time occupation.

since i was last active on this board i've gone from arizona to massachusetts and then to florida to get help with non-ASD related issues, although i'm having to live with people to save money and participate in outpatient treatment that in no way is tailored to someone with ASD. it's so stressful and i'm so discouraged i'm about ready to go back to the woods, but that's another story.

the one light at the end of the tunnel is i did finally find a psychologist who does neurological and psychological testing and who specializes in autism spectrum. she's done a preliminary interview, which was pretty extensive, and has confirmed for me that i very likely place on the spectrum as well as experiencing very pronounced PTSD.

tomorrow and early next week i will complete many hours of formal testing to rule out things like non-verbal learning disorders and i expect rule-in ASD. i did a little research on the topic and i'm pretty certain the NVLD is not applicable and will be ruled out; i'm too good at math and spatial reasoning/visualization. But, I'll know in a few days. The doctor asked me some other questions that got me thinking and researching and i'm realizing i have some significant OCD tendencies. It's frankly a little overwhelming. Like while I'm sitting in group I can't stop mentally cutting the boards on the floor into thirds. I obsess about where to divide the boards so the overall pattern will be symmetrical. I literally have gotten to where I can't look down, it's driving me crazy. There's self-knowledge and then there's holy s**t, really? that too? insight. I mean, all i'm losing is illusions (and a lot of self-recrimination), but i honestly have no idea how to proceed from here. i don't want to be forced to live with other people just to avoid living on the street. Not because I'm special or entitled but because I literally can't stand how it makes me feel. Especially people who have no clue what i'm going through, and constantly expecting me to be able to handle structure and responsibilities designed for NTs. There's various levels of supportive housing and services available here, but i truly detest florida and i'm not sure how long it would take to get those supports in place, or whether they are truly any help. So many services are well-intended wastes of taxpayer money. I say that having worked from inside the system for a number of years, including working in homeless shelters. Having now become homeless, I realize how clueless I really was, and how and why many of those services failed the very people they were intended to help. Will state-sponsored ASD services be any different? I'm willing to find out once I'm armed with a diagnosis, but I really don't expect anything to come of it. If it does, i'll be pleasantly surprised.

i have missed y'all very much especially those i felt closer to, including but not limited to skibum and auntblabby, whose support over the last year i have much appreciated. again I'm really sorry about disappearing. i was completely overwhelmed. i'm struggling to read new threads. i just feel like if i don't post soon i'm going to completely vanish, and not just from online. so if what i said here is boring or self-absorbed, i'm sorry about that. sometimes it's just hard to get started participating again.

Hi Opi,

Welcome back. I hope you've found a nice place to live.

Glad to see you are back. I enjoy your posts.

It's good to have you back on board.

good to see you back. you have a lot going on. I hope it all pans out for you. X

Are you about to get an official diagnosis?
Can you apply for disability?
Disability is meant for people who are too disabled to provide an income and sheltered living for themselves and "function" the way a person is supposed to be function.
I am on disability on myself after having been diagnosed and got tested again by disability services.

Welcome back Opi. I have really missed you. Your original post brought me to tears but I am glad you are alive. Having not heard from you for so long I had feared the worst. I will pray that everything works out really well for you and that your diagnosis will really help you get the services you need. Keep us posted the best you can on how you are doing. I am so happy to hear from you.

Love and hugs,
Skibum

Hey Cockney Rebel, How about one of those awesome Sweet Pea hugs to welcome back and encourage Opi!

I was thinking about you a couple days ago. I too thought you were dead. I'm used to people suddenly vanishing off WP, usually after they talk about suicide. (Anybody remember Esther J? She was talking about suicide, and saying how depressed she was, then she was gone.) Given that you have a history of abusive relationships, I worried that you'd met some guy who decided to kill you and dump your body somewhere where it would never be found. I'm glad you're still alive. How did you end up in Florida? It's really expensive there.

I don't think I've ever had any interaction with you before but I do remember your thread about your difficult situation. I was really worried about you as I didn't see your posts for a long time. I'm relieved to see your post although your situation still doesn't sound that great.

I am really glad you have returned to this site.
I was worried about you.
I am relieved that you are relatively well.

We are on your side, Opi, I hope you know that.

I hope your needs can be met.
Be well.

Hi thanks I was afraid no one would replying! I am on disability already for the ptsd. I'm Just hoping to access more supportive services than currently available especially help with housing maybe with employment as well. Suicide for the record no I get depressed at times but never to that point. Bad people on the other hand yeesh. Now just to be fair to my homeless brethren I never actually felt threatened by anyone but the cops but so scared after getting hurt by that guy I fled and that whole experi nce I just buried myself out of sight. More afraid of those who prey on the homeless than most others in the same situation. If I become homes or home free again in a city I'll seek out other women. But that's not imminent this second and for now I have my phone if I lose wifi I can get online with it. I seriously appreciate the moral support. The hardest part about living wild is becoming invisible.

We are so glad to have you back Opi. I hope you never have to be homeless again.

Hi Opi! I'm glad you're back, I was really concerned that you stopped your updates.
Sorry stuff is so tough for you still, but it seems like maybe you are on a good road.
Don't disappear any more!

Hi, Opi. I've been away, too. I'm glad you're back and not in the woods. There must be support in this country to help you have a roof over your head and food in your body. At least I hope so. I wonder if your local Catholic church St. Vincent DePaul Society can help.

hi skibum, hi wozaree, hi JSBachlover, good to see you guys again. homeless is tough but now that i know a little more how to go about it, frankly i prefer it to living the way i'm living now. the constant noise, chaos, disruptions, rules and expectations, and the PEOPLE constantly in my space, has taken me to the breaking point. i've decided to go to california, probably northern california, next week, as soon as i'm done with the neuropsych testing. spent my last 200 bucks on a plane ticket.

it may sound crazy, but at this point i'd rather live out of my backpack, get a big dog, and see some redwoods, than spend a second longer in florida. i hate florida anyway (i knew this before i got here) (and i was in the woods in massachusetts, which i hate just as much), but this situation (transitional living) is a recipe for disaster and i'd rather control my exit than find myself getting re-hospitalized (in florida anyone, and i mean anyone, can legally "baker-act" you into a psych ward) for having a meltdown, or roaming the mean streets of fort lauderdale. california has its share of problems and problem people, but i like the west coast and now i know what to do. i'll grab a motel room once every other week for a night and get a hot shower and sleep on a bed. i have everything else i need in a good backpack. if it REALLY sucks, in two weeks i can get another plane ticket and come back to the hellhole. but now that i know what i'm getting into, i have a hard time believing it will actually feel worse. i think i will get a big-ass dog to protect me, but i know things i can do to make sure i'm safe anyway.

okay f**k this is exactly what i mean. someone just walked into my room with an armful of sheets and told me i have a new roommate. thanks i love sharing a 10x10 room with someone i never met. god damn it!! !! four more days...