Self Respect = Self Esteem?

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The concept of respecting others is easy to understand for me. You treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. When one of my counselors told me that my greatest problem is a lack of self-respect, I wasn't sure what to answer to that or even think of it.

Self-Respect? A quick google search brought me to the term self-esteem.. I guess they are used interchangably.

How does one start "respecting" oneself? Do they honestly expect me to believe that my worth is equal to fully functional people who know how to socialize, attract friends and a significant other... people who go on to develop a good career and raise kids and become accepted members of society?

I'm a realist foremost, and I can see very clearly that I am not worth as much as others. I cannot perform as well as others, I cannot deliver the "social goods" that people need so much in their lives like friendship and love.... I feel like half a human at best.

Of course most aspies lack self respect... they are realists and they see what others do compared to what they have done with their own lives. This would make anyone who goes through this experience lose self-respect... I've had too many friends and acquaintances desert me, and too many people telling me "you need to change" or "you need help"... basicaly affirming that I am not their equal.

How do I convince myself that I deserve more self-respect? How do I convince myself of that lie? Does anyone have a good logical philosophy they have come up with to convince themselves otherwise?

What is the best logical rationalization for us to feel like we deserve self respect/self esteem?

I don't see how something you believe is a lie is going to help much. You may make progress if you instead look at things that are true and good, or at least things you believe are so.

I know it is inevitable that most will compare themselves to NTs and make quantitative and/or qualitative judgements based on that, but I think that is a version of comparing Apples to Oranges. I don't think comparing yourself to other autistics is good either. We are all scattered across the spectrum.

But I do think you can compare yourself to yourself. In other words evaluate your progress by comparing how you do something now with how you did it previously. It can be in anything, like physical, social, work orientated, or positive interaction or effect orientated. You may have already done some things that took effort or are positive. Maybe only you know about it, but you can give yourself credit for it.

I'm confused as to how they are interchangeable. I have close to zero self-esteem, but I have a great deal of self-respect.

This may be way off from dictionary and/or clinical definitions, but I've always seen self-respect as the value I place on an ability or characteristic of myself. It may or may not be shared by another, but can be. For instance; I can respect my honesty and forthrightness. Someone who doesn't necessarily like me might respect that I am honest while still holding a low opinion of me as a person.

Which leads me to self-esteem, which is my own belief in my value as a person. I can see myself as kind or attractive, or even harsh and plain looking; but regardless of what qualities I have, I believe I deserve consideration as much (or as little) as the next person.

I have a sneaking suspicion that self-esteem is a surrogate for self-love in clinical texts where the word "love" is seen as too vague or overloaded a term.

But the two could be turned around too. Self-esteem becomes self-admiration (a synonym), and self-respect could be the reason you want to avoid people who don't genuinely like you or who are prone to take you for granted or misuse your trust.

So I just said nothing. Or something. Oh well. Hope it helps.

This is basically why I stopped bothering going to therapy...tried that thing for a bit with a few 'specialists' and realized it was basically a 'here's how you fake being like everyone else to get what you want'. NT's have an incredible capacity to delude themselves and therapists/psychologists literally operate upon that very thing to achieve 'healing' (replacing one lie with a better, less painful lie more like it).

Self respect and self esteem are not an accurate definition in my opinion. One can have both and still acknowledge there is one critical issue in life that there is no cure for nor that can be controlled or worked around that royally screws you in what is literally the most important aspect in life. It no surprise AS has such a high suicide rate because of that particular problem.

Self-respect and self esteem should come from what is in your heart, not from your ability to socialize and have a good career. Especially if you have a disability that makes those things hard.
Do you care about people, do you love animals, are you an honest person, do you have integrity etc.

Psychology has changed so much over the last fifty years, but each little branch means learning a whole new vocabulary. I have spent many hours talking to different types of therapists over the years. Self-esteem comes up often. I have come to believe that a person with high self-esteem is a person who feels that they know what is going on in their world. They may be totally wrong, but they feel secure and cozy in their thoughts about their world. Lots of people get that feeling from pastimes, or obsessions, or special interests. But when they go outside, or into a busy mall, they don't FEEL that at all. A person with high self-esteem has that sense of control and understanding 24/7.

So self-esteem is an emotion. A feeling. I believe that it feels like the aesthetic emotion... that is you "get it." You understand deeply what the artist was trying to convey. We, or many of us I should say, feel that when we are totally immersed in our special interest, or a game that we have mastered.

Last edited by tall-p on 08 Oct 2014, 7:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

To me, self-respect is synonymous with boundaries. It means not accepting poor treatment for yourself simply because you can't deliver products, as if there is no baseline of humane treatment for people simply because they're human beings. Refusing to spend time with people who are cruel, disrespectful, and dangerous, or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of in order to have company.

Adjectives are usually pretty limited when it comes to peoples' minds.

For what it's worth... to me it's all to do with locus of control http://ifeelstuck.co.uk/locus-of-control/

I have an internal one but have learned that not everything is in my control. I can not MAKE people like me but at the same time, if I don't like myself why should anyone else like me?

Self respect is how I see myself in terms of being a valuable addition to life on this planet.
Self respect is getting up in the morning, having a shower, not eating the wrong foods, stuff like that.
Self respect is about asking for help when I need it, getting some sleep when I need it
Self Esteem on the other hand is gained through how much of the rest of the human race sees me as an useful addition.
And if enough people see me as a waste of space on this planet I will wonder why I bother too and that will in turn effect my wish to make an effort to look after myself.

So the two kind of the same but not quite.

Well, that's my logic anyway.

It looks like you guys are mainly talking about reasons for self respect and self esteem and not defining the ideas themselves. Maybe self esteem is gained "through how much of the rest of the human race sees me as an useful addition", for you. I can understand your point of view. What if, on the other hand, I was a misanthrope? Well, I would have entirely different reasons for esteeming myself.

Esteem and respect are basically synonyms but how they are used today I would say that esteeming a person is liking him/her and respecting a person is giving him/her what credit you think is due. So on this basis self esteem is how much you like yourself and self respect is how much credit you think you deserve.

But folks, this is all partly divergent from the OP because the OP was asking for reasons to have high self esteem and self respect. There's been more discussion of definitions than help for the OP, so let's try and stay on track with that because it seems that he genuinely needs it.

What I can say to you, Alevai, is that other people don't need to be your yardstick here and there are some pretty clear reasons why they aren't that great of a yardstick either. People are oftentimes capricious. They can also be unappreciative, ignorant, insensitive, careless, malicious, etc. That so many people don't appreciate you isn't necessarily a negative indication about you at all because people are far from perfect. Do you think that the ways you spend your time are worthy ways for someone to spend their time? Do you think you contribute to things that are worthy of contribution (regardless of the opinions of others about this subject or that, comic books, etc.)? These are the types of questions you should ask yourself and if you don't like the answers you can make some effort to change that.

It's not necessarily the same.

You might have high self esteem but lack of self respect. Which means you are confident about your own abilities and know you have right to live your life but at the same time you choose to ignore your own needs because you know you are strong enough to do it.

You might have high self respect but low self esteem. Which means you will constantly fight for your needs being fulfilled but at the same time you will blame yourself for being weak and using other people so much.

When you have both self esteem and self respect you fulfill your needs and know you deserve it.

When you lack both you take only what live gives you not fighting for anything more and you still feel not worth it.

Aspies tend toward the specific and defined. The terms "self-respect" and "self esteem" are both relatively non-specific. They are useful in drum beating emotional stimulation such as school programs that get children chanting "I am awesome".

Truth is the best antidote for both those who think themselves too great and those who think themselves to little.

Aspies might tend to think too little of themselves as our collectivized society (especially schools) tend to elevate the norm and consider anything outside the norm as defective.

The best solution to having been damaged by the imprint of the collective is not to run around telling yourself that you are really great, but to see yourself in truth. We are all better in some things than others and often we need to work in areas we are weaker in.