I feel horrible

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I always feel unstable and I frequently have just a general feeling of confusion. Not about any one thing, it just feels like nothing makes sense, and it makes it hard for me to even think, let alone communicate.

I have basically no emotion other than anger. I often can't organize my thoughts well. Even normally enjoyable activities will seem like a chore, including things that are special interests of mine.

Every day at work is absolute torture, I just can't take all the yelling and sounds and chaos and people constantly rushing me and giving me tons of instructions and spraying me with water. I was able to cope with it just fine at first, but it's been 5 months since I started. Now when I'm at work, the entire time I feel really fatigued; I also feel very tense inside, and it just gets worse and worse. By the end of the day I feel the urge to just curl up in a corner and cry, it is that bad.

Even after work, I am in a constant state of irritation and I find it hard to do anything other than worry about how horrible tomorrow is going to be as well. Then I feel so anxious about it that I don't get to sleep, because I want to postpone getting up for work and having that horrible feeling as long as possible. But then I get even more tired. It's absolutely horrible. I am looking for another job, but so far have had no luck. I feel totally stuck in this cycle, and one day I'm going to snap and do something that gets me fired. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I have a lot of this daily. It got amplified today when it came to my attention that I'm not on the budget next year. My boss is obsessed with image and believes that we need this all-star staff if my place of employment is to look good and get more funding. She showed me the resume of one of her former students. I think I had more qualifications than this person for the position that I have right now, but because this girl got her Bachelor's degree from Georgetown University, I am not worthy of a job here. So I got the "You're staying until December 31st but in the meantime start organizing your stuff for this girl to work on when she gets here."

I'm very depressed about it and am trying to console myself with simple things. I'm looking for other jobs and don't exactly see how staying until December 31st would do me any good. One day my boss likes what I do. The next day she scorns it just because of superficial stuff like this. I probably don't want to continue working for someone like that, but at the same time, I wonder about my adequacy as an employee lately.

I hope you feel better, or that things get better soon.

You have to love your job and love doing it
You have to love your boss and love exceeding his expectations
You have to be a team player and take one for the team

You have to
because we said so
and we will kill you if you don't


AMERICA
slightly different that Russia and China

Your situation as well as your responses and feelings are all too familiar. You are describing a period in your life that very closely resembles one I experienced at about the same age. My solution was to quit my job and relocate 1500 miles away. There I found a good job and good working environment and was able to live alone and eventually sort out what my problems were. After about four years, I was able to return to school and eventually get my engineering degree. I was fortunate in finding a few friends who were able to help me work my problems out during that four year period and I owe them a great debt of gratitude.

Thanks for all the advice. I actually just got called for an interview, to work as a woodworking assistant, so I am really hoping this goes well. I am sure building cabinets will be more fun than washing trucks, considering I actually like building things