Really messed up right now.

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I have really bad anxiety along with my Asperger's. I always thought that it was because of school, so I assumed it would go away after high school so I didn't go to college. Then, I tried working and I couldn't handle that. So now, I have spent the last several months not leaving the house except for maybe a couple of hours here and there; it's all I can handle. Now, I have reached a point where I don't even want to leave the house. In fact, I won't even leave my bedroom. If my parents want me to leave the room, I have a fight or a meltdown. I never feel like eating, and I often forget to bathe and brush my teeth, etc. I absentmindedly spend days in the same clothing, or I lay in bed naked and won't let anyone in the room because just the thought of finding different clothes to wear makes me have a panic attack. I spend hours and hours stimming and making up delusional fantasies about my life, people I know, celebrities, or things about history or my past. I go online and read NC17 fanfiction for hours and hours and touch myself all the time in my closet. Then, I lay around in bed and think about the X-rated text or images that I looked at and think about TV shows and things I made up in my head. I hardly ever sleep, and when I do I have dreams about things being possessed or haunted, people being murdered, other people or myself performing bizarre sex acts, me giving birth to insects or insects crawling everywhere. I also dream about my mother being pregnant, me getting drunk, large crowds of people in strange places, getting trapped in abandoned hospitals and other buildings, or I hallucinate and think there are ghosts in my room talking to me in another language and moving things in my room. I am off my meds now, but this doesn't seem all that different from before. I have to pee and poop constantly and I am also having dry eyes and sensitivity to light but I won't put any drops in my eyes because of a phobia so now I can't get new glasses. I am having hypnagogic experiences and I spend lots of time looking up medical problems and other upsetting stuff online but I feel like I can't give up Internet. My mom tries to limit me and when I don't have Internet/computer it feels like I have lost a loved one or like a part of myself has been ripped away. I keep thinking about the guy I like and I feel upset that I've never been kissed, etc. I am always having nightmares about him kissing other girls and having sex with them and me seeing pictures of it on Facebook and my parents laughing at me. I also keep dreaming about all the schools I have been to and the teachers that were there and in my mind the schools are haunted or I dream about college and fighting with my family or me trying to pay teachers money not to make me take math class. Oh my God my life is such a mess and I feel so out of control. HELP MEEE!! !

Also, I don't know if this is bad, but I never even remember what day it is or what day of the week it is. Usually I just know the month. I also removed all the clocks from my room and now I lose track of time and don't even know what time it is usually. It feels like I'm going to die or go crazy and my anxiety won't go away. I even had a dream that I found a psychic message that said there was going to be a terrorist attack in 2 years and the date and that there would be a plane crash. I am not having the intrusive thoughts like when I was younger. Half the time I have no thoughts at all and feel detached from reality, like everything is a dream and I try to make up another imaginary life for myself because I hate the one I have. I can hardly even tell if I exist and its so scaryyy!! !! !

Hey,

That's a really awful situation, noone deserves to feel like that. I would say that it sounds like you have depression and the anxiety that can come with that. You need to see your GP with these symptoms and get a referral to a psychiatrist, preferably one who is familiar with AS.

Thanks,

You seem to be describing the knife edge of a manic episode...which could very well be because you're off the meds and that does quite a job on people until your body finally washes all that off.

It will be hard but please do tell your mom about this and have your doctor be informed... who knows, there could be something he could do to help ease the transition (if its that) or help you with this.

a proven strategy to deal with anxiety is to face the fear in little bits. for example, you could decide to stay outside your room for five minutes twice a day for a week. then increase it to ten minutes the next week. it helps to have a therapist to plan this with.

i'm sorry you are so uncomfortable.