EMotional pain

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i have a brother who is class A narcissist and i dont have a good relationship with him.
i think it due to the fact that as a child was embarrassing for him as i did not know how to fit in whilst he could do extremely well in social situations.

as we grew older we fought constantly and i became more and more isolated and weird. i remember once time he laughed at me and poked fun at me for years because a kid said to me "i So and so your mother" but since it was before school started i replied with "how could you my mother is still asleep". he loved to show me my mistakes and throw them in my face whilst laughing. at the same time he would enjoy turning people against me further isolating myself.

i think i have reached that stage beyond needing people and i am happy with being alone.

i went through my exploration (0- 8 ) stage to hiding the fact that i couldn't cope by emulating extroverts stage(8 -18 ) to not knowing where to fit in and hating my self (18 - 20 ) and finally the I know better than to try to be someone else but me stage

someone once told my they suspected that i had a form of autism when i was in my hiding stage and i did not realize it until now. i completely forgot about the suggestion until i started to research about autism because i met my little nephew who had severe autism for the first time last year. i then remember what that person told me and i couldn't believe that she was comparing him to me which kinda pissed me off because my nephew although very smart ignores people completely and meltdowns frequently.

i found about aspergers and i took test after test and im starting to see where she is coming from however i don't want to go for a diagnoses but i hate being observed and it feels like being in pageant or more accurately being judged like a subhuman but at the same time i want to confirm.

i think i tried to copy him when i was younger because he could cope and people enjoyed being around him. my confusion level increase faster than my level of knowledge.

if i forgive him, he could go back to the same old however if i will probably come off as a product of that individuals whims not to mention the constant forgive him or condescending lectures from family members

practical advice is welcomed

Forgiveness only has meaning if the other guy has truly realized his bad ways and is truly repentant. Note that I said 'truly' not superficially.

forgiveness is not synonymous with reconcilliation.