you need to "get over it"

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today my dad told me he was sorry if he was making me uncomfortable when he hugs me, because i always tell him i dont like people touching me etc. but then he goes and says "but, it's just something you're going to have to get over"



"get over it" "you have to get over this" why do people always say this?!

how is it possible to "get over" disliking touch? i already push myself out of my comfort zone by letting older relatives hug me goodbye etc, what else do these people want?! they also tell me this about my great dislike/aversion to driving (although i have drove a bunch, taking siblings to school and such), my depression, my anxiety etc etc

get over it, get over it. why can't they get over it and just realize i have some problems? i have not been diagnosed with anything other than depression and various anxiety stuff, i am still working on an outline to show a therapist since talking to them never seems to get me anywhere. will getting diagnosed help at all?

do people tell you to just get over your problems too? words arent my strong suit, so i'm not sure how to explain to them that i cannot! why do they think you can just get over it anyway?

Social pressure attempts to assimilate and control us in every way.

We are the oddballs for resisting. We are the minority.

Well peoples kids do get over a lot of stuff. So that's probably their line of thought. Like a kid getting over being scared of the dark etc. You're not a kid anymore but I'm sure they've been thinking you'll get over it since you were a kid. If you can see a therapist it will probably help you in a number of ways. Hopefully by backing you up that this is just how you operate. How you are wired. There's nothing wrong about not liking people handling you. There's plenty of people without autism who don't like to hug or shake hands etc. That's probably why the fist bump was invented.

Try punching him in the nose every time he does that, then say "Oh, I'm sorry that hurts, but you're just going to have to get over it!"

YES, that was a joke (probably a bad one--sorry).

However, while extreme, that is the kind of understanding he'd need--imagine someone doing something that really, really made him uncomfortable, and then just saying he needed to "get over it"? How would he feel?

I can't quite think of an example...anything he finds really, really annoying, that in the greater scheme of things isn't (or shouldn't be) a "big deal", is even considered "normal".

I actually like Conundrum's idea a lot. Perhaps not in the nose, maybe the shoulder or something. Hard enough to get your point across that that is a lot like what hugging feels like to you. I don't have a problem with hugs, but I do hate other kinds of touch, such as people putting their hands on my shoulders or head, or tapping me in any way. If my mom puts her hand on my back to make me move forward or out of the way, I recoil; I hate it. Sometimes treating others the way they treat you is the only way of making them really understand how you feel. Things like this really bother me. I hate it when majority populations tell minorities to just "get over" something because it invalidates our experiences.

^agreed.

it may take a while to get the message through that you do not want to be touched, at first he may think you are simply being aggressive. but i would be careful that it just doesn't become a back and forth thing. but still that could certainly help.

my parents would not really understand if i simply recoil or shirk away from such things like touching and hugs, they'd insist i was rude and make me go and do it again or apologize. explaining does help if they don;t dismiss it as an "excuse", depends how informed they are about ASD traits and YOU.

"Get over it" comes across as very flip (no matter who says it; it's not just because it's family). And arrogant and dismissive of the amount of hard work it takes to "get over" anything.

That being said, when it comes to fears, phobias, and the over sensitivities (to touch and other stimuli that come with being Aspergers), sometimes it IS in our own best interests if we can desensitize ourselves, at least a little bit. But only you can decide what things about yourself that you want to change and to what degree. And only you can decide when you're ready to try.

That's awful. I'm okay with hugs from significant others, or if a friend needs one then I can do it. Even with them I do not like my face or head area touched, and I don't like light touch. I've had a couple people try to brush my face or "pet" my head after I've told them multiple times how it feels to me, and jerked away violently and they just say "No, calm down, you'll get used to it." ARE YOU SERIOUS. I've been like this for as long as I can remember and you think you can magically fix it? The last person who did it after I told them not to was lucky I had enough self control to just pin their arm down and say "Stop. I'm serious".

Honestly, irregardless of who you are, if you mention that something bothers you and they still do it that's disrespectful. I didn't like being hugged or touched growing up and, thankfully, my family supported me on it (though they never suspected ASD). Your family should respect you and find a better way to express their love. You shouldn't have to 'get over' anything.

Ah yes, the old "get over it" response. You know how you answer someone who says "what is it with you and being touched, get over it"? Say "what is it with you and your touching me against my wishes? What is it with you and your outmoded idea that someone can just get over a phobia or mental condition? You get over it."

thanks for the replies everyone! i would respond back individually but it's almost 2 am and i feel i am already rambling

and yes i have tried to explain to him (and others) before that i dont like it but usually he will say "Not even your parents?!" or "but i'm your dad!" you are still a person yes? then stop! but he will only stop for that time and would still do it again anyways. today when he said 'your family loves you, and they want to show that with affection. you just have to get over this." i responded with "i dont like to be touched so THEY need to get over it and not touch me" but i guess my tone or something made him just laugh. when i am serious everyone thinks i'm joking i dont understand.

and it's not like it's a new thing, i've always been like this and he's always just laughed and done it anyways. like ezraS said, i think he thinks i will grow out of it even though i'm 22 now...and i recoil when touched. i would do as you guys suggested but punching them means i would still have to touch them. maybe i should wear gloves joking

the worst is when someone walks past you and you never know if they will reach out and touch you on the shoulder or head or something must be on constant alert

and i never realized the get over it response is disrespectful. i knew it bothered me but i couldn't put it exactly into words. disrespectful! thank you, now the topic is a little less blurry for me

I like hugs very much....with the right people. And that's a very low number of people. I can't explain what my reasons are, I just like it, or I don't.

I agree about what has been said here. Although, I would like to point out that we live in a society where everybody has to take effort. So you can at least try it. If you feel very uncomfortable when they touch you, fine, tell them. Then they don't have that right. If you are indifferent about it, let them. It makes them happy. It can create a stronger connection between people, and that may be important.

Because dealing well with the crap people impose upon you is one of the main keys to maturity as a person and success as an adult.

You are not recognizing his identity in the context in which it is expected.
He wants this to be within the context of a hierarchy, where it is ok and allowed for himself and close family members, but perhaps not strangers. For him/them that is just how it works and they expect everyone to assimilate into such hierarchies.

For you the issue is a real one of another human touching you, and that exists as a real fact outside of any identities or imagined hierarchies. That is extremely difficult for them to comprehend.

Suppressing real emotions is the key to emulating the behavior of successful psychopaths. It's otherwise known as emotional maturity.
It is aggressively enforced and failures are punished by either pressures of expected guilt, shame, or by simply withholding equal consideration.

Your Dad probably can't fathom why you wouldn't enjoy a hug. If you do get an autism diagnosis this may give him more motivation to understand where you're coming from. Right now he's in denial. Personally I think if you've expressed displeasure in something people should be respectful of that, but in the real world NTs are rarely willing to budge. I hate to say it, but I think you're going to have to deal with the hugging. And I know, it's horrible.