new stuff and a panicky situation

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I ordered some stuff from this website http://www.stimtastic.co/

It is a small selection but the stuff that is on it is actually useful. The person who owns the site has ASD and knows her business. I don't now about you, but I've been to websites selling stuff for stimming and sensory items, and most of it that is affordable looks either useless or totally overstimulating or visually painful, with the exception of the so-called DNA Balls and zipper jewelry. I wanted to post a sort of review, if that is allowed, and a brief sob story (not the fault of Stimtastic, though).

So I ordered two Knotted Paracord Keychains, one yellow/black for the contrast (especially nice when spinning it though yellow and black sometimes make me not want to look at them) and one purple/black because blue and black are sort of a contradiction and because red and black feel like a drying cloud on the eyes. Anyway, the ball on the end has a ball-bearing inside which gives it a weight. I got two with the intention of attaching them to my belt loops so I can pull on them, especially while talking. Oh, the possibilities! So many uses!

The Flexible Fidget Keychain is fabulous. I didn't know I'd like it so much. Stiffer than expected but that's okay. It is a little sharp on the edges as one side is flat, but that's a good thing after all. The white stripes make white stripes in the air when you wave it back and forth.

I got the Infinity Spinner Ring a size to fit my index finger so it can be near my thumb for convenient flicking. It spins pretty well, but its the sound and the vibration that I like too.

I am not a chewer, but I got the Chewable Phoenix Pendant because I am a nail-biter and because I like the feel of silicone. I have a feeling this will end up being my latest comfort item. It has a lot textures to feel, you can snap the beak, and yank on it with the hole in the middle. It's very nice for the lips too.

I got a Chewable Trapezoid Necklace for my daughter as she is constantly chewing on her nails, biting her fingers, and putting pencil points in her mouth. Right now, these come with an extra trapezoid pendant. She loves it.

I got the Color in Motion visual stimmer. That was the thing I was looking forward to the most.

And now the sob story...

I didn't think I'd ordered enough for a box so I was expecting an envelope and was imagining opening an envelope with all the feels and sounds a padded mailing envelope makes. I went to the mailbox, and it wasn't an envelope, but a box. I had to go sit in the dark in the bathroom for a while to get used to the idea. I was waiting all weekend jumping around and happy and checking the tracking with USPS and now the moment had arrived and I was freaking out a bit. So then I went and opened the box even though I wasn't really ready. I was trying to be "sensible" and act like the grown-up I am supposed to be. I opened things from their individual packages in the order I could tolerate, trying to moderate my anxiety or excitement or maybe both. I managed to rip off one piece of tape off the bubble-wrap surrounding the Color in Motion thing. I imagined getting scissors or a knife to rip the second piece off but like an idiot I just kept right on trying to rip it off, like I usually do with other things, too lazy or determined to resort to a better way. Finally it did, and the Color in Motion item slipped right out of the bubble-wrap sleeve, and crashed horribly to the tile kitchen floor, where it cracked and began to leak an oil that smelled like gasoline and/or pine needles. I don't know how to say what I felt other than a sort of panic and wanting to get away and feeling jumpy and upset. I tried to stop the leaking with super glue but enough fluid had leaked out that it doesn't work the way it is supposed to and that really bothers me though I am trying to get used to it. The missing fluid messed up the pressure balance inside. After that I set it in the trash because I was worried about toxicity of the stuff inside. I was too overwhelmed to want to see or mess with the other things I ordered but then found myself messing with them anyway. Stimming with them actually, the Flexible Fidget and especially the paranoid keychains. I had a little meltdown and when my husband got home a few hours later he said he'd try epoxy glue on it and then asked if I had been drinking because I seemed a little off to him.

So why can I handle large stressors in the moment, like getting a flat tire on the side of the road alone in the middle of nowhere near midnight after driving nearly all day (something I couldn't have done even three or four years ago), but get paralyzed over something like this? Maybe it's because you naturally anticipate something serious happening on a long road trip and are already mentally prepared for it or you go into a sort of survival mode to get out of the situation. Maybe these "simple" things have more to do with faulty executive functioning and maybe perhaps perseveration or issues with having things change? I have anxiety a lot too when I get new things I really like or get rid of something like an old mattress or a vehicle or clothing I don't wear.