Feeling hurt. I don't like these social games.

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I've noticed that I have been unfriended on Facebook by people who I thought were my friends. People I've known for years and use to be close to but haven't talked to them in a few years. I don't understand that. It's like people recycle their friends...like you have to play this game in order to be considered "worthy" to stay their friend. I see everyone as my friend even if I haven't talked to them in awhile. With me it's stable...but it seems with NTs it's not so stable and honestly it hurts because I know I will never be able to keep up with them...therefore they scratch me off their friend list.

I'm not just talking about facebook..it happens offline too.

Last edited by AmieLynn on 09 Nov 2014, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just don't do Facebook and its fake, phony and trouble.

I think that is a correct observation.
They engage socially in an aggressive manner.
Anything that doesn't strengthen them, weakens them. (or so they think)
A passive approach (lack of positive) is seen as a negative.

They are in pursuit of higher places in hierarchy.
They feel that contentment lies within this pursuit.

I have a question as well. Some other forums have a "friending" process that I assume is similar to Facebook.

Is it insulting not to respond to a friend request?

I get an occasional friend request and I don't know what to do about it. I do not want to entangle myself in expectations that will consume time and divert me from things I would rather do.

Sometimes friends drift apart, and the friendship transforms into something less tight. This happens between people whether or not they're on the autistic spectrum.

Yes, it's true that many people require regular 'confirmation' of the friendship. They expect that you'll visit or call every once in a while to kind of keep the flow of the relationship going. Some people -whether socially adept or socially awkward- will not initiate such contact themselves, and will wait for the other party to take action. When that doesn't happen, they will no longer quite think so much about said other party, and instead focus on other friends or acquaintances whom they do see or speak to more often. The friendship then grows a bit weaker, to the point where it's no longer quite a friendship- just an acquaintance with fond old shared nostalgic memories.

The advent of social media like Facebook have made it easier for people to add a boatload of people to their list of 'friends', which -apart from actual friends- will include relatives, acquaintances, co-workers, (ex-)classmates, and friends-of-friends. If offline contact diminishes, and one or both parties stop regularly commenting on Facebook posts, pictures, and statuses, they might at one point consider 'cleaning up' their friends list by pruning all the contacts they have next-to-no contact with.

I can understand how this may upset you. I myself have the tendency to not contact certain people who I have shared a lot of emotional ties and good times with in the past, for years upon years. Not even a Christmas card or a birthday call. I would be upset too, yet also understanding, if I were a friend of them on Facebook and they'd suddenly un-friend me.

Consider the following: not every last one of your old friends you have less contact with has un-friended you. Try perhaps to reach out to some of them if you share fond memories with them and would like to refresh the bonds that once tied you. Whether it's in the form of a short little exchange of messages on-line to catch up, or an actual plan to meet in real life and have coffee or lunch and talk face to face.

Also consider that you will still be able to contact the old friends that have unfriended you, with the option of sending them a message asking them why they did it, and that it made you feel bad. If someone else discontinues communication with you, you always have the option to re-initiate contact. You have nothing to lose in doing so.

Yes, I'm familiar with message boards that have this option. On my old message board I briefly made use of this 'friends list' feature, only to find that it had no added value to me whatsoever. Earlier this year, the message board was wiped clean and re-started; again with the same friends list feature. A number of posters whom I get along with very very well, sent me friend requests. As I felt I didn't want to view any one member in favour of another, I sent the posters who had made the friend requests a private message, explaining why I was not using the friends list feature, and calling to attention that I was to reject their friend request. Then afterwards, usually upon receiving a reply from the poster saying they understood, I would reject the request.

Every so often people do go through and prune their friends lists. If you haven't been in touch in years and the other person senses you've drifted apart and are not really friends anymore, they will quietly unfriend. They don't want to broadcast their goings-on to someone they don't think is really a friend, and they don't want a cluttered list.

Most people's lives aren't static and as they go through life they develop new interests, new friendships, new values. They go through different stages of life and are changed by them. If they don't know that you're still part of their lives -- if you haven't bothered to stay in touch and help keep a conversation going -- they will see you as part of their "old selves'" lives, not part of their current life. If you turned up on their doorstep tomorrow they would feel they don't really know you anymore...even if you are exactly the same, they are not, having grown and changed. They would have to get to know you again and evaluate: is this someone I like spending time with, are we on a similar wavelength?

It isn't aggressive or meant to harm you. If you want to stay friends with most people, though, you will have to reach out and actively remain part of their lives, and to some extent grow with them.

Friendship is fluid. People drift in and out of each other's lives. FB just makes a record of it. Don't put too much stock in it. If you run into one of them you may find that you still get along.

Yeah this happens a lot to me on FB and instagram, but I don't use FB now so if those 'friends' unfollow me on instagram I unfollow them like I would to anyone who'd unfollow me, I also don't like thei posts unless they like mine like I do to all my followers, I just treat them like any random follower because I expect those things coming from them.

I understand that people come and go. But it's just hard for me to keep up with people socially because it's way too draining. I can go a year or more without talking to a person who I consider a friend and to me they are still friends. But as a result I get left in the dust.

Like I said, it IS an aggressive approach. It consumes.

Their approach to relationships is one of expected reciprocation. That allows it to be used as a tool to use for acquiring "credits" in the social game.

Last edited by olympiadis on 09 Nov 2014, 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It is draining, and it's admirable that you at least attempt to sustain friendships at all.

What I find helps sometimes in trying to maintain contact with another person whom I like when I'm going through an extended period of not feeling socially fit enough to entertain a more intense level of interaction with them, is e-mail them at regular intervals, say once a month. Or I drop them a phone call, just to catch up. Then every so often we can get together when we both feel up to it, but I make sure that it's not (too) draining on me.
I find that that is key, not necessarily seeing or talking to someone often, but seeing or talking to someone regularly. You have to find the right balance for yourself that you can be comfortable with. Obviously these friendships mean a lot to you, so it's nothing to be ashamed of to let a friend know that you have a bit more trouble with this than the average person. If they are true friends, they will understand, if perhaps not immediately.

It Is exhausting. I rarely am able to to maintain friendships past the unifying situation which drew me to this other person. For example, once leave a work environment I never maintain friends made at work and yet for me, those were real friends at the time and I know they are hurt when I move on but I can't help it. To me, the whole friend-making process is rarely worth the effort and hurt involved.

Yes, I've had this happen with old friends before. Even if I make an effort to talk to them when I realize how long it has been, they seem like they don't really want to talk at all, considering most of the time they just ignore me entirely, or they respond once and then don't respond again. I gave up on talking to old friends altogether after a while of this, it just makes me feel stupid for even trying to talk to them in the first place.

Their loss.. is what I always say

If they only knew the truth that collecting aspie friends is a great strategy.
What better way to have a lot of friendships without having to constantly maintain them?

This is part of the reason I've never bothered signing up for Facebook.

On a tangent...

I notice when I tell people who ask that I don't use Facebook the response I receive is similar to what I would anticipate receiving if I told them 'I don't wish to add you, but I use it'. Are people really reading my choice to not use Facebook as rejection of them in advance or am I being paranoid?