Do these sound like they were autistic meltdowns?

Post Reply New Topic

My mom says as a kid I would have fits of rage. She says it started when I was about 2, she said sometimes I would be getting frustrated (to an extreme) with toys. Like those little boxes with the little plastic shapes in them that you are supposed to put in the corresponding holes. She said I'd sit there and play with those, and that I would just calmly put the shapes in one by one. Eventually I'd try to put one in the wrong hole, and rather than try another hole, I would start hitting the shape harder and harder trying to force it in, and I'd start getting really mad, and I'd start screaming at it, until eventually I would throw open the lid, throw the shape in, slam the lid back shut, and then calmly go back to putting the shapes in. I believe that was around 2 or 3 that I would do that.

She said other times I'd seem similarly angry but there was no apparent reason for it, she said I'd suddenly just get extremely angry. I tried asking her specifically how I was behaving when this happened, she hasn't really responded with a specific answer yet. I want to know exactly what I was doing that signified to her that I was really angry. But I'm pretty sure that I'd yell and behave somewhat violently (hitting and throwing things mostly). Basically similar behavior as with the shapes, except it wasn't obvious to her what I was mad at.

This was a large part of why I was bullied, I would have extreme reactions to people teasing me and they thought it was funny. I would get so angry at them that I would start crying and screaming, and I'd chase them or throw things at them. I remember this one kid that would sneak up behind me, and then jump in front of me and punch me right in the face, and then run away immediately. He did this at least a couple times that I remember, probably more. Everyone thought my reaction was hilarious I guess, because I'd chase him screaming that I was going to kill him. Probably one of the worst experiences I've had being bullied was when all the neighborhood kids took my shoes from me and started throwing them around, just to watch me run back and forth after them screaming and crying.

I became pretty sensitive to any sort of teasing and physical bullying after a lot of similar experiences, so even mild teasing or unintentional physical contact could trigger me. Like one time in 4th grade, a kid on the bus accidentally fell onto me while walking down the aisle, and I freaked out and shoved him off, and immediately started crying and screaming and trying to hit him. Things like that seemed to happen a lot up until 6th grade. Before that my only friend was the principal, I got sent to his office so often for my outbursts that I actually would go to his office voluntarily instead of going to recess, and I would just talk to him.

But the thing is, I don't remember me ever having this kind of a reaction as a result of any sort of sensory overload, from my memory I was always frustrated about something else. I could have been frustrated about getting sensory overload, but I don't remember, and since my mom says she just doesn't know why I'd get mad unless it was obvious, like with bullying or being frustrated with something, I don't really know. It's extremely frustrating not knowing.

The only sensory issue I had that was blatantly obvious was motion, my mom says I've always hated too much motion (which is still true, but to a much lesser extent now). Even as a baby she said I would get extremely scared when she put me in my baby swing, even if it was on the lowest setting. She had to leave it completely off. I don't like roller coasters, and I can get dizzy pretty easily (so I don't like spinning around either, often it makes me feel sick). I also hate being in the car with someone who is constantly speeding up and slowing down quickly, I cannot hide my frustration at all when people do this. I probably sound really immature, but I will usually start whining at them if they keep doing this, no matter who it is.

My mom hasn't really told me much about me being sensitive to anything other than motion. I think I did have angry reactions to loud noises or other things related to sensory issues, but she is frustratingly vague when I ask her about these things. I don't want to be bothering her with question after question, but I have to get so specific about one thing before she gives me the amount of detail I need.

I just want to know if I actually have Asperger's, or at least if it's likely or unlikely, and I have what is quite possibly the most borderline set of traits possible

And I know I'm being evaluated soon, but I won't get the results until mid-January, so that isn't really much comfort. Plus, I want to have some solid information I can share with the psychologist when I go in, if I try to just explain from my thoughts I just know I'm going to word something wrong and he'll totally misinterpret my meaning.

And I also know I'm obsessing about this way too much, but it doesn't seem to matter to my stupid brain; this is all I'm allowed to think about now. If I could cry I'd probably be crying right now.

An eggstreme anger outburst doesn't have to be caused by sensory overload from lights, noises, smells, motion, etc. It can be in reaction to people provoking you, something frustrating like the shape box thing, someone interrupting you while you are absorbed in a task, etc.

There is no definitive description of an "autistic meltdown", and I think of the behavior as an eggstreme and sudden anger outburst. Internally, this outburst may be accompanied by a total loss of control over yourself, like you don't even know what you are doing as you are doing it, which may be why bad behaviors that you would never think of yourself normally doing can come out during this outburst, like hitting people or throwing things.

I have a very hard time classifying and then differentiating meltdowns from anger outbursts if there is no loss of control. I'm not of the opinion that there has to be a loss of control, but I just have no idea how to distinguish a meltdown without that aspect.

I don't even know what qualifies as a loss of control. But I would probably say a majority of those times in the past I had probably completely lost control when I behaved that way. I don't know why I'd have done any of those things otherwise.

What would even be the difference at that point? Is an anger outburst a choice?

A loss of control is like one moment you are aware of yourself doing X, then the next moment you suddenly become aware of yourself doing Y, and you don't know how you got from X to Y, but it was not under your conscious control during that process.

This would be an eggstreme case, but it seems to happen during sudden, eggstreme anger outbursts during which you do things that you don't do when you are just normally angry at someone or something, when you do have some control over the situation.

Also, during this outburst, you may not ackshuly feel angry or any emotion, but you engage in angry behaviors, but when normally angry, you may feel much more emotion of anger.

These are just from my eggsperiences, and yours may be different.

If those are meltdowns, I have probably had more than I knew of and probably had them before puberty. I yelled, I cried, I screamed, threw things, I remember I would finally shove other kids or hit them because they were bothering me and I had told them over and over to quit and leave me alone but they kept on harassing me. I also had to be the one in trouble and with the other kid if they fought back. Teacher wouldn't care who started it. In 6th grade my school wanted to put me in a behavior class and one of the reasons was I was getting into fights with other kids because they were picking on me and would tell me to make them when I would tell them to leave me alone. I never thought about them being meltdowns.

I don't even think about having meltdowns or if what I did was one. I always thought meltdowns were crying and screaming and not being able to calm down. I had those a lot in my teens and I always hated having them. Then I would feel exhausted. my mom would call it a pity party and send me to my room for it for me to have one so she wouldn't have to see it.