Almost wish I was dead right now, tbh

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Utterly, utterly, utterly worn down by the anxiety attacks. I used to have a cast-iron digestive system until I got Crohn's disease. That c*** of a disease took away my 30s and my colon. I'm now stuck with a permanent ileostomy. I could live with that if I had gone back to having a cast-iron digestive system, but I haven't. My stomach hurts most days, especially in the evening, and it causes a massive anxiety spike for hours until it (slowly) gets better.

I'm also beyond lonely, with no hope of ever finding a romantic partner. I'm fed up and wish I had let the Crohn's kill me while it was severe enough to.

Hey buddy,
Just want you to know that I really feel for you. I can't imagine what you are actually physically feeling but just know that you have a friend here who really cares about you. I won't give you hugs because that's uncomfortable for you but know that if it were comfortable for you I would give you a great big one right now. I really hope you can feel better soon.

Can you join a local aspergers group?

You need friends

Thanks skibum :p

I basically had a complete anxious meltdown and broke down sobbing :-/ Feel better now after a talk with my mum and taking 2 nitrazepam... >.> (If only benzos were safe to take every day, they do really help...)

@slenkar - That's what I'm going to look into. Saw the autism guy this morning, who suggested a local group not too far from where I live. He's a lovely guy, very easy to talk to, and I wish I could carry on seeing him regularly. But unfortunately he and his team only provide a short term service, so that avenue of help will be drawing to an end after Christmas... :-/

@skibum - I got your email. I'm going for an early night tonight while the nitrazepam is still active, so I'll catch up with it tomorrow. Gonna log off after this and try to wind down some more before bedtime. Goodnight folks... >.>

I am glad you are feeling better now. Get some good sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

My neighbour's bowels betrayed her too, and now she has a stoma. My family also has a history of bowel problems (not Crohn's). My mum had half her bowel removed due to severe twisting and has Hirschsprung's disease.

Stick in there m8 (no pun).

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

Hey NCOT, Sorry you're going through this. My mother is going through something similar with her ulcerative colitis. She's fortunate she hasn't had to have surgery yet.

I can understand that you're irritated with life because of the ileostomy.

I read there is something that could "internalize" the ileostomy; have you looked into that?

I know how that feels, I hope I would be of help. I got grave's disease at 8 years old and still do but its calm now, I used to think 'why did this happen to me?! Why me at a very young age?! Why does this even happen?!' I used to hate it so much, I hated my life and everyone around me, I used to see every kid around me being healthy, not having to go to hospital check ups; I used to hate going to the hospital since morning and waiting there, being absent from school because of it, having my blood sucked out, being treated like a victim; it made me feel so weak, not feeling healthy, being tired all the time, realizing I won't be the same way I used to, I can't run like I used to; I feel tired and my hearts pounds so fast like its going to pump out of me so I can't and I also felt like a test subject when doctors used to examine me and all. I really hated it but I thought that I had to live with it; I have no other choice, so slowly progressing it started becoming good for me, I even started having friends and being happy again. After all that in the end things turned out very good, so much better than I expected, I used to think I had no hope but fighting for something really gets you the thing you wanted it. Here I am healthy and happy after all that, if things got good for me I think it will get good for you too .

I have digestive issues from PTSD, much of the time my stomach/digestive area is nauseous and its hard to eat enough due to that. Then also an effect of PTSD is things will not process right, like being in a more high anxiety default state that PTSD causes you can eat and digestive system will be out of wack and not react right so you don't
digest food right...cause the body is trying to revert resources to immediate survival. Trying not to lose hope in ever getting a relationship but I am already on SSI which is probably an immediate turn off for lots of guys.

Not quite sure what to say aside from I can relate to some of the hopelessness you feel.

I erm...I read this thread this morning and whilst i didn't post straight away it has been on my mind a bit while I was going about my daily business.

I feel bad for you NCOT. Not in a bullshitty nicey nicey way because I know just as much as you know that that wouldn't go down well.

No, I just considered quite a lot, about you and the way you are. You are a character amongst the WP community and although we don't really have much to do with each other (and probably never will) we are (whether we like it or not) all in this together.

So (to carry on), I feel bad, bad because you have to put up with all of this on top of all the problems associated with the ASD.

I cannot imagine what you have to go through on a day to day basis so I wont even pretend.

Just know that no matter what you are (for what ever reasons) appreciated round here.

That's all.

All the best, I wish you well.

BB

Soz if that was too lovey dovey.

Thanks guys :p

My anxiety is rising again. Reminds me of that Simpsons episode in Treehouse of Horror V, where in The Shining mini-story Homer's insanity rises and falls in tandem with the flickering TV signal... :-/

@Norny and Kraftie - Sorry to hear about your mums' respective bowel problems. I wouldn't wish this s**t upon my worst enemy; well, okay I probably would actually. Let's just say I wouldn't wish this s**t upon anybody who wasn't my worst enemy... <_<.

@Kraftie - I know the "internalisation" operation which you're referring to. I could go into a lengthy and technical explanation, but the cliff notes version is I'm not eligible. With my history of Crohn's in the terminal ileum, no surgeon would touch a j-pouch with a 10-foot bargepole in my case. The only possible option left is a connection of the ileum to the rectum. The couple of doctors I've mentioned it to have been less than enthusiastic about it. Since I'm suffering anyway, I'm more inclined to push for it, but it won't be a panacea and is likely to cause as many problems as it solves.

@Zajie - Heh, I have the opposite to Graves' disease - Hashimoto's disease. There was one point where my thyroid was overactive, but most measurements have shown it to be underactive. I'm on levothyroxine for it. Anyway, glad you have got your Graves disease under control and you have gone back to being and feeling healthy.

@Sweetleaf - Yeah, that makes sense :-/ I don't know if I had/have PTSD but for a while I was having some very vivid and disturbing flashbacks. Those have diminished now (if not entirely gone away), but I seem to have been left in a default anxiety state. I wouldn't be surprised if the anxiety was making my stomach symptoms worse.

@BB - Thank you. I won't lie: it's been a gruelling few years to say the least... :-/ But I guess everyone has their crosses to bear; there are probably people on this site going through the things I don't have the first clue about. Anyway, I did appreciate your post and, no, I didn't find it too lovey-dovey. But just to redress the balance here's the least lovey-dovey emoticon I can find...



>.>

You have had a pretty tough run, that's for sure. I know you hate too much positivity, though I really do hope that things start to look up for you, you deserve it. Are there side effects to the medicine you are taking for Hashimotos and if so, are these a factor in your current circumstances, I can't help but wonder...

NiceCupOfTea, sending lots of love and sympathy (or tea and sympathy?) your way.

You've been giving me such helpful advice with my 'diagnosis nightmare' and I did not have a clue that you were struggling like this yourself!

I am so sorry. I can also identify a bit from personal experience. Had terrible, severely life limiting IBS from teenage years to mid twenties. Only cured through starting SSRIs. It was an unintended but welcome side effect from meds that I started taking just to lift my chronic depression somehow. Just saying this in case it might be relevant...

Have you tried meditation? The stomach troubles seem to me to always link to the nervous system and especially the 'emotional body' -- probably using wrong terms here as am not a doctor. I do remember a nutritionist telling me that the stomach is 'the second brain' and that the stomach actually contains more serotonin than the brain -- this could also explain why my IBS was instantly cured upon starting Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors.

Funny how the stomach also LOOKS like the brain. I am greatly fascinated by this. I mean the intestines/bowels, and how they mimic the weird gray muddled up garden hose 'shape' of the brain. Anyone else ever been fascinated by this?

This could be a shot in the dark but I also get the feeling that your subjective lack of love in your life (lack of felt love) is probably linked to your painful condition. I don't have an answer but I can tell you I totally always felt I was never going to find love, until then I did. The turning point was realising that I am a worthwhile person without a partner. And wham, then he came to chat me up within weeks of my first great self esteem realisation. Yes we have marital troubles -- I complained about them at my diagnosis nightmare thread -- but when it's good it's really good. So, yes, if it can work for me it can certainly work for you... This sounds like a silly suggestion but please start doing positive affirmations such as 'I am loveable' - write those down 10-30 times every day. It seriously works. Works even better when you fill it in the form of 'I am loveable because'.... Obviously if your self esteem is really low then you first need to just keep repeating you are loveable and eventually your subconscious will open up to the idea a little bit and allow you to start seeing what specifically is good about you, and then it will be a positive spiral from then on.

Take care.

p.s. had to come back to edit my mistakenly written 'ISB' to 'IBS' - I had actually forgotten the name of the horrible disease that so crippled my life and seemed to have ruined my youth! Wow life really does go on.

Cheers guys >.>

@CC - I've had puking spells on occasion (one was almost inside an MRI scanner, but I sounded the buzzer and they got a bowl to me in the nick of time... :p), but puking for 8 hours straight sounds horrible. I completely understand the "gun-shy" part: I used to stubbornly refuse to alter my diet, but that changed a few years ago. I'm utterly sick of dealing with stomach problems, I'd swallow a 2000-calorie pill a day if it meant a completely calm stomach.

@B19 - I'm going to ask my GP to test my thyroid levels after Christmas... :-/ I don't think the levothyroxine would cause stomach problems, but my general fatigue and irritability could in part be caused by an underactive thyroid.

@Felinelover - Yeah, IBS can be surprisingly miserable, even though it causes no physical damage. I know one woman whose Crohn's is finally in remission after 22 years, but her IBS makes life almost as bad as the Crohn's did. That's fairly extreme, but I can identify with how she's feeling. As an aside, chronic IBS should be checked out to make sure it isn't something organic, like IBD. Most of the time IBS is "just" IBS, but it's amazing to me what some doctors will palm off as IBS: bloody stools, extreme urgency, severe abdominal pain, fever, etc.

SSRIs can have a calming effect on the gut, probably 'cos of the serotonin like you said. Unfortunately they don't help me in that way.

Not tried meditation, but probably should.... :-/

I don't want to get too depressing about my lack of a love life, but at the moment I think I need a miracle to meet somebody suitable. There's no point in falling for somebody unless the feeling is mutual; otherwise it's just a forlorn crush on my part. I rarely meet somebody I feel attracted to and when I do it's usually a lost cause... :-/

Okay, I'm really tired so I'm gonna stop here before I make myself cry before bedtime.... >.>

NiceCupOfTea
Sorry to know about what you're going through I hope things get good for you