Perhaps four times in my life I have been in a kind of permanent "panic state" over something. These episodes have lasted a few weeks at a time. I have just come to the end of the latest (at least I hope I have) episode. This was set off by a scare I had about my mum's health - she underwent some tests for cancer. I have just heard today that the tests were clear but for the duration of the wait (which was about a month) I was an absolute wreck. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and what they have done about it.
When in my panic state I could think of literally nothing else other than the cause of the panic. It almost was like I couldn't even see the real world, only the world in my head. There was also quite considerable physical pain - it felt as though poison were constantly coursing around my body (presumably adrenalin?) It was very difficult for me to leave the house-I felt very vulnerable even going to the supermarket. I had to be signed off work for several weeks. My appetite disappeared and there was no way I would have slept without sleeping tablets. In fact, I had to self medicate quite heavily with sleeping tablets and alcohol to keep the pain down to a tolerable level. this isn't me at all - I've never used drugs and I only drink lightly in normal times. I was in appalling distress but I could not show any of my feelings on my face and I can't cry. I can't let any of it out. I'm a big guy so people expect me to be tough.
I was prescribed some Diazepam to try and keep me calm but this had no effect on me at all- I think I would have needed a dosage that would tranquilise a charging rhinoceros.
I also had limited opportunities to talk about the problem with other people- I know my girlfriend was there for me but her mum had suffered a stroke at the very same time and she had a lot on her own plate.
How do I deal with situations like this? I'm going to have to deal with my mum's death one day, aren't I? Telling myself to relax or to be positive s pathetically inadequate. I recognise that this state is partly irrational but I just can't express how truly terrible it is. Without the physical symptoms I might be able to deal with the issues behind it but the medication I was given to handle them was as good as useless.
I can honestly see me that if I got into this state again I would end up committing suicide. It's really that bad.
29 Dec 2014, 7:28 pm
