PDD-NOS Daughter and a Bossy Friend

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I have an eight year old daughter on the Spectrum. She is high functioning and very intelligent, but she is behind in her social skills. She dosent have many friends and seems to be ok with that. She is in Girl Scouts and a local Drama company where she gets to interact with a group with similar interests. One of the girls in her Scout troop is the daughter of a friend of mine so we see her often outside of Girl Scouts. My daughter (Anna) considers this girl (Sara) her "best friend". The problem comes in when they are together and Sara is very bossy and kind of mean to my daughter. I asked Anna if she feels that Sara is being mean to her and Anna always says no. I asked Anna who her friends are and Sara is always at the top of the list. If you mention Sara, Anna gets excited. So it seems as though they are getting along in a way that works for them. Sara is naturally bossy and agressive and wants to be the center of attention all the time. Anna is quite and more of a follower. The question I have is do I encourage this relationship that looks hurtful to me? I'm not sure if Anna has the TOM to really "get" that Sara is being mean, so does that make it ok? Maybe Anna does know but she either cant figure out how to express it or is afraid she will lose her friend if she does. I do correct Sara when I feel she is being mean, but I'm not with them all the time they are playing. I'm looking for the perspective of and adult with ASD and if they have had any similar experiences and how it made them feel. It is very difficult for me to get Anna to tell me how she feels about things, so I could use some help.

It could be that Sara also has some social delays and (instead of being "bossy") is just acting like a younger kid who doesn't yet "get" that playing is a negotiation yet- as most 3,4,5 year olds don't get yet. Maybe Anna is not feeling hurt, but just more tolerant of this style of playing, because she also has delays. Also, if Anna has trouble socializing, it may take some of the pressure off to have a friend who's "in charge." I am not on the spectrum, sorry. But, I have kids and these thoughts just occurred to me.

In what ways is she being mean?

I experienced something similar as a child. I had a "friend" from school - her grandparents lived down the street from me so she'd often come over to my house - who was similar to Sara. My mom was worried the same way you were because this girl was rather bossy as well and I was also quiet (not necessarily a follower in general though, because I actually kind of "lead" my outgoing best friend).

I was only 10 or so at the time, and I don't remember much, but I don't remember feeling like I was being taken advantage of or anything. I just had that "doormat" type of personality at that age. A couple years later though, I grew out of it. This girl did get me (and my brother) in trouble once though... she'd "convinced" me to show a family video my father didn't want her seeing (though it wasn't inappropriate or anything). Another time she lied in an attempt to get me to give up an old artifact my father had found buried in our yard. I don't think I saw her too much after that - maybe I started realizing how she really was at that point.

I'm also wondering how you feel she's being mean to your daughter?

That last bit seems to be a recurring theme, but speaking as an (admittedly male) adult, to this day, if someone just turned to me and said "how are you feeling?" at a random point, my honest answer isn't "good", it's "nothing". That's not to say that I feel "empty inside", far from it actually, but at the present moment, I just don't have an emotion. It's like the default setting on your [insert something here] -- it works for 95% of the time, but then there's those few instances where you need to tweak the settings to get what you need out of it. It doesn't feel "good" because "good" implies (to me anyways) that there is some kind of pleasure in it, like what I would get out of a sincere compliment. That makes me feel good. But when I'm (as an example) at work, typing away at my computer, there's no emotion behind it. Maybe that's why I'm in the IT field

More to the point: it's not necessarily that your daughter is oblivious or anything like that. Perhaps the question just needs some better wording. Case in point: if her friend pushed her and you saw it, ask her something along the lines of "how did you feel when she pushed you?" You may have to dig deeper to find the right wording that makes her realize what you mean.

As far as past experiences go, I kinda-sorta have similar experiences, maybe, but it was more "let's all gang up on Shep" rather than individualized bossiness, so it may not help you here. If things start getting too far out of hand though (like if it turns violent, or age-inappropriate, or demeaning, or some other kind of bullying), then you may need to step in. Depending on how old she is, she may still be at that stage where she's learning what the social construct is made of (which is where I was at when I first encountered bullying and thought it was "normal" -- sadly true story), or she may just be at that stage where she's absorbing everything, following others since they seem to know what they're doing and going with it. For now though, I'd say try approaching the subject with your daughter in a different way. Even if she doesn't seem to appreciate it now, she will down the road. Trust me on that one.

Sara may not be mean as much as supremely bossy. Like when they get together, Sara always want to do some sort of fashion show, where she take Anna and makes her put on all sorts of different clothes then makes her come down into the room with the adults and do a turn on the catwalk, then she tells Anna exactly what to say to announce her fashion walk all the while being very short and curt. "Anna- just get over here and put this dress on." "Anna, leave the room now!" "Anna, you didnt do it right, do it again." etc. If that were my friend I'd tell her to stuff it, but Anna dosent push back at all. Then after a hour of this nonsence, Anna just cant do it anymore and hides away in a corner with a book. Then Sara screams, "Anna isnt playing with me! SHe just want to read that stupid book!" Sara's mother has explained that you cant force someone to do something they dont want to and I have tried to urge Anna to try to stay away from the books when they are together- but I think that is how Anna copes wth Sara. Sara is so loud and brash and emotional that Anna eventually closes herself off by reading. Sara is just one of those kids that ALWAYS want interactions with everyone and attention. Like she cant just quietly make up a story with Anna, she has to announce the story to everyone in the room so you can tell her how good it is. Anna has a million facts swirling around in her head and she often randomly starts talking about them ( bugs, space, human body, etc). Sara is constantly telling Anna some fact is wrong, and then makes up some silly thing that would invalidate the fact IF it were true. Sara just cant stand if anyone but herself is saying anything of interest. SO anyway- Sara drives me crazy and I dont think she treats Anna like a friend, but Anna isnt complaining. I'm trying not to force my NT oriented thoughts about friendship on Anna who isnt NT, but at the same time, I want to protect my daughter from any turmoil with Sara.

I had friends who were mean to me and my mom still let them play with me and didn't really tell me they were being mean. I guess she wanted me to be happy and just as long as I was happy and not aware of it, she let it go. She let them play with me because I wanted friends and I wanted those kids around and it made me happy and plus it was to help develop my social skills. She could have just isolated me from those kids but I know I would have been upset and be unhappy and my mom could have perhaps hooked me up with other kids in our neighborhood who were nicer than mean and weren't users. I don't know why she didn't do this option. I only stuck to homes I was familiar with and whenever a new family moved there, I would go there to play with the new kids.

I think it's a tough decision for a parent to make about rather they should let their kid play with a "friend" who isn't very nice to them and their kid is happy with that "friend." There is a catch 22 about it. My "friends" unfortunately taught me some of the wrong things like the time two of my friends told me if kids tease me do this, and they showed me the middle finger. I didn't even know what it meant so I started doing it and there was the time they taught me the f word and I started using it and it was very hard for my family.

I do remember my parents telling me I was being used and I didn't understand that concept then so it did nothing for me and I couldn't tell the difference until my teen years. A trick I learned is if someone is using you, they will leave if you don't let them do a thing they always like doing when they are at your house. So when I felt my pesky neighbor was using me, I started to put all the controllers in my room from the game systems just to see if my neighbor would go home when he sees he couldn't play them when I wanted to do something else with him. He didn't so I wasn't used.

I was the bossy kid as a child and acted mean as a kid too. I was just inflexible in my play and felt my play was the right way. Plus I was a teaser and didn't know when to stop and Sara doesn't sound like a good friend. I also had a friend named Sara and she was the one who used me and would threaten to rip the heads off my dolls if I didn't do what she wanted and teaching me the middle finger and f word and she would go around telling other kids that I am ret*d. She was not a nice person and not only was she mean to me, she was mean to other kids too and they feared her so they were her "friend" and I found out from my mother she would threaten other kids that if they played with me she would do whatever and I remember she would lie to me. She would lie about what time it was and that she had to go home, I remember her lying to my mother about me scratching her when I was about five and I just stood there and not knowing what she was crying about and I was wondering how I got her those goosebumps thinking those were the scratches. My mom believed her and scratched my arm leaving a white mark and I look at it waiting for those bumps to appear saying to me "This is how it feels and you don't scratch Sara." Now I realize she was lying about it and I didn't know then and she also took advantage. She took advantage of me not being able to tell time so she would lie about the time, she took advantage of my language delay so she would lie about things I did to her. She just had a mother who was also bad, neglected her and would always leave her home alone with her brother who was only about six while she would go to work and he would go to a friends house leaving her behind so she would wander the street and neighbors would have to watch her. No one ever called social services. My mom remembers her wandering alone outside in a diaper when she was little and her mother did nothing but yell and scream at her and lock her kids out of the house and the older Sara got, the meaner she got due to lack of parenting. Her mom was not a nice person either. Her own father would say the f word to his grand kids and that was where my "friend" got the word. The grandparents were also not nice people.

It sounds to me like Sara just has a very concrete vision in her head and wants it to be executed perfectly, and that is the reason for her telling Anna to redo things. It also sounds like (to me) that either Sara is playing a little bit developmentally younger than a normal eight year old (what you describe seems more like six year olds to me) and just doesn't get that playing isn't all about HER fun only, or that Anna doesn't push back at all so that she is able to execute her vision unchecked. A lot of kids would, without thinking that it is mean, act "meaner" if that behavior was being totally accepted. It also just sounds like Sara is really extroverted and needs to bounce off her ideas with others and know their reactions. But, these aren't necessarily negative traits, just the way these characteristics present in a kid.

Anna May not be done with Sara specifically when she shuts down to read, but just interaction in general. Socializing can be exhausting to introverted kids.

This may just be the learning process for both of them for how to be friends and to negotiate social interaction. Some of my 9 year old's friends seemed awful when they were younger, but have really mellowed out into more flexible and kinder kids with age.

I don't know. But, I agree with Shep: It would be helpful to find the right wording so that you are more clear on Anna's perspective.