How to avoid subconscious control of personal assessments

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Ok, will do my best to make this understandable.

First the ultimate purpose of the thread being to determine if self conscious manipulation of my own head can be avoided in the act of determining if my child/children are autistic I would like to take this time to encourage any readers to answer on that basis despite any evidence of ulterior motives. Sorry, but I cannot avoid there being more than one reason. I will try to get around that though if possible.

Second, I think that "first" ties nicely into the problem I am facing and frankly a lot scared of. I am obsessed with people/myself and their/my interactions and have been since a very young age and a high lack of social success during that period. I could make myself delusion within a short period of time using will alone. I know how to create psychological ailments within myself or in another. I know how to manipulate others into thinking things they would not have. (Do not take this to mean I am highly successful socially.) I know how the human brain works in sometimes strange not normally understood ways. < That is one hundred times more prevalent within myself, making my capacity for self delusion equally powerful. I do think that most people if intelligent enough about people must understand, at least on some level, that with enough encouragement effort we could fairly easily make ourselves see things up to and including flat out schizophrenic activities in our minds.

Third, I have major MAJOR worries about any diagnosis to my children being a retroactively negative influence on their lives. I know all to well the power of belief. These concerns may be effecting my willingness to see it within my children.

Fourth, and in contrast to the above I really need the personal validation that arrives from the conclusion that I myself am autistic as it has arrived at a point in my life where all else has utterly failed to explain anything. My life has been a mountain of failures the majority of which have rested on the shoulders of social mechanics which I have simply been repeatedly incapable of overcoming. (I am fired despite thinking I was doing the absolute best possible work, or I leave due to what I have deemed to be un-acceptable social pressures.) Regardless I clearly have a personal stake, and therefore a subconscious imperative.

I have no means of treating myself or my children short of personal preparedness. I live in a poverty stricken rural area where at best people with mental illness might be tolerated. Certainly never understood. I was overlooked without a second thought when I dropped form school in the seventh grade. I fear branding my child/children may be all for nothing if they get little to no treatment outside a socially inept father trying to teach them things he only knows in theory.

Ok so there is my mountain of exposition. The problem if it is not clear yet is how to analyze my children without allowing my apparent craziness to get in the way, possibly offsetting the analysis.

Thanks for any and all ideas.

EDIT:
In case specific advice appears.

I have a 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. The girl seems highly intelligent and quick learning as you might expect of a firstborn. The older she gets the less her intelligence seems to shine. I fear that either we have lost our window to abuse that firstborn syndrome and heighten her learning or else she has simply lost it form age. she continues to be competent in most things at or above the level of expectancy however her mother is not terribly bright if I am to be fair here so I don't have delusional expectations for her. I want to be happy with what she has so she can see that in us. If she has it, it certainly is not impairing her currently. Oh, and she is terrible at architectural thinking. Blocks etc.

Boy was raised to heavy handed early in life and he shut down on us consequently. Something we have recognized and done our best to reverse albeit un-successfully as of yet. He is very withdrawn although not apparently clinically. his architectural thinking appears to be sound, stacking blocks before a year age. He screams suddenly when frustrated. He does things boys do you know. All those frustrating things. Destroys everything and anything. Frequently refuses to respond to outside stimulus orders etc. Seems to be fairly introverted and much in the same ways I was as best i can remember.

Some clarifications, since it will not allow me to edit.

Sentence #1 "self conscious" is intended to be sub conscious.
Sentence #2 "autistic" is being used in a general sense and throughout the post.

In paragraph #2 "delusion" is meant to say "delusional"

The following three sentence are meant to be conveyed to be "in theory" not "in practice" as I now realize is probably how they appear. I lack the social prowess outside of extremely close relations to aspire to any such activities. (I hestitate to use the word "aspire" for such a thing because it infers a lofty pursuit which manipulation is obviously not.)

In Paragraph #4 Understanding myself has haunted me since I was a child. This (autism) is a key that I hope will put to rest a lot of the questions I have had for a long time. (personal validation) My conscious brain is aware that if my children have it I am more likely to have it. Therefore my sub conscious brain knows this as well. I am currently unsure of myself and my kids which allows my hopes of understanding either to be manipulated by my hopes of understanding the other. And this still sounds confusing even to me sorry.

I have mental illness of some kind. (If illness is the right word. I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist) I have been trying to determine the exact nature for the past few years. I did not mean to infer that autism is a mental illness as I know that is not how it is viewed by many people. although I won't deny that is how I have always previously viewed it. I was educated as such.

We had expectations of my boy that were, as we now understand it not realistic. It was weird too because we foresaw that in theory and somehow never managed to not execute measures against it. I could say it was a hectic time for us which it was. I was in community college at the time, we were just getting into the worst of having two kids moving around instead of one and I was perma-stressed. Not an excuse but it is what it is. We could have been less hard on him. I believe that is at least in part why he is so withdrawn today. Sometimes he seems scared of me and as shameful for me as that may be, shying from the reality of the causality is not helpful to addressing his personality on an individual basis. Which is why I was inclined to include it.

Last. If the means of treatment are limited in my area. Is it enough to know? will our personal knowledge and work to help our child if he does suffer form some of the side effects of social anxieties etc be enough to merit his knowing he has this? Has anyone had any success in treatment outside of facilities for young children?

What you are enjoying and sometimes suffering in equal amounts, is "your" Kundalini. Because like me, you "happened" upon it, you can regain conscious control.

That is partially settled now and I am not as happy about it as I thought I would be, while I am just as anxious about it as I expected to be. Which is to say a lot anxious. The matter of my kids remains however. We want them to be perfectly normal I guess but it is difficult to say if they are. How do you decide something like that? Such a monumental suggestion to make. My wife is unwilling to put her finger on any one assessment and I find myself equally un-sure. As long as we remain unsure they will likely remain un-tested. Certain things have come to my attention though I was not looking at however which make me feel a little lost on the whole thing as it is the opposite of my previous outlook as I previously viewed my son as the most likely candidate. My daughter is biting her hands and chewing on them quite a lot and I am also noticing her constant need to be making small noises but I think that is learned from me. But the hands thing could be too because I am frequently chewing my nails the tips of my fingers. It is so hard to say for somebody like me I guess but I don't think I have enough cause to put anyone through testing yet. I am making efforts with both of them to lock eyes and stuff a lot and they both seem more than capable most of the time. I guess that if we are able to condition all of the "negative?" behaviors I exhibit out of them easily enough than most likely they are ok. I don't like being so clinical with them. I think it is not good for them always. I fake the touchy feely stuff as much as I can stand near them. It makes them smile. If anyone else has my outlook and is reading this and has kids I think you should fake it too. I think the intention is real enough if not the action. Even if the action is faked it still carries value.

Note: I do not think this is kundalini (I had to look that up.) I am very confused a lot. If much clearer on some topics than most people. + I think that I need to figure out how to grow up still. Which is problematic because the older i get the less clear I am feeling. Well I guess that is not proof of anything but it is certainly reason to avoid losing myself more. I have some responsibilities I think.