Deferring to others, or being "lazy"--and then regretting it

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Do any of you have an issue with the following pattern? You want something, and it means a lot to you, yet either you think the opportunity will be around "forever" and don't act on it, or you are persuaded by someone against doing it, and then when you realize the opportunity was missed, you are very angry because you feel that it would have been easy to avoid that disappointment?

I'll give an example over the last two days to illustrate. Yesterday the weather looked like it would be perfect to see and photograph a certain kind of effect with the sunlight, that happens very rarely around here. It started looking good around midday, but I thought it would last all afternoon. I didn't end up going until almost 3 PM, at which point the light was already changing fast and I drove around for two hours without seeing what I wanted to see. I hoped that today it would look the same.

Today around 1 PM in fact it started to look really good again--better than yesterday. But my dad had already decided he was going to go to Costco to shop for some things, and he said that I should come along and look at computers. He is thinking about either getting one for himself, or getting a new one for me and taking my old one. He was not going to buy a computer *today* in any event, however, and made that clear. I hesitated to go, because I didn't want to let the weather pass me by again--but my mom was adamant that I should definitely go to Costco because then come when my dad *would* buy a computer, he would know what I had seen there. I ended up going, and by the time I got to go where I originally wanted to go, I just caught the tail end of what I'd wanted to see.

The problem is, my mom has an appointment tomorrow afternoon, during the exact time it will probably be best to finally catch the weather pattern I've wanted to see for the past two days and mostly missed both times. And I would eagerly have traded having to drive to Costco once every day for the next week or so, and pay for the necessary extra gas ($20-ish), for the chance to not miss this. We also have two cars, so my dad could still have gone even if I had left.

Anyway, enough of the specifics. My point is, I think I've learned to defer to other people's judgment in certain instances because in regard to much of the world, other people do have more of a sense what things work best and how best to do things. Not "big" stuff, like whom to date or what major to study in college, but weighing things like when to do this or that. I also don't mean to imply that this has completely to do with the fact that I'm living with parents--it could happen with friends, or even just reading about things. And sometimes it doesn't involve listening to someone else at all, it involves my own "laziness" (in other words, lack of initiative to go for something until I think I'm about to lose it). And even at times when my parents had no "real" control over my life (like when I was employed and living in my own apartment), this happens.

The core issue is that I forget that other people, even well-meaning, are coming from the perspective of "normal" priorities, and can't tell when I would gladly trade something "big" for something that to them would mean little. And sometimes I myself don't anticipate how much effort on my part is necessary to make something happen, even if I would find it easy to put in that effort (which can lead to lots of procrastination). On top of that, I think that the mere fact that I feel I was somehow "prevented" from doing something makes me much more disappointed about missing it than if it were due merely to chance.

Anyway, I wonder if this is a common aspie issue.

I can see 3 main problems from what you wrote:

1. People don't understand how much something mean to you.
This happens to me a lot. My parents don't understand how much something means to me just because it doesn't mean much for them. An example is when I was younger I always wanted cable Internet, but my parents couldn't use a computer, so they didn't think it was important. They don't know how much I could've learned and improved myself if I had it since then.

2. Everyone makes errors of judgement.
When I was young I thought that my parents don't make mistakes. Since then I've learned that everyone is prone to errors of judgement. I don't listen to people as much now, and even though I still refer to others for advice, I don't follow them blindly. I learn from my mistakes, and now I have enough experience to work most things out for myself.

3. Regretting missed opportunities.
This is a big one for me, and it has to do with disappointment. I sometimes hang on to the smallest missed opportunity, even things like "What would have happened if I'd bought item X from the cafeteria this morning, before they ran out of it?" (stupid, I know), especially if it was caused by someone else and not by luck. When I was younger I would throw a (mild) tantrum when I get disappointed, for example if I buy something and discover that I don't want it, or if we were supposed to go somewhere but we went somewhere else instead, and then I'd regret not going to the first place.
I think this makes me seem "rigid", in that I'd rather have things go my way and miss opportunities by "chance", rather than listen to others and miss opportunities because of them.

It seems like you have the exact same difficulties I do. I guess that for many things, I still haven't figured out when I can count on others' advice and when I can't.

Using your cafeteria example, let's say that at several times in the past, you had mentioned wanting to get something at the cafeteria, and the same person had told you to hurry there before those things were sold out. And let's suppose that in several of those instances, you had taken your time and got there to find the things, in fact, sold out. Then you would be more likely to take that person's suggestions on faith, not thinking too hard about whether they might have missed something. Like today, my mom obviously didn't think to consider the fact that she had an appointment at that time the next day, and that while the weather is unpredictable, the merchandise in a store like Costco is very consistent.

Another situation where I'm even much more confused which way to lean is with clothes. When I was a kid, I didn't care at all what I wore as long as it was comfortable. Now I do have an idea what colors I like and what kind of "look" I want. However, I'm also aware that clothes have a social function, and that the best way to dress on social occasions is some sort of compromise between one's personal identity and what other people think looks good. Of course, there are some occasions where I just want to wear what I want, and don't care if anyone likes it, but generally speaking, if I can look either nice or awful to others while still wearing the same colors and patterns, I'd prefer to look nice. I don't always know quite where to draw the line though. And it seems that others don't have a good idea what I like, which makes it harder.

I have similar experiences, however, mine tend to be less about missing things because of deliberate choices I made, and more about missing things because of easily avoidable mistakes I made, or things I'd forgotten about. Case in point, two weeks and six days ago, I was scheduled for my weekly therapy appointment. Because school has been closed for the holidays, and my therapist is directly connected to my school, we shifted my appointment time from 6 PM (my usual time) to 2 PM. I had forgotten to write it down though, and so thought I was still going in at 6. I got a call from my therapist at 2:17 asking where I was. I told her I'd forgotten about the time change, and she asked to reschedule for the following week because she was busy the rest of the day. As soon as I hung up the phone, I had a meltdown over it. I look forward to those appointments as a relief from the baggage I've been carrying around all week, and because the previous Tuesday had been the 23rd of December, two days before Christmas, it had already been two weeks since I'd been in. Missing out on things I enjoy, or screwing up important events or appointments because of my own simple mistakes is the one thing that's guaranteed to trigger an instant meltdown every time. I really hate it.

The missing things because of decisions I've made doesn't really happen for me, because I always weigh my choices very carefully; I rarely make impulse decisions that make me wish I'd made a different choice initially.

StarTrekker--I also rather rarely make choices that I regret, at least when A) I'm consciously making a decision, and B) the outcomes are predictable. For instance, in the instances where I miss something out of "laziness", it's not that I've decided to do something else instead, it's a combination of me not realizing how late it's gotten, and possibly not knowing that the thing I'm trying to make it to will be over at a certain time.

There also are instances where I will choose one of two options, only to find out that the option I chose doesn't at all live up to my expectations. Though usually those are much less upsetting than the cases where I missed something because someone else convinced me not to go, or because time slipped by. And when I end up consciously choosing NOT to do something, it almost never crosses my mind to ask whether I would have liked it (my previous psychologist pointed out that this asymmetry leads me to try new things rarely).

Your comment about appointments brings up something else that I think others can relate to. It occurred to me today to ask myself what I would do if it were ME who had an appointment scheduled tomorrow, not my mom, and the weather looked right again. In other words, let's say that I determined that I would be willing to spend $25 to be able to see/photograph what I wanted, and had an appointment with a fee of $25 for a no-show, would I skip it? I came to the conclusion that no, I wouldn't, since to me an appointment is like a promise, and I am big about keeping to all promises. It would be different if it were, for example, advance tickets to a movie or performance, because it really doesn't hurt the theater if someone who pays for a seat doesn't sit there. I very rarely forget about appointments, though.

I remember the time when my mom kept telling me over and over to try on my prom dress I got the year before and I had worn it once. I wouldn't try it on and when the day came, it wouldn't zip up and no wonder my mom kept telling me to try that darn thing on. Why didn't she say her reason? I was pretty mad at her because she didn't give me a reason to do it, she just expected me to know her reason on my own. This sort of thing happens to me a lot until it's too late.

I can think of other examples like:

When I was 14, my mom told me I needed to stop calling myself ret*d because it might make other kids feel bad in the resource room and also they could have a sibling with that condition and they might think I am making fun of that child. I was lost and confused and thought "why would they be that stupid and make those assumptions" and I thought my mom was being unreasonable for assuming kids would be that stupid to make such an idiotic assumption. Now as an adult I can understand her perspective now and why she would be concerned about kids having the wrong idea. being aware of how that word gets used as a slang to mean stupid, kids might have thought I was doing that instead of knowing I thought I really did think I had a low IQ and kids at my old school were right all along and I hated having it and wished I was normal and had a normal IQ instead and it has nothing to do with how I feel about people with it, it's about how I feel about having it.

When I was 21, my dad told me to not talk about my ex because my new boyfriend wouldn't want to hear about it. I didn't understand and how would he know, can he read his mind? I did anyway and then talked about him and my other ex to my husband when we met and he supported me and the hurt they caused me. Then four years later I learn from a blog about why you shouldn't talk about your ex's. I wished my dad gave me reasons than just saying, "Don't talk about your old boyfriend, he wouldn't want to hear about it." I always need reasons damn it when I am told to not do something. How hard is it to take a few minutes to list the reasons why? I can understand now my dad was probably trying to protect me and keep my ex from getting the wrong idea about me like he could have thought I wasn't ready for a new relationship yet, or he could have thought if I am talking bad about him, what bad things would I be saying about him if we break up or what am I leaving out when I talk about him because there is more to the story than one side and what were my flaws I did in it?


I think I have gotten better but I was much worse then. I have more life experience now and am more aware of peoples thoughts so that helps me out with different perspectives.

League Girl--I think you are discussing kind of the opposite problem, that you don't do things that others tell you to do because you don't get the reason for doing so. I have had that issue many times about various things having to do with good manners--I didn't get why others should care about these things. It still is annoying when someone criticizes things like how I eat, but I understand that manners are about not disgusting/offending/hurting other people, which is something I didn't get as a kid.

What I was talking about here though is following people's advice even when it's in conflict with one's own priorities, without giving too much thought of whether it is in conflict or not, and then getting upset when it is. Or even not giving enough thought to one's own priorities or goals to act when it is possible to do so--only getting upset when it no longer is possible.