Things I need explained
23 Jan 2015, 1:56 pm
I think there are certain things normal people do that I just don't comprehend:
Why do people feel the need to greet other people that they are not very good friends with?
Why do you have to give context before you state what you need someone to do?
Why do people watch sports?
Why do parents pay for your college and continue to support you and put up with your crap?
Why can't girls make an almost instantaneous judgement about whether they like you or not?
I understand this stuff on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level, I can't comprehend it at all. And I've had NT's explain it, but it makes no sense.
23 Jan 2015, 2:25 pm
It signals to them that you're not completely indifferent to their presence and that you're open to speaking further if they'd like. More problematically though, since this is the social convention, the opposite (not greeting them) signals that you are indifferent to their presence.
Without context, the request carries the assumption that I just expect them to do what I want, regardless about how they feel about it. Giving them context allows them to feel more personally involved in whatever the request is, rather than just doing things for you.
Because people have strong tribal affiliation impulses built into their genes. Watching sports scratches that itch in an enjoyable way for them, somewhat like having sex while using birth control is enjoyable. You're sort of short circuiting your biological impulses to bring you enjoyment without having to do the things they're actually driving you to do.
Evolution. Natural selection has rewarded parents who have a stronger impulse to insure their offspring's success. But that biological drive doesn't really distinguish between whether or not your children actually deserve your support.
I don't really get why this one is hard to understand. Why can't you tell if you'll like a book from the first page? Why can't you tell if you'll like a movie from a 15 second teaser? More information leads to more informed decisions. And when it comes to people there's a lot of information to process.
23 Jan 2015, 2:35 pm
I tried my best.
Why do you have to give context before you state what you need someone to do? I'm not sure what you're asking? Are you talking about giving an explanation about why you want someone's help, for example? It just makes sense to do so... no one wants to do something without knowing exactly what they're being asked to do.
Why do people watch sports? They like them. I watch figure skating (occasionally) because I like it.
Why do parents pay for your college and continue to support you and put up with your crap? I wouldn't know - my dad left when I was 10 and my mom's on disability so I'm taking out loans. I would say that from my own experiences and my brother's, no college student should have to deal with work and full-time school at the same time though. It's even worse if you're in an honors program and/or are in a pre-professional program. Not to mention that all students don't put parents through "crap."
Why can't girls make an almost instantaneous judgement about whether they like you or not? I do this all the time. I'm extremely good a reading people, so I can judge whether I like them in a platonic way but also romantically. Don't act like this is a girl thing though; it's a people thing because guys do this too. I'm dealing with a situation with a guy who I think has been hinting at me, but how the heck would I know if I can't pick up hints right away?? Hints are stupid. For all I know, I'm imagining things. It does take time to really get to know people though, so I would assume that's why some people may know not how they feel right away.
Uhm, they're not? What are you defining as "the average person"?
_________________
Diagnosed with ADHD combined type (02/09/16) and ASD Level 1 (04/28/16).
23 Jan 2015, 3:15 pm
@ Jezebel, by average I guess I mean the average person who I talk to, even when you address them on a subject they are interested in they seem to not have really thought about it at all. Let's say you'd brought up the batman movie, how much you liked it, I'd probably say something like, yeah, I liked it too. I've heard that the joker is supposed to represent chaos and mayhem and that the dark knight is logic and order, and that those two are always in conflict inside your mind but there's never really a way that one can destroy the other.
That would be a short, easy thought for me. Talking in such a way would be quite natural. But, at best, I get a response kind of like, "Yeah, I'm kind of too tired to talk about that right now."
But I know what they are really saying is, whoa, you just made me wolf down a mind burrito that I can't possibly digest and gave me major indigestion. Can't you just talk about how hot Christian Bale is?
23 Jan 2015, 3:19 pm
@gamerdad as far as liking disliking someone. That judgement is pretty quick and instantaneous for me. I mean, a day or two at most, then I'm obsessed and thinking about getting married or just not in the least bit interested. There's no in-between for me.
Don't get why girls aren't the same way. I mean, I understand formalities but there seems more to it than that. Seems like their emotions aren't just on an on-off switch.
23 Jan 2015, 3:32 pm
I don't understand a lot of these things too and when people explain them to me, I still don't get it.
When I like someone whether it be in a sexual or friendship way - I get obsessed with them, and I want to give them the world. It's very hard for me to read the social cues of people's intentions and it doesn't take until after bad things happen for people to tell me that someone was taking advantage of me. When people hurt me when I've been nothing but nice to them, it fills me up with an unexplainable feeling of being robbed along with rage.
For example: I got binoculars and at my apartment, I was watching people through the window and it was so exciting and exhilarating for me. Just watching them and dreaming of them, the idea but what hurt the most about it was I wanted to be there with them and apart of their lives , even when I'm out with people or even writing this post from my bed. There's this constant feeling of watching from outside of my body, I don't know if that's from trauma or being an aspie but I don't fully feel here ever.
23 Jan 2015, 3:47 pm
Don't get why girls aren't the same way. I mean, I understand formalities but there seems more to it than that. Seems like their emotions aren't just on an on-off switch.
I think that's more an NT/AS thing than a male/female thing. We just have a stronger tendency to fixate on things that we're interested in, sometimes those things are other people. I think it's important to recognize that when this happens, we're often not obsessed with the other person so much as the idea of them that we build in our heads. It's easy to imagine a happy life with someone you barely know because you can fill in all the blanks with your idealized versions of them. But that's not how people actually work when you get to know them on a deeper level.
I think maybe NTs are more wary of this. They're more comfortable staying in that "I'm not sure if I like you or not yet" place. Whereas we crave certainty. We quickly make up our minds about which direction we want to take the relationship, even when we don't have all the information we need to make that decision. It can often lead to getting hurt, like how campboy92 talked about.
23 Jan 2015, 3:54 pm
Don't get why girls aren't the same way. I mean, I understand formalities but there seems more to it than that. Seems like their emotions aren't just on an on-off switch.
I think that's more an NT/AS thing than a male/female thing. We just have a stronger tendency to fixate on things that we're interested in, sometimes those things are other people. I think it's important to recognize that when this happens, we're often not obsessed with the other person so much as the idea of them that we build in our heads. It's easy to imagine a happy life with someone you barely know because you can fill in all the blanks with your idealized versions of them. But that's not how people actually work when you get to know them on a deeper level.
I think maybe NTs are more wary of this. They're more comfortable staying in that "I'm not sure if I like you or not yet" place. Whereas we crave certainty. We quickly make up our minds about which direction we want to take the relationship, even when we don't have all the information we need to make that decision. It can often lead to getting hurt, like how campboy92 talked about.
Well said! Don't think most people could explain it that way. lol
23 Jan 2015, 4:26 pm
That would be a short, easy thought for me. Talking in such a way would be quite natural. But, at best, I get a response kind of like, "Yeah, I'm kind of too tired to talk about that right now."
But I know what they are really saying is, whoa, you just made me wolf down a mind burrito that I can't possibly digest and gave me major indigestion. Can't you just talk about how hot Christian Bale is?
Would you consider that to be a special interest or a topic you're really into though? If it's something you bring up often, the person just may not be as interested as you are. I've had people tell me that before. I don't think it's fair to assume it has something to do with their attention spans or thoughts (everyone isn't even interested in celebrities - I'm assuming Christian Bale is one because I have no idea who that is lol) without first analyzing the social interaction that's taking place between you. We (those of us on the spectrum) seem to have the ability to "put off" people without even recognizing it. It's possible that that's what you're doing.
_________________
Diagnosed with ADHD combined type (02/09/16) and ASD Level 1 (04/28/16).
23 Jan 2015, 4:37 pm
That would be a short, easy thought for me. Talking in such a way would be quite natural. But, at best, I get a response kind of like, "Yeah, I'm kind of too tired to talk about that right now."
But I know what they are really saying is, whoa, you just made me wolf down a mind burrito that I can't possibly digest and gave me major indigestion. Can't you just talk about how hot Christian Bale is?
Would you consider that to be a special interest or a topic you're really into though? If it's something you bring up often, the person just may not be as interested as you are. I've had people tell me that before. I don't think it's fair to assume it has something to do with their attention spans or thoughts (everyone isn't even interested in celebrities - I'm assuming Christian Bale is one because I have no idea who that is lol) without first analyzing the social interaction that's taking place between you. We (those of us on the spectrum) seem to have the ability to "put off" people without even recognizing it. It's possible that that's what you're doing.
Well, I do have special interests. But no, batman isn't one of them. Star wars maybe.
I just tend to be very...intense like that.
Seems to me people purport to be interested in things but they don't really have any interest in it, at all. But then they just don't notice the same things I do.
23 Jan 2015, 5:00 pm
I, myself, enjoy watching sports because it relaxes me. I like to root for my team to win. I don't think "tribalism" has much to do with my liking sports. I used to play some sports (not well) which they show on TV. I guess a "competitive streak" might underlie my enjoyment of sports.
If somebody asks you to do something without context, it is assumed that that "somebody" is making a demand, rather than a request. If there's context, then you become an "equal partner" in the venture--the person making the request is seeking a partner, rather than a servant.
As far as making snap judgements: I frequently don't. In most cases, my first impressions are not "true impressions." If I always relied on snap judgements, I would be in real trouble right now.
Yes, there are people who don't "think too deeply"--who might seem to have "short attention spans." Then there are others who are capable of thinking "deeply," but don't feel the desire to. Others might not be in the mood to "think deeply" at the moment--there might be lots of stress in that person's life--and the person desires an escape. "Thinking deeply" might make them angry, and even cause them to do something which they do not want to do.
Even if you think "deeply," it does not mean you are in any way "superior" to the person who doesn't "think deeply" all the time.
I believe Gardner's "Multiple Intelligences" should be required reading for Aspies. Especially those who are complacent in their "feelings of superiority."
Parents pay for you college education for various reasons. Maybe they don't want you to be dependent on them for the rest of your (and their) lives. Maybe they feel pleasure in paying for something which you love. Maybe they want to brag to their friends that "my son is in college and is majoring in ________." There's many reasons.
Also: like Jezebel said, not all kids give parents "crap."
23 Jan 2015, 5:24 pm
If somebody asks you to do something without context, it is assumed that that "somebody" is making a demand, rather than a request. If there's context, then you become an "equal partner" in the venture--the person making the request is seeking a partner, rather than a servant.
As far as making snap judgements: I frequently don't. In most cases, my first impressions are not "true impressions." If I always relied on snap judgements, I would be in real trouble right now.
Yes, there are people who don't "think too deeply"--who might seem to have "short attention spans." Then there are others who are capable of thinking "deeply," but don't feel the desire to. Others might not be in the mood to "think deeply" at the moment--there might be lots of stress in that person's life--and the person desires an escape. "Thinking deeply" might make them angry, and even cause them to do something which they do not want to do.
Even if you think "deeply," it does not mean you are in any way "superior" to the person who doesn't "think deeply" all the time.
I believe Gardner's "Multiple Intelligences" should be required reading for Aspies. Especially those who are complacent in their "feelings of superiority."
Parents pay for you college education for various reasons. Maybe they don't want you to be dependent on them for the rest of your (and their) lives. Maybe they feel pleasure in paying for something which you love. Maybe they want to brag to their friends that "my son is in college and is majoring in ________." There's many reasons.
Also: like Jezebel said, not all kids give parents "crap."
I don't really have a clear line drawn between a strong sense of self confidence and a feeling of superiority, but if anyone knows how to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, I'm open to suggestions.
Never had a competitive instinct though, unless there is some objective reason why I am competing. If I want a particular object, I'll compete for it, but I don't see the point of sports, even individual ones. It gets you in shape but then why not just go to the gym? It achieves the same result with much less effort and time. And also it does exactly what you want.
As far as people not really feeling like talking about things in depth. Hmmm, they say that they aren't really feeling it RIGHT NOW but I find there's rarely an appropriate time. Maybe I should carry my planner so that people can pencil in a time when they'll be feeling it and we can reconvene. lol
Snap judgements-yeah, some people aren't really worth getting to know but I am very open minded. I find a lot of neurotypicals are always asking questions that essentially qualify or disqualify a person from social interraction, whereas I'm rarely judgemental in that sense. Although I will tell people what I think, but I don't usually think in terms of, is this a good or a bad person.
23 Jan 2015, 5:37 pm
There's nothing wrong with feeling self-confident--as long as it's not to the detriment of someone else. Then it becomes something else. It becomes egotism if (usually negative) assumptions are made about the other person.
There's self-confidence; and then there's arrogance.
I believe this is an excellent maxim to go by: "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." Follow this maxim while making an effort to know the other person. Make sure you listen to the other person, and make that person know that you're listening to him/her. If the person senses that you feel "superior" to them, or that you are seeking a "one-sided" relationship, the person will not want to get to know you.
People who play sports, especially pro sports, frequently seek a "tangible" object-type of award--such as a cup. This is in addition to money. This concept is virtually identical to your competitiveness in seeking the "object" you mentioned.
I frequently introduce "deep" topics--but in the presence of other topics which might give one immediate pleasure. It's almost like placing needed medicine into a child's chocolate milk. Children (and adults) universally hate medicine--but do not taste the medicine when mixed with something which tastes great.
I don't ask the sort of questions you mention. I am asked those sorts of questions all the time. That irritates me.
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