Why did my autistic traits show up later in life?

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My mom understands that I'm different, but when my mate told me family a couple months ago that I have Asperger's Disorder (I'm unconfirmed, not formally diagnosed but he said it as if it was official and I was in therapy or something) they all looked at him like he didn't know what he was talking about. After we left, my family discussed what that was really all about, and decided that the Mr. didn't know what he was talking about, Thanksgiving has always been hard for Lyra since the stillborn baby she had on Black Friday back in 1999. Later I talked to my mom and she still doesn't think I'm autistic. She doesn't know much about what autism is, though. I didn't have trouble in school with the academics, just with the social aspects. And gym. I hated gym.



Are the people in your life supportive of you acting different instead of trying to be more NT? I ask because I am getting more and more pressure all the time to learn to act normal, now that I know I'm autistic. I used to boldly declare that I was NOT normal and proud of it, normal is just a setting on your clothes dryer. I used to congratulate people on recognizing my eccentricities based on how soon after meeting me that they'd figured it out that I am kinda freaky. I used to reply to "You're weird" with "Thank you. That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me."

But ever since I told my husband that I think the weird thing about me is probably Asperger's Syndrome, I'm more and more aware of and more ashamed of my oddities. He's always telling me how it embarrasses him and makes everyone around us uncomfortable.

I think this is a very important point.
It seems as though NTs have no realization that the pressure to make yourself "act" in a non-genuine way is repulsive.

It is not only repulsive, it is detrimental to mental and physical well being. On several occasions I have had to completely retract from a toxic social/work environment. In each case my physical health had been affected, and once I found myself in a new context, for example after resigning from a toxic job, my physical health issues disappeared, and my mental state improved drastically.

However, NT society is structured in such a way that there is no complete escape from typical cultural norms. The best you can aim for is to be self-employed, and to incrementally construct a network of non-typical "neuro-compatible" collaborators. This increases the frequency of positive social interaction with trusted colleagues, it provides more room for retracting from social interaction as needed, and it reduces the frequency of social interactions with toxic individuals and the associated need to put on a typical "act".

Reaching the stage of being able to shape the social context in accordance with unique individual needs and preferences took three decades in my case. It involves a lot of hard work, perseverance, and an element of luck. Sometimes you can get stuck in a destructive social context from which it takes years to fully recover.

I am not sure whether an NT can comprehend the mental and physical effect of acting against a set of fundamental personal values. The older I get, the more the negative effects of acting prevail over the very short term and temporary benefits of being perceived as normal and culturally compliant. The less I act, the better I feel.

Unfortunately, the weaker one's financial position, the more the need to act in a typical manner becomes a matter of basic survival. This means children and financially insecure adults have very limited options, and are continuously at risk of being exploited. Society is incredibly cruel.

It is repulsive, I agree!

I remember way back in middle school I was part of a skit called masks, and it was all about the effort people go through to hide their true feelings and even their true selves behind masks that society would find more acceptable. It showed how the pressure to conform and put on a happy face just builds up pressure and stress until inside, people are screaming for help--all the while presenting a respectable face to the world.

I remember consciously deciding not to do that.

And now--more and more all the time key people in my life are pressuring me to act normal, act cheerful, act like I'm happy when I feel like everything is all messed up. And I can't hang on to it, not for more than a minute or two. I make myself smile, but I know it's fake. I can't see how anyone could be fooled by it, either. When I look at my own pretend public smile, I see a grotesquerie, a parody of a happy face, and it makes me feel worse. So what's the point? Who's honestly going to be made to feel better by an obviously fake smile, or a dishonest show of normalcy?

Basically everyone who's interacted with me beyond the most superficial level for more than a couple weeks at most come to the realization that there's something different and strange about me. How many of them label it Asperger's or Autism I don't know. Maybe more of them just think I'm a nutcase. I kind of think most of my co-workers--at least the clinical staff--are capable of recognizing an adult Aspie. Maybe not, as I'm not a boy child with a speech disorder.

But my family doesn't call my weirdness autism. They don't know what to call it. They don't know what the full autism spectrum is. They just think my head is getting more and more messed up.

And maybe it is, as I encounter less and less acceptance and tolerance and patience and forbearance for my eccentricities. I'd be better off in Britain, maybe, where they value eccentric academics and let them teach at Uni.

I was aware that I was a little different from a fairly young age—maybe it was when other kids my age were interested in "normal" kids stuff while I drew traffic signals—but I never really thought too much of it until I was in my 20s and started learning about ASDs. I think I'm just more aware of my ASD traits now.

Incidentally, one of my siblings suspected I was on the spectrum years before I realized it.