On the receiving end of a meltdown

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I have a teenage cousin ( 16 yrs. old) who has Aspergers. The few times I've been around to witness a meltdown, they've seemed pretty intense. However, yesterday's events left me feeling confused- amongst other things.

He came home from school (we don't live together, but he's at my grandparent's afterschool and I was visiting) and a meltdown shortly ensued. A minute or so after walking through the door, he walks to the back of the house and I heard the guest bedroom door slam. In the past, I was told to leave him alone when he gets like that, so I did just that.

I could hear him repeating something to himself for a while, but then I didn't hear anything for about 5 minutes, so I figured it was over. However, I soon heard what I imagine was him hitting himself (which he's done in the past). A minute or so after he stopped hitting himself, he shoots out of the room and comes right towards me. I tried to move out of the way, but he followed me quickly and preceded to punch me. Fortunately, I was able to jump over the chair, get out of the way, and scurry off into another room where he didn't have access to me. He wasn't actually able to hit me, but the experience left me confused, scared, and a little angry(if I'm being honest). He's grabbed me in the past, but he's never actually tried to hit me.

I guess I'm just wondering how I ended up on the receiving end of whatever he was going through and if I could've done anything differently? Comments and suggestions from friends, family, and/or people on the Autism spectrum are welcome.

That sounds awful. Are you an adult or a kid? Just to help with responding, because he shouldn't have done that No matter your age.

Meltdowns are kind of undirected. Shooting out of the room sounds extreme for a typical meltdown. So I'm not sure what was going on. Others may have more insight, or if you want to post more details

Thank you for responding!

I'm a 28 yr old woman. And yes, this was definitely extreme. I've seen him upset, but never anything like this.

Sometimes when I get upset, I lash out at whoever is around, not because I'm mad at them, I'm not, but my brain is pushing all these buttons at the same time, the I'm flying off the handle button, and the please help me button and what actions come out of me I don't intend to happen, I just watch it happen and I usually can't stop it. Hope this is somehow helpful.

I would want to find a way to figure out how to feel safer. If you have a good relationship with him you could talk with him that his behavior frightened you, as a result _____. Or if another family member could help with understanding maybe? Because certainly there might have been something you did that upset him, you might even inadvertantly have done something hurtful at that moment (made noise or something) but he's 16 and needs to be handling things better. But whether you were a convenient target for something else that upset him or did something, coming after you was wrong, and something for him to communicate his needs better or have help doing so and control his reactions more.

I'm assuming he wasn't startled and thought you were a burglar? He saw you or had reason to expect a family member, it wasn't a surprise?

Yep...he needs to know/be informed that there are alternatives to just lashing out at people like that. Like Waterfalls says, he's 16; he should have more conscious control of his emotions, even if he is "melting down."

He also needs to allow people to comfort him during times of meltdown.

If one informs him that he must make the attempt to achieve at least some self-control, it will benefit him in the long run. This will help him function as an adult.

Being punched/hit for no apparent reason is not exactly on peoples' bucket list for people who want to be amongst friends.

This for my meltdowns like that. Sometimes my dad holds a couch cushion in front of him and lets me hit that. Other times he wraps his arms around me from behind. But he's a big man and I'm more the size of a 12 year old.

Oh it definitely helps. He's never been able to explain to me what goes on in his head when he's upset, so this is some much-needed insight.

LOL no he wasn't startled, he saw me when he walked through the front door.

But I think talking with him about it will help.

It's good that you feel like talking is worth trying. I would suggest to be open to what he says, but also to have an outline in your mind of what if any change you may want as a result of the behavior scaring you.

I don't think it's helpful to treat him like he's a helpless child in the face of a meltdown, not having complete control doesn't have to mean coming out after someone, and I think it's much more respectful to let him know how his behavior affects you and help him see his needs are valid and recognized, and other people also have needs that are valid and should be recognized. Anyone can fall apart under enough stress, his working to not be scary will help him in the long run.

My husband lashes out. He comes running after me, and I'm not anywhere near him. I don't provoke him. I don't say boo.

Now I don't trust him at all. He remembers none of the meltdown.

I thought I remembered him having a comorbid condition from other things you've written? Even if undiagnosed? Not that that's any excuse, though. Can you get away from him? That's an awful way to live.

I guess I have hope a 16 year old can learn better. Plus he's not repeated this. And shouldn't.

I can't recall ever having a meltdown where I randomly physically struck someone.

I've had many scraps with my brother where he'd push my buttons and piss me off and then I'd just start swinging lol this was mostly back when we were teenagers/young 20's. The older I got, the better I got at recognizing when I was getting angry and I would verbally tell him "you're pissing me off, I DON'T want to hit you. Just drop it." But he'd continue pushing my buttons, I'd get mad and then lose control of myself in a bit of a fit of rage and end up hitting him… then he'd tell our parents he didn't know why I hit him, and I'd tell them I TOLD him to stop and leave me alone but he just keeps on pushing and pushing until I snap. Sometime's he'd get lectured for that because our parents knew damn well that it takes two to tango & sometimes they'd even overhear me telling him to knock it the F off.

But yeah, moral of the story is that sometimes even when you're consciously aware of the fact that you're losing control of yourself… you lose control of yourself and your actions - they just sort of happen, unconsciously. Maybe your cousin doesn't have any particular anger towards you and he was just angry/frustrated and lashing out? Don't take it personally. Maybe when he's calm you could ask him if he was upset with you or just angry about something in general and he might be able to shed a little light on it.

As for myself, I haven't lost my cool with my brother like that for several years. The last couple years, since figuring out how to successfully treat my symptoms, I haven't lost my cool with anyone no matter how stressful the situation - I'm very very calm and controlled now compared to when minor things might irritate or piss me off. I haven't felt "rage" in many years, either. It seems like a distant past life where I used to lose it & flip out every once in a while.

OP, I think talking to his parents would be a good idea. He needs to learn that its unacceptable to behave this way. It's not just about your relationship. His behaviour will repeat with others who trigger him and he may get into something he cant handle or hurt someone.

I don't blame you. I wouldn't trust him either. He needs to do something to avoid this behaviour. Maybe he could take a sedative?