Feeling Sad

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I'm not feeling too happy right now. I have Aspergers, a form of autism, and as a result, I'm not very good with people. As time has gone by, I have had less and less friends in life. I used to have a lot of friends initially when I was little. All small kids are weird in their own way and I didn't stick out like a sore thumb back then.

Gradually I was whittled down to 3 friends. Then 2, then 1. From 2004-2010 I had one friend in the whole world. His name was Patrick.I didn't even have aquaintances. We were very close friends and we used to hang out every other day. He was a good and true friend and was always there for me when I was in a jam, and I tried to reciptrocate as best I could. We had a falling out around the time I reconnected in 2010 with another friend, Chris, who I'd stopped talking to in 2004. I'd known Chris since I was 5 (I was born in 83) and Patrick since I was 11. So now I still had 1 friend, Chris. As time went by I came to realize that Chris and I had become fundamentally incompatible as human beings and we had a pretty vicious falling out a few months ago. It's very clear to me that I will never talk to either of these people again. Now I'm left with no friends.

I have aquaintances- my ex girlfriend who I went out with in 2008, Shannon, who I've stayed friends with, and another person from grammar school who I recently reconected with via Facebook- John. These people are not really what I could consider "friends". Not in a close sense. We rarely speak or see eachother, and when we do its just very briefly. I went out for a drink and Nachos with Shannon last night.

I feel like, other than my mother, I have nobody in the world who I am close to and who I can share my feelings with, and that makes me very sad.

I wish I at least had a good relationship with my father, or my cousins, or the rest of my family.. but I don't. Nobody calls me. My father and I have never gotten along at all, and he says really terrible things to me. He recently told me that he wanted to put a bullet in me. That really hurt my feelings. Today I'm so upset I actually have physical symptoms from my emotions. I'm very cold and shaky and my chest is tight and sore.

I feel like such a failure at life because it's very hard for me to hold down a job or have any kind of social interaction with anybody- particularly strangers. I always thought that once I was an adult people would become much more understanding at it would be easier to get by in life, at least socially, but that's not the case at all. If anything adults are even harder to make friends with than children or teenagers were.

I fear that I will be forever doomed to loneliness, failure, and abject mediocrity. I'm extremely depressed right now.

Thanks for listening.

I think that once a person begins to experience rejection, it gets harder and harder to try again. We fear experiencing the rejection again, so become more guarded. A lot of the time other people I think might see that? And then it makes it harder for them to see us as the kind/funny/intelligent/friendly people we are, because we are scared they will hurt us like we have been hurt before. That sets us up to be more likely to experience rejection.

And i've experienced this before. This cycle where it just ended up that I was kind of scared of talking to anyone ever all the time even if they smiled at me because ANYTHING was just an opportunity for people to be mean and hurtful. And that was even if some sort of option came up at ALL... I could not longer see it as an opportunity for possible connection. Just humiliation or sadness.

I can relate to what you are saying.
I saw you live in [or near] a large city. Have you considered looking for any aspie related organizations or meetups? That kind of thing can be scary, but... it's kind of where you might need to just assume it might be really uncomfortable and even try a few times. people tend to come random weeks.

I have done things like that and had to go several times before having a full conversation with anyone.
In the past, actually... being really active online has INITIALLY given me some connection and helped me kind of springboard back into the real world.

I'm sorry you feel disconnected. Hopefully you can find a couple people to link up with. I would try looking in your area for any kind of group that might work- you could go and try it and leave if it's not for you. I find giving myself that option actually hlps.

I have recently become involved with a non profit org called Kerrys Place which helps people on the spectrum. I go to weekly meetings with other aspergers people. I also have appointments for one on one counseling through this organization starting in April.

I went to therapy for a long time with psychiatrists and psychotherapists but all it did was frustrate me.

I feel like the more time that goes by, the more I learn about how to interact with other people, but the less opportunities I have to do it. I feel like my learning has been for nothing. I feel like if I had known what I know now when I was 4 or 5 years old.. Even 10 years old, I would have built more life long friendships and I would have been able to hold onto them. But now, I have no avenues for making friends. I try to bring myself closer to people, and they don't seem like they want that. My aquaintances seem to want to stay in the aquaintance zone.

I feel like the only person I have that I'm close to is my mom, and that puts a lot of stress on my mom since I"m always asking her questions about how to do simple things, and how to interact and what I should do next in life. I'm incapable of making major decisions on my own. I worry that I put too much stress on my mom, and I know I'm difficult to deal with too. She has to ask me to do things 10 times and it's not that I don't WANT to do these things, they just don't click, or I forget...

I'm not sure I want to make friends through Kerry's place because other people on the spectrum freak me out. Out of the 25 people I go to groups with there are 2, both female, who I would even consider being friends with. And I'm not sure if they'd be interested. One of them, I find myself attracted to, and I think it would be very difficult for me to have a platonic relationship with somebody I was attracted to. It would make me nervous.. So that leaves me with one person. A woman in her 30s who's very small and very quiet. Not sure if she even wants friends. A lot of aspies don't. I do. I've always wanted friends and it's always made me very sad that I had so few. Now, I have none. I feel lost. I feel desperate.

Even if I do make friends it will take 10-20 years before I develop the kind of closeness I had with my old lifelong friends, and that's a long shot. I think my odds of having another truly close friend in life are slim to none.

I'm just very sad right now

I know that sometimes when I feel crummy, I just need to like, feel crummy for a while. Because stuff sucks and I kind of need to work through dealing with that before I can try to tackle whatever it is that is really really upsetting me. And that is reasonable. It's understandable that you feel sad right now.


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I have the feeling something like Kerry's place might not be a place for someone like you to look for people to meet?
There are groups that are specifically focused on being social and meeting people and not at all focused on assistance or advocacy or any sort but recruit people on the spectrum.
Something like this [though there are others and you can try searching using different key words there or through google generally] http://www.meetup.com/asc-toronto/
If you are up for it at some point [but only when you feel ready, obviously] that may be a better avenue.