Ugh... I Hate Confrontation!

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So I'm basically in a position where I need to quit my job, because they really don't respect my disability or the accommodations that I require. I'm a very hard worker, and I'm very proud of the work I do. But I take a very firm stance against any form of disrespect.

Problem is, when I have to deal with confrontational situations, I get so anxious! Do you guys have any strategies that help calm yourself down when you get like this?

I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a situation. And I'm sorry I cannot offer any proven strategies to calmly deal with it. You may want to prepare a list of the points that you want to make. You could also imagine the things your employer/boss might say so that you can readily respond to them. When you are clear about what you want to say, it surely helps.

I'm in a similar situation myself and wondering what I can do about it. I'm anxious even in most non-confrontational situations. I'm hoping I will be made redundant (extra money). I'm trying to subtly antagonize my boss so that I will be chosen for redundancy.

I hope it all works out for you.

Don't quit. Demand the environment you need.

They will likely fire you, but then you will get benefits.

Don't think of it as confrontation, just be insistent. Tell them exactly what you need. You never know, they might actually give it to you.

I'm really conflicted about this. On one hand, I strongly feel that I should demand the work environment that I need. But on the other hand, as someone tried to explain to me last night, If I know I have this, and I know how it affects me, then there's no reason why I can't come up with a few strategies to deal with it. Because frankly, despite what the law says, no one cares about "Disability X, Y, or Z". The best way to make sure that you are treated equal among your peers is to not let anyone know you have it. Period.

What are your thoughts on this?

In previous employment situations where I have disclosed it has gone badly. People just didn't understand autism. In one case, the whole environment became so awkward I left. In the other, they didn't understand and couldn't have met my needs anyway.

You need to get your point across, but you need to get it across in a matter that doesn't antagonize the person to a point where they actively work against you. Let's say you don't tell them you have a disability. I think you are still going to get yourself in trouble, because you will find yourself up in situations which conflict with your ability to handle the job. How do you then handle this situation? How do you obtain the work environment you require to maximise your ability to perform the job? You don't have to tell them you have ASD but you need to assert yourself in requesting changes to your work environment which best suit your ability to perform the job. There is assertiveness training that that will give you the confidence in handling conflicts in the workforce. Being submissive will just make it easy for people to trample over you. Being antagonistic will create enemies working against you. Being assertive and sticking to your guns will achieve the outcomes you require.

If you're going to leave, I would recommend leaving on good terms, and avoiding confrontation altogether. A good reference will help you get a new job.

As confrontations go, it doesn't sound like it has to be a very dramatic one.

I wasn't getting specific enough adjustments in my university job. I raised the matter at an appraisal session, but the appraiser was too clever to say yes or no, he just said he couldn't himself see any specific adjustments that would work (neither could I at that stage), but that I was free to try to find an autism expert in the university and to try to get them to see what they could come up with.

So he wasn't helpful. Aspies are notorious for having problems with self-advocating, and my rank wasn't high - I had no pull on the occupational health people, couldn't even get them to send out minutes for the one and only meeting I ever had about my diagnosis.

I know of a professor of law who tried to sue them for constructive dismissal via ignoring his autism, he lost the case, and he thinks that it was rigged, the old boys' club kind of thing. Legal liability is about the only thing that would make the university listen to an employee's complaint, and if a professor of law couldn't touch them legally, I wouldn't have stood a chance.

There was no drama, though I was anxious about asking. I didn't threaten to quit, but it was known that I was thinking of it (I'd previously applied for a voluntary severance deal, got offered one, and rejected it). I quit when my sums told me I could afford to. I don't think I could have influenced them to look at the adjustments or even talk to me about how they were going. My bosses were stubborn people, and crafty.

For myself, medication. I do tend to cry when overwhelmed, which is less frowned upon as a female. I have been open about my diagnosis, while finding ways to stay in my comfort zone. I have found this to work well when I have issues, but every job environment differs. Mine has an invested interest to respect disabilities that many other job sites do not.

I agree with not quitting. That's the easiest route for your employer, and definitely not in your best interests unless you've landed a better job.

Don't quit. Go to the nearest vocational rehab center and explain your situation. They may be able to step in to advocate for you.

Quick update:

I decided to not, in fact, quit my job. I have a few friends who know how to calm me down, and help me think through things and see the point of view of others. In fact, someone on this forum made a few suggestions on how I can fix my current issues without having to raise a huge stink about it. I'll be putting some of these measures into effect this weekend. We'll see how this works out.

I wish you luck.

Try using an advocate to advance your case (as has been suggested), or having some of your workplace friends helping you is a good idea.

Instead of making demands which puts your supervisors on the back foot, try making requests instead and argue logically why those requests are needed to be put in place, namely that it makes you a more productive worker which benefits the company. If you push the benefit, rather than making it personal, you have more chances of succeeding in your requests.

Only quit your job as a last resort when all else has failed.