Freaking out about assessment.

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I have an assessment for Aspergers syndrome in three weeks. Since the beginning of the month I have become more and more on edge about it. I keep looking up any form of Aspergers/ASD in films and tv and trying to work out if I'm like them or not- panicking when I think I'm not and then getting paranoid I'm imitating when I later notice similar traits.

I have been waiting about a year for this assessment, and in that time I have done a lot of reading, and with the reading has come the noticing of a lot of behaviours I have that I get paranoid (and always have) I'm simply making up or exaggerating just to be awkward. Now I am in the position that part of me is desperately hoping the assessment will diagnose Aspergers, because then I feel I would have, in a weird way, permission to do the weird stuff I do. But then the rest of me, that voice that used to criticise me so much when I was a young teenager, tells me I'm being stupid and attention seeking. I feel like I'm making things up because I want to be special. I used to pretend illness a little when I was younger because some days I just really could not cope with the idea of going to school- even though I loved school academically- and I get worried I'm doing something like that and not realising- like I'm looking for excuses.

I grew up with a younger brother who has severe learning difficulties and learnt very quickly that it was not all about me. I never minded, because I adore my brother, but it also means I developed a tendency to not talk about things, to try to cause as little trouble as possible, and to be more aware of my parents' moods because I cannot stand it when people in the house are in bad moods- it feels like this dark cloud everywhere and you can't escape it. I have key moments growing up I remember throwing fits and when my dad asked me why I couldn't answer I just knew there was something wrong. But as I got a little older I became very self-critical and strict with myself. I used to think I was a very bad person because I would do stupid things. I would tell myself off for wanting to hide in the toilets or for wanting to not go out in the holidays. I got so frustrated with myself sometimes I would lose the ability to speak properly or write properly with a pen and I always had this feeling that I just wanted to escape somewhere where it was easier- but then go mad at myself for the thought.

I was recommended for assessment due to sensory issues I described to someone at university, and the university then gave me a lot of information about autism/aspergers to try and help me understand what might be going on with my head. I adopted some of the advice, started making a lot of lists and daily timetables to get stuff done (I just can't concentrate otherwise), but now I keep thinking, what if I don't have it? What if I'm just trying to be special or just being awkward?

I feel like if the answer is no I will no longer have the right to be weird about eye contact or wanting to hide or having meltdowns because I stupidly missed breakfast the day of my nine o'clock lecture and am suddenly in a foul mood and acting like a complete child.

I was always weird, but I went to a highly academic school full of weird people. The only character on tv I've found and think- that's me- is Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds and I'm not even that clever, he just does the random spitting out of facts and not finding everything funny that other people laugh at, which I do.

My perception of normal is actually not great since I made friends with the weird people (eventually) at school, I have no other siblings than my brother and to my godsisters I grew up with it was just a joke that I was different because I wasn't a 'typical teenage girl', I was just clever.

And so, I am freaking out a lot about this assessment because I feel like a lot hangs on the decision, even though rationally I'm aware it shouldn't.

Am I truly losing it or does this make sense to anybody?

You are you no matter what the explanation or label is.

The anxiety and rumination is normal (especially if you you are on the spectrum)

Good luck and do let us know how the assessment went.