I'd love some help with something I questioning at the moment relating to routine.
What is routine? How is it defined in terms of Aspergers? I'm trying to think of routines I have, but I can't. Maybe it's because viewing oneself is difficult. But, I just can't find routine. Which means I'm questioning my diagnosis.
I have no set sleeping pattern, but I do feel comfortable early AM, so I tend to like to stay awake during these hours. What I do throughout the rest of the day is a bit hard for me to define, so I will do it in a step by step:
1. I wake up
2. I require a cup of tea, if I don't have one I can be grouchy, but I think this is true for NT's too
3. After my tea, straight on my laptop to study, work or research. I'm not one for Facebook, I don't even have a FB account no more. I will usually continue with what I was working on before I slept.
4. I eat whenever I feel hungry
5. I fall asleep
Seriously, that's my life. I exist in the virtual world, I have no real need to be away from this world. I see the Internet as a library, a tool for learning and expanding ones knowledge. I don't see it as a playground as most do.
Now, disrupt me anywhere in that cycle i.e. meetings, appointments, unexpected goings out etc I turn sour fast. I go moody, and go into my shell big time. My partner will notice I'm not myself. I'm withdrawn she says. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't explain the uncomfortableness except it's similar to having to look someone in the eye during conversation (*shudders*).
I don't have friends so I don't need to go anywhere. I am not interested in friends. I got to know this guy recently who I get my weed off. Cool dude an all, but my actions hurt him and now he no longer speaks to. He had this idea that because I'm super hot on computers, he could get a location and some funding, set up a business and have me working out back but owning 50%.. I thought he was joking. Then he comes around saying he has a meeting with bank manager for us and I need to attend. I was scared of telling him I didn't want to do it, so I didn't. I tried to go with the idea. The day came for the meeting, and I felt so uncomfortable about it all I just ignored his calls and ignored him knocking on my door. Running away I think this is called. I do this often.
I don't really understand the protocol of friendships (didn't Sheldon Cooper say that?)
I do go out for walks, walk the dogs, rarely I will pick my stepson up from school, oh and spend time with my stepson, but even those have to semi forced otherwise I'd be more than happy not doing them. Those are the things I know I need to do. I'd be more than happy not doing them though.
I don't follow timetables. I don't really have a preference on clothing. I tend to see what fashion is trending on other people and if I like the look of it I will try copy that look.
Food though, thats different. Pre processed food makes me instantly lose my appetite. Any food purchased from stores such as Iceland, Farmfoods etc (UK people will know those) makes me also lose my appetite. Any food I haven't purchased makes me not want to eat it. Soft textures like humous, liver, some pastes (depending on ingredients). If I don't have a sauce or a dip I can't really enjoy food. Chicken! If someone else but me cooks chicken I refuse to eat it.
But, those seem NT too.
Ah my heads a mess. It puzzles my brain thinking of this stuff. Is the diagnosis wrong? Could I possibly be normal? I'm just sick of this label, and not being able to understand things about what my brain is doing.
The only way I cope with daily life is with weed. Without weed life is so much more difficult.
I don't know if this was a question, or a rant, but I needed to post it. I needed someone to talk to about this. Thank you for reading.
24 Mar 2015, 11:23 am
