Lack of empathy?

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I’m having a bit of trouble grasping this “lack of empathy” thing. If you ask me, lack of empathy could be considered a universal problem, not just an AS problem. Look at all the people who complain about their day being ruined by the accident that caused them to be late for work, without even acknowledging that the victim of that accident probably had far more than their “day” ruined; or the jerk that blasts his stereo all hours of the day even though he knows full well that only 2 inches of wall separate him from his neighbours. Not to mention all the bullies that made our lives miserable as kids, teenagers, and possibly even adults – yet WE are the ones that lack empathy?

Personally, I take great offense to that.

I guess I can sort of see where it comes from, though. I do often have a lot of trouble displaying empathy. To an NT observer, it probably looks like I lack emotion. I think it can be considered an extension of our inability to express body language (not just in facial expression, but tone of voice as well), and even our inability to sustain “small talk”, since there are actually a set of socially acceptable (even “expected”) responses to good or bad news. A co-worker once told me that her elderly aunt was in the hospital, and all I said was “oh…” I mean, I felt bad that she was concerned about her aunt, but at the same time, I didn’t really know what else to say about it. See, another problem with situations like this is that, with my tendency to take anything and everything literally, I sort of have this idea that people tell me stuff like this because they think I can do something about it. Personally, I don’t go around telling people things unless I have a good reason for doing so (part of the reason I’m so bad at small talk), so when someone tells me about a personal problem, I think they want me to solve it – or at the very least give them some suggestions on how to deal with it. Case in point, I didn’t know what to say about my co-worker’s aunt because, sheesh, it sucks but there’s nothing I can do about it! I forget that people aren’t necessarily looking for solutions when they tell you about their personal problems – another nuance of interpersonal communication that seems to fly over my head most of the time. Even if I CAN decipher that they are just looking for a sounding board, then I still need to remember that’s it’s appropriate to say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that”, with a sympathetic tone in your voice. Just because it’s so hard to keep all the rules straight, doesn’t mean I don’t actually FEEL empathy.

There are so many other issues that can affect this as well. We can get stuck on details – like when I used to think disasters were cool until I was reminded of the human impact. For the longest time, I needed that reminder (although now I am so well practiced at it that I probably feel a little TOO MUCH empathy when I hear of a disaster). I also think we sometimes take more of a logical approach to empathy, like when I didn’t understand my friend’s happiness that a couple she knows who fight nonstop with each other announced that they were pregnant.

What *is* the clinical definition of empathy?

The "lack of empathy" notion seems really wrong to me, too. After reading Erilyn's post I looked the word up in several general dictionaries and found such a diversity of definitions that I came to the conclusion that the word is pretty much useless.

Most people seem to think a "lack of empathy" means indifference to the feelings of others, but none of the definitions I found justify that interpretation at all.

UULL //HIT

-Aspies - Lack of Empathy? - really it's the exact opposite - they ahve no-idea of the meaning of empathy - they just think they do thos smug NT's

--Aspie have to live with social angst through out thier lives, so most will develop Highly accute sensory perception about the logic behind every action, be it the bouncing of a ball to the facial expression a cat makes. ---bceause we find it so hard to understand just what it is a person is saying , with thier body, laguange, yet while having to have to listen -- we are the most empathetic group of people on earth... with empathsis with with the speck of dust on the table ... with very specific traits of body language and vocal enunciation... we take tiny little details and with a "Reflex action" spurt out our empathy (if it is something we should feel towards) - the problem isn't US - it's them.... they are so realxed and read human interaction on the WHOLE and actually alot of the time MISS the subtle peices of communication that everyone is doing subconsciencly....Us aspies read flinches, and facial expressions, and decided to interprete them as certain feelings (with what we are told by NT's as being a flawwed interpretation) --in effect it's the NT's that have the problem that can't remember nanosecond subconscience thought -- NT's are in effect constantly lying to themselves - and lie-ers are the ones that have the least amount of empathy in society.

Not as empathetic as most ppl but im not sadistic or anything.

I have a pretty bad lack of empathy myself.

I only really have empathy for plants and animals.

I define my lack of empathy as being totally clueless to the emotional states of other people and being totally unable to comprehend them. And I know lots of people who do have genuine empathy. I am not one of them.

On the subject of "too much empathy" does anyone else have trouble reading fiction for just that reason? Intellectually I understand perfectly well that it's "just a story" but I can't seem to get the kind of "distance" that allows me to enjoy things that would outrage and horrify me in real life. Whenever I see a review of a new novel that pans it because it's too much about ideas and not enough about people I suspect I've found a treasure.

Blasé Pascal said it succinctly, “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing of”.

I asked three friends who have Aspergers and autism...What would happen if you ignored your friend?

1. They would have to find another friend.
2. They would lose interest and go away.
3. They would have to do something different as they won’t be meeting me anymore.

All logically correct. However, none described the emotions of their ex-friend. People get very depressed when ignored. It happened to me. I now understand that the person who ignored me was an Aspie, she told me that she was schizoid. Btw, I was so devastated over being ignored I had a nervous breakdown.

I have Asperger’s too and I remember her telling me that she would ignore and abandon friends who pissed her off. I remember not really understanding the repercussions that her actions could cause, I too just saw it as an event, not realising that a few months later I would be ignored. It really affected me badly, as she was the first friend I managed to make. I could not understand why I was ignored. I could not understand her actions because I could not understand her emotions. I now know that she was angry.

What can be touched, measured and weighed is real to the Aspie mind. Emotions are invisible, we don’t know that we should consider them. We use logic, we think and calculate so emotions are lost in the process; people are understood by feelings rather than knowings. And since our logic is flawless but it applied to a problem it is not designed for, we can be unaware that we are unaware of emotions. It just seems that other people are extra confusing, unpredictable and unfair.

If your faced with a person who you don’t understand, ask them to explain how they feel and ask them why their feeling/emotions are affecting them. Don't guess, you have to ask.

What fascinates me, is my past inability to notice people’s emotions, and that I was unaware of my unawareness. Well if your blind you know, but how can you be unaware of an unawareness. Well it took me 3 years of obsessive self-reflection.

Did you ever hear of neglect, it is when a person has a stroke, part of their brain is damaged and they forget about once side of their body. If a doctor touches their paralysed arm, they may say it belongs to someone else. Or, if they are male, they will shave only one side of their face.

My unawareness of emotions was like neglect. A broken brain cannot notice that it is broken, as it is the instrument of his self-awareness. A thermometer cannot know that it is defective, if it only has itself to measure its own temperature.

Neglect on Wikipedia

I don't have a problem with telling how people are feeling, or (usually) why they are feeling that way.
What I have problems with are
1. Showing empathy.

2. Being able to read all that is going on in a situation to work out that what I am about to say or do will upset someone.