Do you have days where you show more traits?

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Good days bad days I guess if you want to call them that. ARGGG! A couple weeks ago I dealt with the phone company to fix our phone line/wifi internet. Well last night while mom was on the phone I decided (Oh I'll turn off the wifi like we always do when we go to bed.) Then it disconnected mom's call. I knew she was on the phone but didn't think of the fixing the phone line issue from about a month ago. I blurted Oh I didn't know it was the phone line and she said DUH! (as if I'm stupid and should remember the phone line fix issue from a few weeks ago.)

Today. I smacked my knee into my fireplace (clumsiness)

Later I asked my sister when we were going out for dinner for her husbands birthday. She said 6pm. Mom asked why I didn't ask her since she knew my sister made reservations so common sense mom would already know the time.

I didn't think to ask mom I went through my sister since it IS her husbands birthday.

AHHH! Annoying having more traits some days than others. Anyone else feel this way????

So confusing some days!

Yes.

There have been days when I had to call in sick because I could not negotiate the morning routines well enough to begin going to the office. I really don't understand why this happens, but there is significant day to day variation in how functional I am.

Yes, this is me, and I particularly relate to Adamantium's mention of some days not navigating through just the morning preparations to get out to work. I have absolutely had that happen to me some days, and I've had to either call in sick because I knew I was going to be so catastrophically late that there was no explaining that, or call to say I'd be later than usual (if things were not too far behind).

I'm not sure what makes for a better or worse functioning day, although I'd be willing to bet it seems to be related to how much stress or how little sleep I've had chronically, and also I have a suspicion about poor versus better nutrition. When I'm eating crap long term I do think my brain and body just aren't getting what they need even if I were NT, as nobody functions at their best when seriously not eating right long term, spectrum or not.

For me I think stress is the number 1 factor though. If a lot of stressful things have been happening that I've had little control over, my traits go way up on the scale. If things have been manageable and calm in my life, I'm calmer and I notice milder impairments. I think accumulative stress is a huge agitator of challenges that may at other times be more manageable.

Yes

I can't map them out so precisely. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

There are days I can think in detail, others where I'm more apt to drift off looking at what I might think of.

Most days I have difficulty understanding "official" forms.

And some days where I am agitated. And if it's enough, I have trouble finding words to speak.

Sure, you have your good days and bad days and honestly it varies from situation to situation thru out the day. Stress and anxiety definitely seem like the biggest factors but little things can set me off as well.

Sure. I think our condition fluctuates.

I have been sort of stressed over finding a job this past week. I also noticed with less sleep I'm more symptom/trait based and make social errors which my parents don't like. If I don't get enough sleep I'm in a fog the following day and can barely function socially. It's very dangerous since socially I'm so shut down I don't notice a car in the road when I am in such a fog everything is a blur and confusing to me.

Sometimes I am convinced my autism diagnosis is incorrect. Then reality slaps me in the face when something triggers a massive crying meltdown. Sometimes I feel stupid and at other times highly intelligent. Sometimes I feel euphoric, sometimes deadly depressed. Sometimes I know who I am, often I feel disconnected.

There was a lot of stress cumulating in my life for past a few weeks. Hard project at school, a fight with friend, huge change in school (we have lessons in different city now, in middle of nowhere - I have to rely on my classmates to get out of there because I not even know which bus I should take), tutoring cousin so he passes an important exam, visiting a psychiatrist that seemed to ignore my problems, visiting job center, fight with mom, fight with dad, changes in daily routine, huge traffic jam, observing mom being unfair to other drivers, feeling cold, visiting a new shop...

I was dealing with it the best I could. Some days were better some worse(more of the worse days though). But yesterday evening I finally got knocked out.

It was too much. I was sad and anxious because today I was supposed to go to the new school at an early hour (7:40) and my mom told me to stop complaining because I am causing her an headache. I couldn't stand it anymore. I shut down. I was unable to speak (not even "yes","no","I don't know" which I am capable of during my normal shutdowns... I regained ability to just NOD after an hour).

It lasted till today. Till the todays evening I was totally nonverbal (I managed to keep only the ability to nod and shrug as an answer for "yes/no" questions), eye contact with me was nearly nonexistant (except a blank stare when I was trying to say: "Leave me alone, your question is bothering me" which I couldn't communicate by nodding or shrugging) and I had blank face expression.

I skipped school without even knowing I did. I couldn't even get out of bed till 4PM... And even then I was just sitting with my eyes closed, listening to sounds around and not knowing much from them. I shrugged ("I don't know/I don't care") when my mom asked me if I want to go to grandma with her but I followed her when she said "We are going there in 30 mins, get ready". I had no idea what to do with myself anyway and I could stare blindly in the space anywhere, my house or grandma house - no difference.

I started expressing something again about 7PM - I was still nonverbal but I could point at things my family members couldn't find or figure out. About a hour later I regained my ability to speak when mom and grandpa started arguing - a part of fence wasn't standing straight and dad was trying to explain it to mom but mom couldn't understand what grandpa is talking about because he seems to be extreme visual thinker while she is not so she was saying everything is fine. I couldn't stand how stupid mom sounded by arguing against something so obvious so I tried to explain it to her. Nonverbally at first - I went to the fence and tried to show her the height difference. But since still couldn't get it I forced myself to regain speech.

After that nonverbal episodes were mixing with verbal ones and I started stimming (during the extreme shutdown I couldn't even do this). It probably helped because I feel a bit better now. I am still tired, stressed and I worry about my future but at least I am no longer a "human vegetable" that I was in the morning.

I guess thats what you call an autistic burnout. I hope I get better soon because I don't feel I can survive much longer if my life stays as it was for past a few weeks... The stress is literally killing me (I had suicide thoughts 3 days ago).

What do you experience during shutdowns Kiriae? What does it feel like, what are your senses doing, etc? If you don't mind sharing.


Yes, I have bad and good days. I have an autoimmune disorder. It's par for the course. It affects my mind greatly.

During shutdowns I feel mentally tired, my body feels like a robot. I control it and I am still inside it but only a few connections between it and my mind are present. I still hear/feel the sensory inputs but my mind cannot fully process them. I need a lot of focus to understand anything. If I don't force myself all the input just goes through me. Visual input seems like fog, all sounds sound like waves of a sea - not literally, but my mind pays just as much attention to them as if they were. I still have the ability to hear speech but answering gets troublesome since I need to focus on what I hear and intentionally decide "it is speech so it is something important".

I know how to use my muscles to get out sounds but it's hard enough to get an answer in my mind (memory and decision making doesn't work unless I focus really hard) and my attention span is really short so I really don't feel like contentiously moving my mouth. Therefore during normal shutdowns I just stick to "Yes", "No", "I don't know" which seem to use predefined commands my "robotic" body. I send the signal(feeling): "Positive" and my body says "Yes", "Negative" - body says "No", "Complicated/Confusing/Overwhelming" - body says "I don't know.".

I don't have to control every sound my body makes when I mean conscious control of muscles responsible for speech. I just have to "turn on" the muscles by forcing them to say first word. When they are active - I speak normally till the "session"(a single answer) finishes. But they "go to sleep" again as soon as I switch attention from speaking to listening and I have to intentionally "wake them up" every time I want to say something that my body doesn't have "predefined". It requires too much of my limited focus.

Yesterday/Today I couldn't reach the predefined commands though. All speaking, even "Yes", "No", "I don't know" required my conscious decision of moving body muscles responsible for speech just as it does when I try to say full sentences during normal shutdowns. And since I was forced to consciously use muscles anyway nodding and shrugging was easier because I am used to controlling those muscles intentionally. Conscious control of speech muscles doesn't feel natural.

Good days and bad days are a near universal human condition. Some days people feel more sluggish then others. A person recovering from surgery will have days where they feel they are moving foreword then next day feel they took "2 steps back". As Autism is a part of who we are on a good day we might feel our Autism is a difference on a bad day a disability.

Some days, I loose my ability to speak clearly. Things come out garbled. I use words that sound similar to the word that would have meaning in a sentence. It takes all of my focus to have a simple small-talk conversation.

I've thought that this is due to impending migraine. However, I don't know for sure. Its not a clear pattern. Not sleeping well is sure to bring it on.

As for having clumsy days, and days where I'm more introverted; my perception is that this is very normal. Everyone has a lousy day from time to time.

Most days are decently good, but I do have some bad days when my brain is just misfiring at every turn. I am more clumsy, can't put two words together in an intelligible sentence, have more sensory issues, have more problems keeping track of stuff.

Stress is usually what triggers it most, but an extended lack of sleep can also do me in.

The biggest problem for me is that these days can have a "domino effect" in my life. If I have a really bad "Aspie day", I can really screw something up in my schedule (like write something on the calendar wrong) or forget to do something important, and I might not know for a few weeks that I messed it up.

If I am having an off day, I need to try and halt it before it starts tumbling into more and more mishaps. That often means limiting the amount I do that day.

How are you feeling today, Kiriea? Its intesting to me to hear you describe a shut down. It shows up differently with me, but in some ways, its the same. I remember being young and stressed and literally could not speak at all. Then the grown-ups would think that I was just being defiant. Its so sucky that my worst symptoms come out when I need to be the most functional - like when things get hard, I actually shut down instead of step up.

I'm better. Thanks.
A bit bored though. Recent weeks made me lose my interests (other than anime, but it has a specific time in my daily routine which isn't "now") so I am looking for something new. Perhaps I will return to one of my old games. But I am worried because if I do they will take 10h of my every day again and I will have no time for the changes I am supposed to do.

I am thinking of starting the changes but I am anxious and I feel I am just not fit for them: I was considering going out and visiting various workplaces to see how day of work there looks like and decide what kind of work would be right for me but the idea seems overwhelming. I worry I will break again if I force myself to do this.

But I don't even know what kind of workplaces are in my area and I cannot just enter the jobmarket without any knowledge of what kind of job I would be good at. I already made such mistake by studying accounting for 3,5 years just to find out after graduating that I am not fit to do it because actual accouter has to be in tune with constantly changing accounting laws(I don't understand law language) and doesn't just repeatably work with numbers day by day.

I have to force myself to have a future. And forcing breaks me. I'm in clash.