I've Been Single My Whole Life and Cannot Accept That

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JohnnyLurg
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16 Aug 2016, 11:18 pm

I've been single my entire life and feel that I cannot love myself until I enter a relationship. For many years from middle school to high school and even in college, I was bullied for being single by popular neurotypicals who were in relationships, so I continue to view myself as a "loser" for not achieving what they bullied me for all those years ago regardless of the fact that I have earned a college degree and have achieved other things like having a novel published. How can I learn to accept that being single does not equate to being a loser?



JakeASD
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17 Aug 2016, 3:57 am

Go at your own pace and try not to care about others' opinions of you. If they deride you for being different, I am of the view that their perceptions of you are insignificant. We all develop at different rates, and I am sure you will find someone when you are ready.


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17 Aug 2016, 10:46 pm

I personally don't want to be in a relationship or have kids. My long term plans include me being single...

I would advise hanging with your brother if you have one. Maybe he can be you wing-man and guide you?



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18 Aug 2016, 3:41 pm

I would have questioned the hetero-ness of these neurotypicals who were so interested in your relationship status. Who thinks about that kind of thing, number one. Number two, there are far more entertaining things to bully people about, if you're going to do that.

I agree with the brother wingman idea.

You just need to get out there and observe more ladies in the wild. They aren't anything special. A lot of them are sitting there awkwardly, wondering if they look fat sitting down. Or if their makeup is still on. Another breed will be waiting for someone to talk to them about something interesting, instead of making a sad attempt to tackle them like a lion on a gazelle. Other people will be checking their phone to see if someone else looks better than them or if some guy they might kind of like has noticed them. All just regular people like you, me, or anyone else.

You'll find the right girl for you with some time and patience.



DataB4
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18 Aug 2016, 7:19 pm

FWIW, I have an awesome friend. He's totally NT, no disorders, and he's also visually impaired. He's in his late 30s and has never been in a relationship. This is ironic because he's normally outgoing and socially able, though he is more shy about showing interest in girls. He's most definitely not a loser.



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18 Aug 2016, 9:39 pm

Have you discovered Captain Awkward? She discusses dating for the chronically awkward. Its really funny, and great advice.

https://captainawkward.com/2012/07/12/2 ... ve-primer/

I know its hard, but try not to let your sex life get you down too much. There is so much that is valuble outside of sex and romance. I think its really over-emphasized. Hollywood would have us believe that its the only way to be happy. Yes, I wish I had a date, but I have other things that are good in my life. And I'm guessing you do, too.



Foxprospeak
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19 Aug 2016, 3:55 pm

I'm older than you OP, and I don't foresee myself dating anyone.

I don't see myself connecting with anyone, much less starting a relationship.

I would be fine going the rest of my life not dating. I feel it would be difficult to get someone to understand me, much less want to spend their life with me.



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19 Aug 2016, 4:12 pm

For me I just see it as a way to move forward in life, but in my case I choose not to be in a relationship but also not have children either. As someone said, we all develop in different ways or lengths of time, some people let their hormones go wild and later regret it or choose to stay with it. Its surprising how many people are getting married so young at the age of 21+, those people are mostly youtubers and celebrities who've managed to rack up alot of earnings in a short time. Other reasons might be you aren't coping well financially or need company.

I haven't felt what love feels like, i've not had an experience of feeling love at first sight - however the saying goes, although I have had attachments to fictional characters from things like gaming, TV and movies, but who doesn't?. But i suppose unconditional love is prevalent in everyone.

All in all, I accept that I will and intend to be single my whole life.



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19 Aug 2016, 5:32 pm

I think life without love is utterly worthless. I ask that if being single is so great, why do the vast majority of people wind up in relationships? If it's so great, why don't happily married people break up, just to prove that being single is good?

Clearly a good relationship is the single most rewarding and fulfilling thing in life; everything else pales in comparison. The idea that somebody should be content living their whole life alone is rubbish.



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19 Aug 2016, 5:45 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
I think life without love is utterly worthless. I ask that if being single is so great, why do the vast majority of people wind up in relationships? If it's so great, why don't happily married people break up, just to prove that being single is good?

Clearly a good relationship is the single most rewarding and fulfilling thing in life; everything else pales in comparison. The idea that somebody should be content living their whole life alone is rubbish.


It's not suitable for everyone, but there are definitely a good chunk of people out there who spend much of their time alone and manage to be OK. The company of other humans is not like oxygen, we will not wither without it as long as we can be good company to ourselves. If you enjoy what you do (whether we're talking about your job or your hobbies or whatever it is that you do every day) and you have a rich inner landscape and a healthy imagination, being alone is not a trial. I find ways to keep myself entertained, and I try to be good company to myself (not beat myself up mentally, practice being kind and thoughtful towards myself like I want other people to be towards me) so when I am alone I am sufficient. I don't need my life to be witnessed up close by another person for it to be any more real to me, I do not exist to any lesser extent just because someone else is not there to see my existence.


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Sabreclaw
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19 Aug 2016, 5:51 pm

wilburforce wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
I think life without love is utterly worthless. I ask that if being single is so great, why do the vast majority of people wind up in relationships? If it's so great, why don't happily married people break up, just to prove that being single is good?

Clearly a good relationship is the single most rewarding and fulfilling thing in life; everything else pales in comparison. The idea that somebody should be content living their whole life alone is rubbish.


It's not suitable for everyone, but there are definitely a good chunk of people out there who spend much of their time alone and manage to be OK. The company of other humans is not like oxygen, we will not wither without it as long as we can be good company to ourselves. If you enjoy what you do (whether we're talking about your job or your hobbies or whatever it is that you do every day) and you have a rich inner landscape and a healthy imagination, being alone is not a trial. I find ways to keep myself entertained, and I try to be good company to myself (not beat myself up mentally, practice being kind and thoughtful towards myself like I want other people to be towards me) so when I am alone I am sufficient. I don't need my life to be witnessed up close by another person for it to be any more real to me, I do not exist to any lesser extent just because someone else is not there to see my existence.


Are you comfortable knowing your whole life is basically worth nothing to anybody of importance? It's hard seeing people so happy with each other, that truly care about each other, while being worthless yourself. You could cure cancer and it'd still mean nothing since nobody cares about you as a person. Maybe you're comfortable with it, but I don't believe that living alone is the right way to live. It's too empty. And it's amplified by seeing just how many people out there literally cannot even fathom being alone.



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19 Aug 2016, 6:11 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
I think life without love is utterly worthless. I ask that if being single is so great, why do the vast majority of people wind up in relationships? If it's so great, why don't happily married people break up, just to prove that being single is good?

Clearly a good relationship is the single most rewarding and fulfilling thing in life; everything else pales in comparison. The idea that somebody should be content living their whole life alone is rubbish.


This is joke, yes? Cute, but a wee bit too subtle. Its like an onion article that you almost believe for a minute.



somanyspoons
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19 Aug 2016, 6:18 pm

I am 41 years old. I am single. My life matters so much. Its hard to admit this, because frankly, I would like the sex involved in being in a relationship; but being single provides me with the time and energy I need to really focus on my career. I work with people as they heal. I'm a chiropractor who works on a sliding scale, so I see people who wouldn't be able to afford alternative health services without my clinic.

I know for a fact that my life has mattered. I've sent ripples into the world. People who feel better when they leave my office go back to work, or back to their families, and they are able to be better to everyone around them. Being single means that I have more social energy to give to my patients.

This is just one example of the value of living a single life. Life is so good. Sex and relationships is just one way it can be good. There are so many good things in this world. Nobody can possibly experience them all. While I sometimes wish that my life were different, posts like the one given a few above remind me that I have it pretty good. I'm not all wrapped up in what I don't have. I'm also enjoying what I do have.



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19 Aug 2016, 6:25 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
I am 41 years old. I am single. My life matters so much. Its hard to admit this, because frankly, I would like the sex involved in being in a relationship; but being single provides me with the time and energy I need to really focus on my career. I work with people as they heal. I'm a chiropractor who works on a sliding scale, so I see people who wouldn't be able to afford alternative health services without my clinic.

I know for a fact that my life has mattered. I've sent ripples into the world. People who feel better when they leave my office go back to work, or back to their families, and they are able to be better to everyone around them. Being single means that I have more social energy to give to my patients.

This is just one example of the value of living a single life. Life is so good. Sex and relationships is just one way it can be good. There are so many good things in this world. Nobody can possibly experience them all. While I sometimes wish that my life were different, posts like the one given a few above remind me that I have it pretty good. I'm not all wrapped up in what I don't have. I'm also enjoying what I do have.


You can do all that while being in a relationship though. Except in a relationship you actually matter as a person instead of simply being a tool that people get what they want from and then move on.

Plus, sexual gratification would be nice, but I expect that I'd have to be a little less grotesque to make people think that's a good idea. Being cared for would be nice enough at this point.



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19 Aug 2016, 6:26 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
I think life without love is utterly worthless. I ask that if being single is so great, why do the vast majority of people wind up in relationships? If it's so great, why don't happily married people break up, just to prove that being single is good?

Clearly a good relationship is the single most rewarding and fulfilling thing in life; everything else pales in comparison. The idea that somebody should be content living their whole life alone is rubbish.


It's not suitable for everyone, but there are definitely a good chunk of people out there who spend much of their time alone and manage to be OK. The company of other humans is not like oxygen, we will not wither without it as long as we can be good company to ourselves. If you enjoy what you do (whether we're talking about your job or your hobbies or whatever it is that you do every day) and you have a rich inner landscape and a healthy imagination, being alone is not a trial. I find ways to keep myself entertained, and I try to be good company to myself (not beat myself up mentally, practice being kind and thoughtful towards myself like I want other people to be towards me) so when I am alone I am sufficient. I don't need my life to be witnessed up close by another person for it to be any more real to me, I do not exist to any lesser extent just because someone else is not there to see my existence.


Are you comfortable knowing your whole life is basically worth nothing to anybody of importance? It's hard seeing people so happy with each other, that truly care about each other, while being worthless yourself. You could cure cancer and it'd still mean nothing since nobody cares about you as a person. Maybe you're comfortable with it, but I don't believe that living alone is the right way to live. It's too empty. And it's amplified by seeing just how many people out there literally cannot even fathom being alone.


Yes, I am comfortable with that. If you feel you are worthless alone then you are going to feel worthless with anyone who is in your company. If you cured cancer and you didn't feel any sense of achievement for that until someone else confirmed that it's OK because they approve, then you have an issue with self-esteem, not with being alone. Finding another person to share your time will not fix that self-esteem problem--if anything, getting into a relationship when you don't value yourself will just make things worse because you will think you are not good enough for that other person and will probably do all kinds of things subconsciously to sabotage the relationship. Other people can't provide a sense of worth to you, that is not their job or their place--that is something you have to learn to give yourself.


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"Ego non immanis, sed mea immanis telum." ~ Ares, God of War

(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)


wilburforce
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19 Aug 2016, 6:32 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
I am 41 years old. I am single. My life matters so much. Its hard to admit this, because frankly, I would like the sex involved in being in a relationship; but being single provides me with the time and energy I need to really focus on my career. I work with people as they heal. I'm a chiropractor who works on a sliding scale, so I see people who wouldn't be able to afford alternative health services without my clinic.

I know for a fact that my life has mattered. I've sent ripples into the world. People who feel better when they leave my office go back to work, or back to their families, and they are able to be better to everyone around them. Being single means that I have more social energy to give to my patients.

This is just one example of the value of living a single life. Life is so good. Sex and relationships is just one way it can be good. There are so many good things in this world. Nobody can possibly experience them all. While I sometimes wish that my life were different, posts like the one given a few above remind me that I have it pretty good. I'm not all wrapped up in what I don't have. I'm also enjoying what I do have.


Yes! There are so many ways one can contribute to one's community and do things that make you feel good about yourself that don't rely on having a GF/BF. I have no family in the traditional sense but I don't sit around dwelling on that or thinking that the world owes me a family because everyone else gets one and all the comfort and shared holidays and birthday cards and all the stuff that goes along with having a family and I don't and that's not fair. I have a best friend and cats who love me and depend on me--this is my family, and it is what I make of it. I learned that I could sit around stewing in all the loss I've accrued or I could instead spend my time being grateful for what I do have. I have a roof over my head, I have clothes and food. I have a person I can talk to when I feel like talking to someone, and I have fur babies who love cuddles. I have books to read and movies to watch and my favourite musicians to listen to. I have hobbies that I enjoy and I have a quiet peaceful home. I could go on but the point is it's all about perspective--I choose to focus on and think about what I have, not what I might be missing out on.


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"Ego non immanis, sed mea immanis telum." ~ Ares, God of War

(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)