Split sense of self

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Is it normal for an aspie to have like a series of characters they play for a while and not have a secure sense of who they are?

That's how I am. That's how I know I'm not trans deep down, I just feel like a guy character right now. Five years ago, it was a different character, ten years before that it was another different one. When I was a kid, it was a boy character.

But they're just characters that I embody a lot.

Is this normal for aspies/aspie women? Or is it a sign something's 'up' beyond just being aspie? Or is it normal? I can't believe it's normal when it feels so weird and nobody else seems to do it.

I would read about both "masking" within autism/asperger's and dissociative disorders...? Those are the two things that came to mind. But I'm not at all a professional.

I will say that for me "masking" has been more creating versions of myself than a completely separate character...so same gender, ethnicity, etc, but I will behave as more outgoing or assertive than my true personality, etc. So my actions may not be true to my personality or desires, but I'm not acting like a separate person.

I do find it helpful at times to take on some male communication patterns, such as when I need to be taken more seriously at the office. But I don't feel as if I am becoming male...just stealing some of their sentence structures, vocab, and body language for a bit to get my point across in a male-dominated meeting.

See, that makes me feel like I'm trans because I make way more effort to act feminine and when I'm being myself, I'm masculine. Like I put on an Essex girl/valley girl act and really work at making a character of it. Whereas now, I just have my hair cut and the right clothes on (menswear) and act like myself.

I think I'm just butch though and society doesn't show us a lot of images of butch bi/straight women.

When I was 7-10, I used a boy name and wore boys' clothes and my friend called me a boy (as a neutral thing or maybe as a justification for hanging about with me when it wasn't cool to play with girls). I was an extreme tomboy right until I moved town at 14. Then I started getting bullied just for being middle class so anything else that was different about myself, I hid.

When I was 17-19 I went to a different school, called myself lesbian like I'm doing now (I'm bi and need to stop doing that because some women don't get attractions to men but I find it hard to set boundaries with men) and dressed like a stereotypical butch woman.

Then I went to uni and tried to look professional in trousers and cardigans. This really was masking. I did the same for job interviews. This was looking like everyone around me.

My MA I was having a flirtation with an Essex boy, so I went hyper feminine and stupid acting. I was annoying. It was definitely a character, like an Essex girl character like someone from Towie. Or for Americans, like a Valley girl.

I had a breakdown and just wore football clothes for the 5 years nobody saw me.

Now I've moved again and I'm hyper excited to wear menswear. And people call me he. And I don't mind. I just mind when they stare if they hear my voice or my name or pronouns.

These all feel like distinct people except person I am now and person I was at 7-13. I have more of a memory of being 10 than I do of being 23. Because I didn't feel like the same person at 23.

Nothing happened to me when I was 7. I just watched Famous Five and copied George. The only stress involved in any of these changes is the breakdown one where I wore football clothes cos I was inside the whole time and the posh girl one I did at 14 because I was being bullied so I decided to play the 'character' of the middle class girl so I could be 'superior' to my surroundings. I wonder if I did that as a protection from being bullied for other things which were more important to me?

It sounds like you just prefer to dress in a way that is more traditionally masculine. Honestly, I prefer that sometimes. Their clothing is usually more practical!

There are some clothing brands now that design menswear clothing that is tailored for the female body. You may want to look into that, since I've heard they fit better but still have the look and practicality of men's styles. I can't remember names right now, but I'm sure Google could come up with some.

I think dissociative would only apply if you feel like you have multiple different people inside you that take turns. So it sounds like you just mask when you dress and behave in a more feminine manner.

You could also investigate some "happy medium" styles that aren't hyper-feminine...like a pant (trouser?) suit made for a woman, palazzo trousers (a feminine style of very flowy/baggy trousers). Maybe just investigate if you are truly drawn to masculine dress because you find that persona more natural, or if it is because those clothes are more comfortable and practical. Might be worth an experiment so you don't feel the need to dress in a fake-feeling dressy dress if you want to give off a hetero vibe.

Honestly I don't want to look more het. I want to be single for now and if I had to choose I'd have a girlfriend.

It's just the lgbt community always asks pronouns and I don't care what my pronouns are. But that seems to be the modern obsession. I'm not transphobic at all but this pressure to always say the pronouns is annoying and there seems to be an assumption that every stone butch out there wants to be a man instead of just wanting to emulate our foremothers like Ann Lister.

So there comes a risk just like with straight society that women will look at me and see a man. But not for the same reasons. Because a lot of the butches are going about calling themselves non binary and a lot of the camp men are going around doing the same. Instead of saying 'I'm just very stereotypically gay'.

I think I'll just blow their modern day minds and say I don't care. Because I don't, so long as they see a strong masculine person.

Possibly ontological insecurity.
Possibly a dissociative disorder. <shrug>

Uh huh.

So glad I don't live in Maryland/'Merica.

Closest to this sort of bigotry we have over here is terfs from mumsnet.

For me, my sense of self comes from accomplishment or at least improvement. When I'm not doing something, or am experiencing what I perceive to be a regression, I don't like myself very much.

I identify as a woman 100 percent and dress that way, except on Fridays and on Saturdays, when I'm on the tennis court and wear a warmup suit, but that's in a feminine style, too. My favorite tennis players are all men, however. They have traits I want to emulate: excellence, tenacity and triumph over adversity. Istomin is the embodiment of that triumph for me.

See that's another problem I have. When I achieve something like with my writing, I don't internalise it enough.

That is a very female problem (imposter syndrome).

This isn't even just about gender, it's about having different characters. My self at 22 was significantly different to myself at 19 and both were feminine but 19 self was mousy and geeky and 22 wasn't.

Imposter syndrome isn't restricted to women. I think it could happen to anyone who is significantly behind in certain areas of life and finds themselves among people who have actually done something with their lives and experienced relationships, which is more crucial than academic achievement.

I'm kinda butch too (except for my hair, which is very long). Not trans, because I have no desire to change my body to become male.


I remember wanting to be a boy, and using a boy name, back when I was around 5 years old. Eventually I stopped wanting to be a boy because I had no interest in sports, although I knew that I couldn't possibly be a typical girl either. I was just a freak who was into neither sports nor dolls.

When I was about 11 years old, I heard about the newly-emerging Women's Liberation movement (as it was then called) and rejoiced that there were women who didn't want to be confined to a traditional gender role. So, from then on, I just thought of myself as a gender-nonconforming girl/woman.

(Unlike many women on the autistic spectrum, I never was much of a heavy-duty masker. Instead, I have usually sought out fellow oddballs of one kind or another.)

That is called masking. Many autistic people end up doing it to the point they don't even know who they are anymore.

@Mona Apart from the sports thing, you sound a lot like me when I'm not masking.

I think I do masking as a survival thing which is weird because I go super rebellious against the place I'm in. But in a way which would be socially acceptable elsewhere, I guess?

@Arganger Ah, so that's what masking is. If this is masking this is a relief because I already know I'm autistic/don't mind that I'm autistic.

I don't think it's that unusual to try out different styles/personas during childhood-young adult years. I remember I went through a Disney princess phase, then a "nothing girly" phase, then a slightly goth phase briefly in middle school, then a "blend into the background" phase in high school, then a girly phase in college...

It's normal to do some experimenting until you figure out what fits you best. Right now, I am all about what's practical and won't be sexualized, so I wear a lot of tshirts, pants, and longer skirts/dresses.

I wouldn't worry about your style unless it makes you uncomfortable or causes you issues in your work or social life. I mentioned the "happy medium" outfit ideas since you mentioned being annoyed at the whole people-asking-you-which-gender-pronouns-to-use thing. If you wear clothing that is tailored and covered up like men's clothing, but made for women and a bit more "feminine" looking, you won't get those questions so much. Or if you do something else that signals "woman" in our culture, like wear red lipstick or eyeshadow or something.

That issue is honestly why I stick to long hair now. I cut it short in high school, and if I wasn't wearing makeup and a girly outfit, people assumed I was a lesbian (my body type didn't allow for any confusion about my biological sex, and the whole "self-identifying" thing hadn't happened yet). Since I was not a lesbian, that annoyed me, so I grew my hair out and just wear it in a bun when I want it away from my neck and face.

Anyway, hope that helps somewhat? But I would consider what exactly is annoying to you right now and whether changes to stop that from happening would be worth it. I wouldn't focus too much on the past, or let other people cause you to question yourself. You don't sound "trans" at all to me...just like someone who prefers fashion and mannerisms that are considered more "masculine" in our culture. Trans would involve wanting to BE a man physically.

Aspects of my personality skew more masculine, too. Honestly, I think the logic-driven nature of many people with ASD is considered a "masculine" NT trait. And alexithymia (difficulty identifying and expressing emotions) is also considered more masculine...but that's just a stereotype/generalization. It doesn't mean I should have a penis just because those traits apply to me. Don't let people put that on you!

Yeah, I only mind it because on twitter for eg everyone has pronouns up. And I find it hard because I genuinely don't care.

I should just say she/her because this feeling I have is just masculinity, it's not wanting to be a man. It's just I'm scared that then they won't realise I'm masculine because everyone around them who is masculine goes by they/them.

I might just say 'she/her, I'm a butch bi woman'.

It feels PC and I suspect a lot of the they/them people are just women like me who are doing it to express masculinity rather than a genuine desire not to be a woman.

That sounds like a good fit for you. It accurately communicates/summarizes what you said here. And also, if you have photos of yourself up, people will be able to tell from your clothing and writing style (and the content you write) a bit more about your personality.