Tips on communicating with AS husband

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Lately I've been feeling very upset about my relationship but I'm not sure what to do. Maybe you can recommend some books for me to read as well. We did try marriage counselling but it seemed to me that that would only work if the therapist understood my husband- ours did not. I've looked around and haven't seen anyone that seems to specialise in the issues that my husband has, and I think they would kind of have to, to understand him.

We do talk to each other and I enjoy talking to him…but our enjoyable conversations are almost always about fictional things. He has a bunch of imaginary worlds that he writes about and he will talk to me about them, bounce ideas off of me, etc.. Also, he likes to talk about stuff he has read, movies we watched, etc.. Occasionally we talk about the news, but nowadays even that is pretty rare- when we do, it is news that doesn't have anything to do with our lives. I tell him about our kids' therapy, school, meetings, and stuff but he tends to just listen and not say much (he doesn't go to those things). If I try to talk about something serious pertaining to the two of us, he normally gets upset and tries to say things to get me to stop talking about it (e.g. "I'm sorry, I'll try to change that"- but nothing ever actually changes). The real world seems to depress him, so he'd rather not talk about it.

The other day, I was really upset by his behaviour (lack of help with our family/kids) and I cried and tried to get him to talk to me, and he just got upset too and drowned me trying to explain the problem with "I'm sorry, please forgive me, I'll try harder, forgive me, don't leave…" It was kind of ridiculous. But that's what always happens when I try to talk to him about stuff like this. He just wants me to say "Alright, I forgive you, it's fine". But the problem is, it's NOT fine. It's not about forgiveness either- I do "forgive" him- but I NEED HELP. I feel like he doesn't listen to me, and he certainly doesn't help me. I feel like I am a single parent and sometimes I feel like I have THREE kids instead of TWO!! !

I'm not sure if he can help me or not. A lot of the stuff he doesn't do is because of anxiety. He won't go to the grocery store, or to the school, or to our kids' therapy or doctor, etc. all due to anxiety. I believe that he wants to. I do understand that it's hard for him (although I've never experienced it, I can imagine). I think maybe he doesn't have the tools to fix it (neither do I) and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it, because I'm pretty sure he knows intellectually what he needs to do. I wish I knew how to help him with that.

Normally I don't bother trying to talk about anything, but eventually it gets to be too much and I have a little emotional outburst and yell at him or tell him off for not helping me. I can really upset him. I can make him feel terrible about himself. This is the hard thing. I feel like our problem is different than the most common one that sort of sounds like this (I've googled this problem before, lol), because he DOES care. I believe that it does really upset him that I'm upset. Since I don't want to upset him, I try to avoid ever talking to him about myself being upset. But I'm in a position right now, where I REALLY NEED a partner who supports me and helps me. I don't know what to do. I wish there was some kind of manual or something on how to converse with him and make a change.

Thoughts? Books? Websites? Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

What about medication for his anxiety?

I'm thinking: Do you have an autism society in your area? I think that would be a good start. Maybe the autism society could refer you to a therapist who specializes in Asperger's/HFA.

I'm thinking that if anxiety is the reason, then that's what needs to be dealt with. I don't know the best solution, but maybe trying to work directly with the problem, similarly to how people with phobias get over theirs?

For instance, maybe you both could go to doctor's appointments and the other things. That way he'd be there too but not alone with it, and then build up the confidence to deal with things there while you're there too.
I don't know if it would work, but it might?

It would take time though, even if it works.
And probably not push too much too quickly or too often.

Maybe anxiety drugs could help him, but it would be better if behavioral therapy could help him feel comfortable enough in those situations that he can deal with them.

I haven't read this myself yet, just peered inside on amazon, but this book looks pretty good: Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety: A Guide to Successful Stress Management by Nick Dubin.
I've just ordered it myself.

I would say, in this instance, that it's more than just simple anxiety.

If he were simply anxious, I believe he would feel dread at doing something like answering the phone--but he would know that he must answer the phone, because it has to do with his kids.

The Asperger's is playing a rather monumental role in this, I believe. In my opinion, the therapist, if possible, should have a decent knowledge of Asperger's (Autism Spectrum Disorder per DSM V).

I would try to get help for his anxiety first and give that a good try and see if he can cope better with real life. I missed a lot of my children's school stuff due to my extraordinary levels of anxiety, and I wish I had realized this and taken Xanax much sooner. If he's begging you not to leave him, I think his anxiety must be consuming him. In this case communicating with him differently is not going to help, as he is literally incapable of doing what you're asking due to overwhelming feelings of panic and doom. Perhaps he really understands that he needs to change but has no tools to effect the change.

After taking a Xanax 0.5 mg I'm able to go do things that I couldn't do before without running away in terror. Your family doctor can help with this, and if he needs a further referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in Autism the family doctor should be able to help with that too. If he was willing to join this forum and talk to others who understood about his feelings, that might be helpful for both of you also.

Since he says he wants to help, what if you show him a list of 5-6 things, at least one at home, and ask him to choose one to help you feel less stressed? Then shower him with appreciation if he follows through?

I agree with Waterfall.

I should have mentioned this: provide "positive reinforcement" when he succeeds.

But he should know that it's not cool to not be a good dad. Don't put it quite like that, though.

But try to make sure he answers the "caller ID."

He has to get out of his rut; it gets harder and harder the more he defers changing himself.

I would say don't let him get away with misdirecting the problem(s) with all this "please forgive me" stuff. If you have the energy, keep bringing the debate back to the real issue, i.e. that you want him to help you with looking after family things. Reassure him by all means, but don't let him off the hook in the process.

Also, it might help to try asking him to perform clear, specific tasks, if you're not already doing that. ASDers often have trouble with simply "mucking in" and being generally helpful, because we often just don't see what's wanted in specific terms, we tend to lack the kind of "emotional common sense" that NTs seem to have.

Most of our anxiety is caused by our autism so that is why anxiety is so common and part of it. I think getting our anxiety treated would make it easier for us to deal with things so anxiety isn't so crippling and creating a roadblock.

If he knows what needs to be done, can't bring himself to do it, and already feels awful about it, maybe you should stop expecting him to be different in the future. It will just result in another round of frustration and crying. Could you afford to hire some household help to get things done he can't help you with? Obviously talking about it with him isn't doing the trick, and is damaging your relationship.

I'm thinking:

Maybe you could be with him when he answers the phone for a few times.

I wonder if that would help him obtain the wherewithal to answer the phone if another person is around for "support."

It's really pretty awful--both for you and for him. He must be devastated that he's having trouble being an involved father. I would feel devastated myself.

Thanks for the replies. We don't seem to have a lot of autism stuff for adults here. That book looks good though- thank you, Skilpadde!

He tried an anti-anxiety medication a while ago and he didn't like how he felt on it, and then he didn't want to try anything else for fear of other side effects or of becoming addicted. Basically, he has anxiety about taking anti-anxiety medications... I think he would be benefit from being medicated too, but I can't force him to be.

My husband's anxiety seems to come in waves. It's a bit like a drug addict who relapses- he does pretty well for a while and then he suddenly "relapses" into being a mess (but I'm pretty close to sure he's not on drugs). I don't know if that's typical but that's what seems to happen.

I would like him to come to a kid's meeting or therapy appointment but he hasn't in years. Talking on the phone would be really great. Sometimes he does. One thing we do when he's feeling pretty good is he will phone up a random store and ask for their hours. That way if he stutters a lot and sounds really weird, he'll never see those people anyway so it's not so bad, it's also a very short interaction, and there's nothing riding on it at all. I've noticed that he has become more confident with that particular exercise over time. Maybe it can be expanded.

I will try to be more specific about what I'd like him to do. Often I do hope he'll just help in some way, rather than specifically ask for something. And yes show my appreciation!

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My suggestion is that instead of trying to speak directly to your husband about the problems you are experiencing, write them in a letter and give it to him. My husband tends to get overwhelmed and defensive when I approach him with things that he finds hard to hear. But, if he can read it on his own terms, alone and take time to process it, it helps it all to sink in and he can think about it and think about how to respond. Just write whatever you want to say in a non emotional way, without attacking him. Like "here's the issue" "this is what I think will help", etc. Reassure him that you care about him, but that these ongoing problems need to be addressed.