How do you know that you're "friends" with someone?

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I've never been good at recognizing that I'm finally "friends" with someone. I've actually upset people who've considered me one because I couldn't tell that we were friends yet. I have just learned to not assume because that's also upset people before, so I don't just consider people my friend until they somehow explicitly tell me we are. I can even go months while talking to someone relatively often and still not "get" that we're not really acquaintances anymore. I often have to ask them and people either find that amusing or insulting/weird.

How do you personally figure out that you're "friends" with someone?

First: If you don't get very many replies to this post, I would suggest that you ask the mods to move this thread to the "Social Skills and Making Friends" section, where it will stay on the front page longer and be seen by more people with an interest in discussing the specific topic of friendship.

As for how to recognize when you are "friends" with someone, that's a tough question, because different people have different ideas on what a "friend" is.

So I would suggest that you work out your own concept of what friendship is. Doing that may make it easier to recognize when "friendship" (however you end up defining it) has been attained.

Thats a difficult one.

Something that I dont think about too often as I dont consider myself to have (or want) many friends.

Normally if a person goes out their way to chat to you about themselves or ask things about you, and give off the "hey, come with me/talk to me" expression without being creeped out by your desire to interact with them, then that means you're their friend.

I'm good at knowing that someone is my friend or wants to be my friend, but it's just getting to that point which is the hardest, because I find it difficult to stay between not being too intrusive but not being too aloof. If I stay on that "line" I can probably make friends. But staying on that line can be difficult.

You never really know. I've had so-called friends stab me in the back after many years of what I believed to be friendship. Make acquaintances, keep people at arms length, trust no-one!

Sometimes people who have an interest do not express an interest, and those I'm just going to miss.

The reverse almost never happens. That is, people don't generally express an interest where there is none. Until the last year. It amounts to teasing, even if that's not what's intended. It has been quite disruptive, as things I don't understand occupy more of my attention than I should allow.

A definition of friendship I came up with a long time ago is supposed to help me in cases where I can't otherwise figure it out: A friend is someone who enjoys your company enough to occasionally seek it.

But then, does a very infrequent, though undivided attention type of get together count, when at all other times there is no effort beyond marginally engaging in text exchanges? Does a friendship really exist where there isn't even curiosity? When major life events happen that aren't shared? When there is sharing and meaningful contact with other people, but not with me? A desire to talk on the phone with other people but not with me?

I don't want to be the source of someone else's trauma, and I don't want to discard relationships that other people consider friendship even if I don't, but the last year has really tried my patience.