Do I have autism? Or is it something else?

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I apologize if this is the wrong place to do this or if it is against some rule.


Anyway, I read about autism a year ago and it has been bugging me ever since, I used to think autism was nothing but rocking back and forth and acting like you didn't know if there were people around but apparently this isn't the only way it can manifest itself.

So I went to a psychologist just to ask this question, she made an interview then began treating me in therapy, something I've done all my life, but whenever I asked her about my original question, specially after sharing much of my life and my behaviors she would not give me a straight answer, instead she'd ask stuff like "What's the point in knowing?" or "What would you do with this kind of diagnosis?", so I ended up stopping.

Anyway I'll try to make this brief, I don't know if much of this is even relevant to the question but I'll try to remember everything that's rather odd about me.

First of all, my life style, it's unique in comparison with pretty much every person I ever met or heard of.
I'm 28 years old, I did nothing for a very long time, I've "finished" a game development university recently but I still have got to deliver the final project-thing or whatever it's called in english.

I do not go out, period, under any circumstances, if my lights burn out I may wait for every single one to die before I finally decide to go somewhere to buy more of them, that is, if the place I have to get to is somewhere between my home and wherever I have no choice but to go, such as uni. While I'm not studying there's no scenario in which I'd go out and I'll chose to do anything I can if I can avoid going out. No exaggeration here.

I avoid social situations like parties like a plague too, they are uncomfortable, boring and just generally undesirable, there is no positive reason in my mind to seek such situations and plenty of bad reasons, I'd rather do nothing at home during a blackout than go to any kind of party or family meeting. Before I was 13 or so I used to go out and have no problem doing it.

I had one interest and one interest only for decades, PC games, nothing else is/was relevant to me and even today I spend as many hours as I can on the PC, today I do more than play games, I also read some forums and participate in some online discussions which can take a long time, I recently got a 2nd monitor as well so now, as I play games, I usually find a youtube philosophy show or debate or intellectual vlog and listen to it as I play, sometimes I get funny stuff too but not too often, from time to time (sometimes years) I go on a movie/tv show binge and just watch them nonstop for months till I get tired of watching stuff.

I have f****d up times with no real time to wake up or to sleep but I keep fighting myself to try and "fix" them to sleep at night, when I get sleepy, I basically die standing, I can fall asleep doing anything, in fact when I was drafted into the army I'd sleepwalk to the HQ every day, and yes, I was falling asleep after I was walking. This doesn't happen unless I get really tired.

I'm looking for a job but I know very well I can't just do any job, it's causing some attrition with my mother because I keep telling her I can't do anything that revolves round dealing with people all day, I'd also honestly rather shoot myself literally instead of doing a menial repetitive task all day for the rest of my life. In fact, this was sort of the idea I had as a teenager, grow up and then just die, there was nothing to look forward to in "adult life".

I didn't and I still don't care about money at all, even if I won at the lottery I'd still pick the most practical place to live with the least amount of cleaning required, get the best PC I could afford, the best connection, and just stay home forever.

I can't drive either, I mean I can, I have a licence, but I never got used to the car's space, it feels like the other side of the car looks much, much bigger than it really is, I can't figure out how big the car is and I've almost killed a cyclist 10 years ago, haven't touched a car ever since.

When I was young I used to run around for hours, as many hours as I spend today playing games, sometimes the entire day from 10am till 10pm running around making noises like "woosh" and "pew" which looked very odd for others but for me I wasn't even there, I was living inside my imagination, fighting some galactic war or using magic.

I never crawled either, mother says I used to sit all day, then suddenly I got up and walked.

I can't remember lining up toys or making categories as suggested by some tests, but I do remember being bored all the time as a baby/kid, a feeling of utter unbearable boredom, my earliest memory is a memory of myself lying in bed feeling extremely bored. That was before I got my first video game, ever since it has always been at war at home, I used to get grounded a lot or forbidden to play the video game, it was the only thing I'd care about.

Through my life I have had trouble having more than one very close friend, I'd always have one best friend and we'd live like brothers, practically living at each other's home and the rest of people were more kind of "just the classmates", when a best friend had to move away or something I'd end up naturally finding some one else like that.

I can't stand certain smells, as in, it stops my lungs, I can't even breathe around someone smoking, I can even gag and choke from the slightest smell of cigarettes. Really hate perfumes or even non-neutral soap, I have no problems eating most stuff but I can't handle some "slimy stuff" for some reason like grinded meat or smashed potatoes. I don't think touching is painful for me but I really hate it, don't like kisses either, I don't have many problems with sounds and I don't know if I have sensitivity to light as I don't have another pair of eyes to compare mine to, but ever since I was a kid I'd squint my eyes during the day as much as I could and if the day really is bright it's almost impossible to see things, I don't know if that's how everybody sees.

I can't stand still, if I'm talking to someone I usually have to urge to move back and forth, if it's one on one I'll hold it but in a group I end up doing it.

I don't have the habit of making eye contact, I taught myself to do it and I have to force it every day, except I do a little trick, I look at their mouth or nose instead of their eyes.

I prefer not to say hello to anybody when I meet them for the first time of the day and specially avoid shaking hands, I just say "hey".

I move even when I'm alone, usually walking back and forth in my room or, if there's space, in circles like when I'm at a bus stop waiting for the bus, seems to distract me from the unbearable boredom and it might make it easier to think.

I used to have low empathy and every single school I went to used to say I was "inconvenient", I didn't even know what the word meant back then, i'd get sent to the principal's office every day too for chatting or not paying attention to class at all.

During uni break times I'd seek out the people I knew, people from my class, and only them, I could be alone but being distracted by a group of people I already knew seemed better than dealing with the boredom of waiting for half an hour.

Before this uni which I've "finished" I matriculated in another one, in the first day I was going with my father so that I could know the way as I wasn't used to the big city we moved to, when I saw the mob of students outside I just froze and all I knew is that i didn't want to be there so I walked back, my father said I got pale instantly too. In fact something similar to this made me quit the uni before these 2, every day it was a struggle to get out, I'd "Live" the entire trajectory to the uni, from the wait to the bus to the wait in the bus to the uni to the people in front of the uni, many times per second as I walked towards my home's door until one day I dropped my backpack and gave up, I couldn't get through the door anymore, after that I never went back, I ended up doing therapy for a couple of years to see if it could get better but the best realization I had was that it could never get any better and that I'd have to greatly force myself to do everything outside which is what i still do.

Speaking of social situations, when I was younger I could not be myself when I was with more than one people, I'd act like an idiot, never, ever saying anything seriously, always making jokes, always trying to be funny, which greatly pissed off most of the other kids, I literally couldn't say a single serious word, to the point that whenever a single person got alone with me they'd get surprised and ask why I couldn't act normal like that every day, back at home I'd act in a more natural way which, after I've aged, turned into unexcited tones and a lot of "hmmm" noises to show that I heard what people said, today I learnt how to be social in a rational way, I've watched and copied gestures, everything I do is conscious, when I blink, when I squint my eyes, when I make a face that makes it look like I'm thinking, when I smile, the hand gestures, the body language, nearly everything, I've watched other people acting naturally in several situations and I've copied them, I even know where most of the gestures came from, interacting is a very stressful situation and it's not like "I'm trying to fool people", I just want to "be myself" without alarming anybody so I act in a natural way, in fact it can give a charismatic feel for some people and/or make it seem like "i'm normal" to everybody, unless I start talking about weird s**t. Even when I laugh I make no sound but I create a sound on purpose just to show the other person that I really am laughing. It's my understanding that people will not feel like you're being honest, or look natural if your body language does not match what you're doing.

I was never in a serious relationship and the few times I had the opportunity, which is a miracle considering I have literally no social life, I freaked out at the idea of being in a relationship and I'd start avoiding these girls that have shown interest or even ask if I was interested plainly, in one case I ended up deflecting a nice girl in a way that I ended up making her start dating a friend instead. I've fallen in love twice, and it lasted for years each time, to the point that I'd suffer greatly as the first woman had a BF already and I would never even dare to try anything that could be, in any way, related to cheating or cooperating with a people who would cheat, and the second time the person was even more anti-social than me so there was no chance to begin with, in both cases I'd get so deeply into it that I'd do anything for them, which led me to suffer in silence, respecting their space and privacy above all things. Other than that I'd never even consider the possibility of dating anybody even today, I couldn't keep it up for more than a few days, I can't stand the whole "dating" thing or the whole "game" around it, on top of that I find it hard to believe I'd find anybody who could stand a life with me and likewise a person I could feel comfortable with unless I was madly in love with that person.

I used to have little to no empathy to the point that after watching Dexter I thought I could be a psychopath but apparently that's not a possibility because guilt is there, after I learn more about people's behavior I began to understand them better and I personally think I'm currently far more empathetic than most people, after I while I found out that I could possibly have a schizoid personality disorder, which basically means "The greatest loner you can possibly be", I still think this may be true but after I read about autism I identified myself with many symptoms, however self-diagnosis is rarely, if ever accurate, which led me to the psychologist which avoided the question and then led me here.

I'm not sure what else I could/should tell about my odd behavior, any opinions on all of this?
Thanks for spending your time reading this load of personal junk.

Edit: I also took this test: http://archive.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html and scored 31, but I wasn't 100% sure of many of my answers.

Oh and if it mattes, I usually buy multiple identical or very similar pieces of clothing, I really don't care about variety at all and in fact it makes it easier to find what I'm looking for.


Also, I don't hate, or even dislike people, I just feel very, very, very uncomfortable in social situations, specially if it's somewhere unknown and/or with unknown people.

Oh and an important one, I can't handle repetition, can't handle boredom but I can't handle sudden change either, what does it mean?
Well it is true that I spend 24/7 on the PC but no day is like the one before, even if I play the same game for 30 days in a row every day would be different as every match would change, I don't play story-driven games more than once unless it's a very rare occasion and once I learn every mechanic or move/skill in the game I tend to lose interest and if I want to finish or reach the highest level I usually have to force myself to do it... On the other hand I can't handle "emergency calls" or when a family member suddenly says I have to go out and do something, as if it wasn't enough that I hated having to do anything outside with a very strong passion, this feeling can reach unbearable levels if the request is made on the same day, to the point that I'd reject it unless the person in question was between life and death, if I have to go out on a certain day I have to know it at least one day earlier for me to have a chance to actually go out and do what I have to do.

I would suggest you not see your current psychologist anymore and see a specialist that how Autism Spectrum disorders present in university age people or at least somebody that respects your desire to know what is going on with yourself.

Without observing you or knowing in detail your early child history I can't do more then slightly suspect. My suspicions are you have several conditions going on at once. Certainly you describe not understanding social situations, a narrow intense interest, sensory issues with touch, spatial awareness issues, "hmmming" a verbal STIM associated with autism and other conditions.

You describe an apparent aversion to repetition a core autistic trait. I say apparent because you like the same clothing and dislike change which is sounds like liking certain types of repetition to me.

Thanks for the information and for your attention.

Yeah, I read about the repetition but it's odd that depending on the point of view it might look like my daily life is exactly the same, but from my perspective it's full of variation, I don't know what to think of it.

Anyway I'll see what/if I can do something about it or visit another professional some time.

Appreciate it.

I don't know what it is you have, but it resonates with a major part of me. I feel like one of my parts is very much like yours. I call it schizoid better than autism, but only because I am different at different points in time and sometimes I do not feel like I am anything autistic and am not like how you are at all.

I think the best way I describe it is a fear of showing something within myself. It is not social anxiety per se because it does not involve a conscious thought about 'oh no what will this person think of me', but it is nevertheless an intense desire for having the most enormous of personal boundaries.


I do not think he describes not understanding social situations.