Wanting to have friends or not

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I see many people saying that aspies/autistics don't have the desire to have friends, but I think that this is a very big lie. I think that aspies/autistics want to have friends (but they can't because of the social impairment), and that only introverted people and loners by choise lack the desire to have friends. It looks like a lot of people confuse introvertion with the inability to make friendships. About me, it mostly depends on my mood, even since childhood: there are days in which I am willing to interact with others, and others in which I don't want to do it, at all. People are often surprised by the fact that I talk a lot, even too much, but I can't interact well with others (though in the last years I'm improving and I'm becoming more able to interact). I often see also that people think that aspies/autistics send away other people, but in my case are usually other people to send me away from them, because I do things they consider "creepy". I usually send away or avoid to talk to people that I consider nasty, or that I don't like in general. I must also admit that my desire to have friends is bigger now; as a child I didn't feel that desire so big. Can anyone else relate?

I voted depends.

Why?

For me having friends requires sharing like interests with them, or at least being able to enjoy their interests. I enjoy engaging in intelligent conversation with others, and if they share an equal amount of interest in the things I have interest in, then I can get along with them, and with limited difficulty to myself. But with a conflicting personality or with someone who possess no similarity to my interests, then I cant really do it.


Is it a requirement in my life?

No.

I would prefer one or two really good, reliable, trustworthy friends. I don't really see the point in having more friends, and I certainly don't see the point in having untrustworthy friends.


Edited: It also depends on my mood. Sometimes I would like friends, but then I realize I am just bored and want people to entertain me. Then sometimes I have "friends" but I have no desire to socialize with them or get to know them better or really to have anything to do with them whatsoever. As selfish as this may sound I want friends when I want friends, not when other people want to be my friend.

Last edited by Tamsin on 19 Dec 2012, 7:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow, I thought being introverted was implied in an Aspergers diagnosis? Sure, introversion and lack of skills are two different things, but why that distinction? It is very rude calling other people liars just because their lived experience do not match yours.
As for "only loners want that!!11!1" don't we also come in all flavors? Are you saying only NTs get to be loners?

As for me, I most often don't like having friends as I dislike the up-keeping. I've been capable of getting friends, and also turned down much offered friendship, though of course with neurotypicals there's the usual breakdown in communication that happens between NTs and neurodiverse folks. So I guess it's complicated.

I like having one extremely close friend or partner, at most 2.

Last edited by Anomiel on 19 Dec 2012, 7:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't have much of a desire to have friends, socialize, or be around people. As a child, I didn't have any desires in this direction, because I was unaware of all these things.

I love having friends and socialising, I wish I saw my friends more often. I do find it easier to socialise and less tiring if I'm with people who are similar to me, or very understanding. It tires me out when I have to try to make conversation with people who aren't like me, and I struggle to think of things to say. When I'm with my best friend, I can talk non stop all day and could do the same again the next day.

"Don't want friends" could mean "don't care whether or not they I have friends" or could mean "actively don't want them"

Not caring whether or not there are friends is an autistic trait.

Personally, I care about having people who I trust, but can take or leave most interaction with them. There are certain things I actively want to do, no matter how much they burn me out and make me not capable of functioning for a few weeks after, there is me enjoying spending time with some people, but mostly spending time with some people is something I happen to enjoy and don't think about.

I'm pretty indifferent to having friends. I am not opposed to having friends, but I'm, also, not out seeking them or overly concerned if I don't have friends.

I used to be a member of a singles group that was kind of like that. The other members were casual friends that I would occasionally get together with as a group for a casual dinner or a picnic or a game of volleyball. I could leave or stay as I wished.

That was really quite ideal as far as I was concerned.

I do not actively seek friends out, although I tend to build up at least friendly acquaintances online. A few of them become friends over time.

There are things I like to do that requires other people, so that necessitated me having a social life in the past.

I voted 'no'.

Yes, I can relate to that. (Probably most other people would too, though.)



I seek out my brother when I am bored, his company is usually entertaining. What other reason would I seek him out for?



Yes, same here, I'd only want to have friends who share interests with me. But the probability of coming across such people randomly as I go through life is low.
Not to mention the other negatives of having friends - I'd have to make an effort to contact them regularly (which would be hard), even if I didn't feel like it.
Coupled with the facts that I don't mind not having friends, how I haven't exactly had good experience with them and how I would probably be too shy and timid to even try to make a friend if the opportunity and desire presented itself, it's easy to see why I don't have any.



While I wouldn't call it 'desire to have friends', I am not as opposed to having friends now as I was when I was younger.
Example, I have been messaging this one person over the internet. They live in the same country as I do. If it came to be that they lived nearby and said they wanted to meet, I think I might actually take up on the offer.



Aren't those the same thing? Could you explain the difference.
EDIT: Just appeared to me, with 'actively don't want them' did you mean being opposed to the idea of having friends rather than just being indifferent to it?

I wanted to have friends for a long time because I saw that people get some sort of fulfillment from friendship. That feeling has always eluded me. I just don't feel a normal bond with people. I don't know what that bond is supposed to feel like but I would like to experience it once. I don't think this is due to AS. I think it has to do with how I was treated by family and other people through most of my childhood.

I had an eye opening moment a few days ago when someone I met on a purely business level turned out to be a good and honorable man but my perception of him had been the opposite over the 2 weeks I interacted with him. It really sunk in how blind I've been to the possibility of goodness in people. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. But I've been damaged so long that I don't know if I can trust people enough to let a bond form and experience what I've been missing for 40 years. I do feel some sort of bond with my family members but it's like some distorted reflection of what it should be.

Last edited by Rascal77s on 19 Dec 2012, 9:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

In the past no, Or maybe I just didnt care. Now, yes I want Friends.

I used to want friends because I wanted to have a close relationship. I wanted somebody to understand me and I wanted to understand someone.

Unfortunately when I have had friends I haven't gotten that closeness. All the relationships that I have had have been shallow, superficial, and unsatisfying.

Part of it may be that my feelings can be very unusual. My values can be so different that when they are involved in my feelings people don't understand. It's also possible that I have difficulty explaining certain things that I am feeling especially the weird and confusing ones. Another reason is that many other people only want superficial relationships. It seems typical of NTs to engage in small talk and they don't always get deep.


Whatever the reason I have found my previous relationships to be unsatisfying and disappointing. Once they become disappointing I don't even feel like it's worth it to try and sustain them. Maybe I'd have difficulty sustaining them anyway but I get so disappointed that I just stop calling people and I don't even try. If the relationship is unsatisfying why am I putting the effort into maintaining it?


I usually don't see any point in maintaining unsatisfying friendships and after so many disappointing shallow relationships I've lost hope that I can relate to anyone at all. I anticipate every relationship to be unsatisfying so I don't feel like I want friends anymore. They don't provide me with any emotional satisfaction so they just don't mean anything to me.


I don't even want friends because I don't get anything out of friendships.

The things that bother me most are the things that don't make sense but there also the ones I feel the need to talk out. My desire to have a psychotic disorder is absolutely absurd but it's so pressing. I try to talk about it but people act confused and ask me "why on earth would anyone ever want that?". A back and forth starts and I don't end up getting a sense of understanding and I still feel isolated with my problems.

Friendships don't make me feel any less isolated because I'm still stuck with certain feelings. People don't know what to do when I express certain feelings so I don't get the support benefit from it.


Relationships are worthless to me.

I wasn't saying that only NTs and introverted. There are even people that are autistic AND introverted, but that's not always the case. And however, introversion is not required for an AS diagnosis; I know because 5 different psychiatrists told me that, so I think I can trust them.
And however, yes, I like to have just a few, but trustworthy friends, too. At the moment I think I can count 2 or 3 friends in general, but they're all people I trust quite much.

Last edited by Kairi96 on 20 Dec 2012, 12:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I voted "depends." It doesn't matter to me if I have friends or not. I don't have friends in the typical sense that people tend to have friends. For me it's like the people who run the local restaurant where I eat a lot---I know them fairly well. My family and the owners talk quite a bit when we eat there. And we talk with some of the regular customers there too.