I really need to pass.

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I have my final exam on Friday. It's a massive exam. It's a difficult exam (the biggest and most difficult one so far and they say it's the most difficult one we'll take during the whole bachelor's degree program). I'm stressed out. I suffer from massive performance anxiety due to perfectionism and my brain always "locks itself" when I'm this stressed and overwhelmed, which my psychologist says is common among people on the spectrum.

This past academic year has been difficult. AS and university isn't always a great combination (not for me anyway) and I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, depression and general lack of motivation. My grades have suffered (they were really good last year but now they're average at best) and I've been feeling like crap. However, I'm still very interested in what I'm studying and I really want to get through university and get into a good master's degree program after the next academic year.

I want to get my motivation back. I want to do well and reach my goals. Sometimes (actually quite often) I think my dreams are too big and that I'm too insignificant to do anything worthwhile in life. I feel worthless and I don't even see the point in living anymore (though I don't want to die). Anyway, I love learning, I really want to study and do well. I also just really want to get through these next few days and pass the exam so I don't have to retake it in August.

I'm tired. I wish I liked coffee.

Yesterday I was at university for 12 hours. 7am to 7pm. I was planning on being there for that long today as well but I went to bed at 10:30pm and couldn't fall asleep until 2am so that'll be difficult (I'll probably be at university from 8:30am to 6pm or so). Anyway, even though I got quite a lot done yesterday I still feel like I have so much left to learn. Not sure how to get all this information into my brain. Not sure I even remember anything I've learned so far. I wish I was smarter. Wish I lived up to that specific stereotype of people with autism. It feels like my above average ambition isn't enough. Sometimes I wish I had an eidetic memory. If I could choose a "superpower" I'd definitely choose that one. It'd come in handy.

I just want to pass this exam with good grades and prove to myself that I can do this even though things are really tough right now. I want to start believing in myself again. I suspect my lack of motivation has to do with the fact that I've completely lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. The autism assessment last year was a good thing. I learned a lot about myself and it was great to finally get some answers but the assessment also crushed my self-confidence (which was very low even before I got diagnosed) because I didn't do as well as I wanted to in certain tests. It's stupid, I know, but I can't really help it. I'm too much of a perfectionist to be OK with it.

Yeah, I'm rambling. Sorry.

I just really need to pass this exam.

EDIT: I'm aware I'm not asking any questions in this post and that I'm only speaking my mind but if you have any advice or other thoughts on this I'd really like to hear (read) that.

Good luck on your exam. You'll do great!

I know this probably won't help, but you need to relax about the exam.

Looking back to when I went to uni (and for all IT exams since), my approach the night before an exam was to relax (generally play some games on the PC), because I knew that if I hadn't learnt what I needed to know by that point, there was little-to-no chance I'd learn it overnight...A decent night's sleep was much more important.

You really need to take the focus off the "difficulty" of the exam, and just treat it the same as you would any other exam. Maybe try and get copies of past exams to get a feel for likely questions (or focus areas), as this should (hopefully) demonstrate your likely results for the exam. I'd also suggest that you remind yourself that (even though you may not like\want it) you have the potential of a second chance later in the year, and so this isn't a do-or-die exam.

Another tip I found useful during exams (and you probably do it) is where possible focus on the "easy" questions where you're sure of the answer. It's always nice to be 10% of the way through an exam with 30%+ of questions\possible marks already taken care of, as it relieves a lot of stress and allows you to better focus on the more difficult or time-consuming ones.

Just remember: It's not just a test of how well you've learnt the areas covered in the exam, it's also a reflection on how well the lecturers\tutors\whoever have been able to pass on the required knowledge[1], so a bad result (should the worst happen) isn't necessarily your fault.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learning_styles
Something I learnt a lot about while gaining my "workplace training and assessment" certificate some years back...and which I am being reminded of at the moment at work, while doing "self study" from an online "course", which consists solely of reading material from a website. Sadly, this is one of the worst ways for me personally to learn.

Hi Rebbieh,

I used to see you post here all the time. I hope all is well with you. I hope you graduate soon, and get a nice job and a nice house/apartment.

I realise now that perhaps I should've posted this in "school and college life". Is it possible to move it there?

Anyway, kraftiekortie: Thank you. I've barely been active here since sometime last year. Not sure why.

Brictoria: I can never relax when it comes to exams. I get super anxious every time. But yeah, I do agree that it's a good idea to take it easy and not study the night before the exam. I don't like studying last minute.