Hope for Escape

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I've been dwarfed by my parents since 12, when I was first diagnosed. I dug up help books that they read and the books always referred to autistics as weird people who need to under medication. So for a brief first period of my life, I was on risperdal as an all purpose medication since I was 9.

They offered to take me off when I was 14, but later learned why. Massive controversy concerning the side effects came into light from all over the country. Being no longer on medication, my guidance counselor "suggested" another anti-depressant on me. My parents, still in the medication paranoia of what was happening, didn't thankfully, but my counselor was taking advantage of them just to get me on medication.

My parents have slowly grown away from me and obsess over college and my faults rather than seeing me as person. We drive by a house that I almost crashed into. "That's the house BeggingTurtle almost crashed into." or "That's the boy he got into a fight with." my mum says. My father forces me to make eye contact under public eye "You're being disrespectful" he says. This repeats every day amidst more talk of college and everything is dehumanizing.

(end) SUMMARY: I want out. If not, I want them to understand. I try to tell them how it makes me feel and they shut me down and say "You're being ignorant." or "You're not being grateful." I can't be myself no longer, as they no longer accept who I really am. "You'll never get friends in the future if you keep being who you are." they say. But I have friends. Home is a painful place and I need a solution because this keeps escalating over the past 10 years.

I want out, too.

I don't mind going hungry every once in a while as long as I can have resl freedom.

Being part of this amenity ridden slave wage society is what really smothers and kills the soul.

I can't be a cog in this medieval ape system.

That's a fate worse than being homeless.

Most ppl are like the souless puppets the Skeksis enslave, drain, and manipulate. From the movie: The Dark Crystal.

Begging Turtle, I hear you. You are in a very painful situation and the problem is that your parents are not hearing you. They are possibly in some denial, for whatever reason, and the shaming of you by bringing up past faux pas is a very unpleasant thing for them to be doing.

What would happen if you responded to their put downs with "I feel very hurt when you talk to me like that; it chips away at my self-esteem, is that what you want to achieve?"

I think, for your own sanity, you need to find a counsellor who can listen, hear, and validate the pain you are going through and work out some ways of protecting yourself from these constant barrages of invalidation. Is there anyone at school - a guidance counsellor? - or a youth telephone counselling service that you could turn to for support?

Sadly, I don't think the chances of your parents changing is very high. Yet some do, with better information. Could you perhaps take out some library books that could enlighten them a bit, and suggest that you all read and discuss them? Something like Tony Attwood? Or show them some of his online video interviews? Sometimes people like your parents will do better when they know a bit better. Or you could ask them to participate in some family counselling. Again, the chances of them trying to make out the only problem is you (it isn't) is high; this is a family problem - their behaviour and attitudes are negatively impacting on you. A good counsellor can make them see that they are responsible for the impacts and consequences of their behaviour.

The one positive is that, in their own misguided way, they want you to succeed. They are probably blind to the fact that they are going entirely the wrong way about it, diminishing you rather than playing to your strengths. I wonder what they know and believe about autism? That's possibly where to start - or where a good family therapist could start (assuming you can find one who doesn't share their ignorance).

Anyway, in the first instance, you need some support and validation. Find a safe person to provide it. That could be a trusted teacher, if there is one, or someone in the extended family, or a counsellor, or a helpline. This will help restore your equilibrium and than you can work out a plan to stop their constant micro-aggressions on you. Leave the library books around the house; their curiosity will probably overcome them and they will start sneaking peaks when you are not around.

It is a sad situation and I hope that in say six months there will be much more acceptance of you at home. Good luck Begging Turtle. If you do nothing though, nothing will change.

To B19:
I have tried distributing information about the "right" sources, but they took only the criteria, not any of the solution stuff.
Further the problem is my profession at school is not well respected by them. I work stage lighting and lighting design for school plays and for my church, but my mum has come to only 1/12 productions this entire year and my father is totally disinterested. I suspect it's because many of my friends are the ones on stage and they would prefer that I would be with them, not hiding in the shadows.
I do speak with my school counselor now and then. She is aware of what is happening and she says that a bigger priority is to focus on rebuilding a community for myself upon graduating. So I'm still looking into colleges with such accommodations, in addition to electrical engineering and design classes.
I also have my siblings. I am under the impression that my parents force too much out of them. My sister wants to leave and is attending pre-med out of state. My brother is hiding in his room away from them because he hates their beliefs and religion and wants to reject it without offending them. I am under good terms with them (we don't fight or rat each other out) so I have trust with them. I haven't talked to my brother yet because I fear that he won't want to talk about it.

Sometimes the only thing to do is work toward removing yourself from an unchangeable situation (which I did myself as a young person). You have to shake the dust off your feet and build a new life. It isn't always easy, but oh my you learn a lot along the way, and freedom to be yourself without constant undermining is a wonderful feeling after years of having to live under the dark shadows of daily disrespect and unkindness. I am glad you have the counsellor to confide in and provide some independent support. Good luck, BT.