Learning forgiveness

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Do people on the Autism spectrum naturally find it difficult to forgive others that have wronged them? More so than NT's due to lack of empathy?

Lately I've been trying to teach myself to "let go" of past hurts and I find it next to impossible. I've been carrying grudges with me for YEARS. Even things that are trivial in nature I find I have a hard time letting go. If someone does or says something that really pisses me off or hurt me, that's it. Friendship is over. I've always strictly adhered to the "eye for an eye" mentality, though its not something I ever enjoyed.

Has anyone had success in learning to forgive others? And if so, what did you find that helped you the best?

Recently a friend of mine hurt me emotionally and so I started acting like a jerk towards her. Most people take this as a cue and leave you alone, but not her. She's showed much...compassion and understanding and I find that a difficult concept to grasp... I'm TRYING to forgive her, but the little bastards in my head say things like "yeah, but remember when..." and it starts again. I hate this and would very much like it to stop.

It definitely does take me a while to forgive someone. I don't hate many people, but when I hate them, it'll stay. I just want absolutely nothing to do with them and them to play no involvement in my life. I ignore their entire existence.

For me it's not really simply a matter of forgiving. I could just try and stop thinking about what happened. If the person that wronged me is still a bad person now, then I don't see any point in forgiving it (= the person). I just try not to think about it for the sake of my well-being and accept that I don't need to forgive it. I could consider forgiving someone that wronged me in the past but is sincerely good to me now. If you just naturally lose your hard feelings towards the person because of its sincere good intentions towards you, then forgiveness is happening naturally. I think you just need to accept how you feel but try not to dwell on it too much.

I have really tried to overcome this reaction
but I've come to the conclusion that's it's a post traumatic reaction
I twitch every time
I have a memory
muscles spasm with every memory
I hate it but I can't do anything about it
I can't train my brain to not think about it
my brain wanders and my muscles spasm and I'm helpless to do anything about it!

It's not a lack of empathy. It is a lack of trust and if you have had a traumatic incident during your early years then you develop a mistrust of people. It's like autistic people who were bullied at school who in the 30's and 40's get annoyed when and allistic person sits next to them on a bus, but has to allow for a full bus and so has to put up with someone they do not know them sitting next to them who in their subconscious may hurt them or cause anxiety when out.

I struggled with this. Eventually I got down a dictionary to look up exactly what "to forgive" means. The definition I found was " to forego the desire to punish", which I took to refer to retribution.

I guess I'm lucky in that seeking pay-back is something I've seldom experienced. I found an old Chinese saying along the lines of: "Before seeking revenge always dig two graves; one for the other person and one for myself." To me this means that when I get revenge on someone, rather than settling the matter, I usually set in motion a negative spin on the good old Karma Wheel. Sooner or later I will pay a price, as I have experienced on too many occasions. Ouch.

That is not to say, though, that should I later (usually several years later) learn of some misfortune befalling that person, I do not get a certain sense of malevolent satisfaction.

It's extremely difficult, but forgiving people (for sometimes appalling and cruel behaviour as well as more minor slights) is vital if we are to grow as individuals. Mostly it's a 'two steps forward, one step back' process. Equally important is learning to forgive ourselves for the things that we do wrong and for not living up to our own personal standards.

I second this man's statements !

All of us will experience what we or our servants cause others to experience eventually. Controlling your thoughts does take some work an effort but it becomes easier if you do meditation-like exercises (such as actual meditation or in the case of religious-people they do what they call praying) but whether you're trying to direct thoughts towards invisible entities whether they exist or not or just directing your own thoughts into yourself the important thing I think is to somewhat "program yourself" (sort of like self-hypnosis) into a clear desire for self-control of own thoughts.

You do not necessarily need to forget what happened. What is important is that you do not retaliate or seek revenge against the perpetrator in any way. This becomes easier the more it's practiced and put into the fore-front of your inter-actions with others. When slogans/mantras are repeated enough times it also seems to have somewhat of a subliminal-hypnosis-effect upon people (marketing over-powered). Suppose someone like that well-known Jesus guy were still alive today he'd probably recommend some kind of Star-Prayer for keeping your thoughts peaceful.

Ultimately, when faced with adversity, you want to condition yourself or develop a habit or condition yourself into developing the habit of the practice of keeping any negative thoughts out of your mind (the karmic-system is a factual-reality even though it may not necessarily manifest immediately as the karmic-system can deside to wait years & years before making someone pay the price [i.e.: causing them to suffer what they have made others experienced] for something that they may have done to others even from childhood-years). Knowing that you'll later on experience any additional suffering that you mete out (including all of the collateral-damage that results) due to someone being offensive to you should be enough reason for you to restrain yourself from seeking revenge (and the knowledge that they're unknowingly doing unto themselves what they did to you should be enough satisfaction to know that the long-arm of the karmic-law is indeed a very long arm able to follow one around for even centuries).

I too had a lot of trouble working out what forgiveness was supposed to be. I recently figured it must mean "to stop bearing a grievance," which seems pretty much the same as your "forego the desire to punish."

So forgiveness is a feeling, or more accurately, the cessation of a feeling. I guess that's why it's so hard to control.

Unless the original hurt was trivial, I don't forgive easily, but I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. I think to some extent it's a natural survival strategy, and that it could be dangerous to mess with it, though I get that there are times when retaliation is just going to make things worse. Mostly, I think it's important not to repress vengeful feelings, but to own them. I've known people who try too hard to forgive, and they don't really forgive at all, they just think they've forgiven, and then they start doing passive aggression instead, and they don't even know they're doing it. I think certain organised religions have in the past done a lot of damage by preaching forgiveness as if it's a thing that can be turned on and off like a tap.

I guess the question on this thread is about how to deal with resentful and vengeful feelings when they seem irrational and over the top but won't go away. I think it can pay to try to find out why the feelings seem inappropriately strong. I think it often turns out to be that a seemingly trivial slight has "touched a nerve," or is symbolic of another more serious experience of the same kind. For example, I tend to really resent people who try to push me or my loved ones around because I was once pushed around way too much. So if I do some introspection, I might heighten my awareness that to some extent I'm angry at the wrong person.

Another thing that happens to me is that I often don't take the chance to hit back until it's too late. If somebody slaps me, I don't think there's anything wrong in slapping them back right there and then, but if I don't do it immediately, it may be inappropriate to do it later. That failure to react appropriately at the time can create an unrequieted resentment for which it's hard to find a fix.

There is some great advise in the previous posts.

This is how it works for me, I don't know how to else to word this or how to make this relatable, but essentially I pick apart the underlying rationale for holding onto a grudge.

I tell myself that I am in control of my thoughts, I can feel whatever I want to feel, but it stops there. These thoughts coming from feelings must not influence my actions, my words, or else my emotions are my master and I am a servant of my emotions.
Why have these emotions arisen? To generalise, because of someone elses actions and my own sensitivities.
I quite resent another persons actions influencing my thoughts, how I live my life, so that is motivational enough for me.

Why do the sensitivities exist? Because of past experiences, with other people. Personally I resent feeling like a victim/feeling weak (even if justified) and I prefer to be free of past negatives, uninfluenced by them in the present, as much as is possible.

Each time I feel negatively towards the person, I let it happen and give it zero reinforcement, don't fight it, don't give it any emphasis positive or negative. I let it pass, this can be very difficult, so I will default to the above picking apart the underlying rationale if necessary to let the thoughts go.

I don't focus on forgiving, my aim is to 'let go' as the first and most significant step, quite often indifference and a natural forgiveness follows with the passage of time.
Letting go only works, if I am ready to do that, it can take time to get to this readiness.
Its like forming a new way of thinking, they say it takes 21 days to form new habits, but I think this is different for everyone.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice you have to make every day until it finally takes.

If someone does something to hurt me and then just acts like they didn't do anything wrong then it's really hard for me to forgive them. It seems like most people that do that will keep doing the same thing again and again so even if I did forgive them I try to keep my distance from them for my own safety. It's easier to forgive when they own up to it and show some remorse, but that almost never happens.

Forgiveness is something you really can't learn or teach, Either you do it or you don't. I don't get why so many NT's seem to think you have to forgive someone, even if they were cruel and abusive to you, or you'll spend the rest of your days wallowing in hate which will eat you up inside. I think a person can not forgive someone and still have a normal life -in spite of what the unforgivable things other people did to them.

Forgiveness is religious nonsense...parroted by 'the faithful' because their priest told them what to think and they mindlessly conform.

When you have been harmed, you have a choice....1 you can recycle the hurt in your mind and re-experience the anger, hurt, humiliation, etc....OR...2 you can force yourself to stop these thoughts

Number 2 is both easy and difficult. Take control of your mind...show it whose boss...when the thoughts come proclaim "STOP!! !!" then distract yourself....rinse and repeat.

Number 1 is a living HELL...trust me i know
Number 2 really sucks but eventually works

If I run into someone who has wronged me, I can force myself to pretend nothing ever happened, but ultimately, I will never, ever, trust them again. I don't think forgiveness is something where I should allow myself to be open to another attack, but I'm not sure what it is exactly...

Like a dog who has gotten kicked too many times. I won't wish revenge on them, and I try not to hold it against them, because that's how they are, and that just shows me I need to avoid them. Unfortunately, I don't think I can ever open myself up to anyone ever again, will never attach myself to anyone new. Will not give anyone an opportunity to hurt me...

Welp, I'm thinkin' there are SEVERAL things playing-into how you're feeling, right now.....

First-of-all, it sounds like you've never had a TRUE friend, maybe. I'm thinking this person may be, just THAT, because you said you're being a jerk to her, and she continues to be compassionate, toward you. It seems like all the times, in the past, when you've done the same thing, the relationship was over----so, it seems like the relationship didn't mean that much to either of you, or else it couldn't have been let-go-of, so easily.

Another thing that happens, that's TOTALLY natural, IMO, is that we lash-out, in DEFENSE of our hurt----so, then on top of being hurt, we now also have anger to deal with----PLUS, the repercussions of our anger. I learned to bite my tongue / try to remain tactful until I asked / said something to the person, that I feel just wronged me. Oftentimes, I found-out that the person didn't, in-any-way, mean it the way I took it (something that they said, for instance). Have you talked to this person? Have you told her what hurt you? Until you do, you can't heal----which brings me to my next point.....

You seem to be keeping score----like: people, who have hurt me: 10; people who have not hurt me: 0. The only reason to keep score, is for PROOF (as in, "SEE this many people hurt me!"). The only reason to need "proof" is so that one can say, definitively: "SEE, THIS is why I hurt!" I think, with MANY ASDers----MYSELF, included----we're hurting so much, already, because we don't fit-in, we don't think the way we'd like to / our mind doesn't work, the way we'd like it to; we don't get-along with most people because we mis-read so much stuff----it's just endless..... Maybe, think of it THIS way.....

ASDers often refer to the thing about people being in a wheelchair, and that it's EASY for others to SEE their disability; and, conversely, how it's NOT easy for someone to see US, as being disabled..... Someone with PROOF (have kept score), that they've been hurt, is like someone who is in a wheelchair----the wheelchair is PROOF----if you keep score, you have proof!

Also, it's, sort-of "displaced emotions"----we probably hurt MORE, cuz we feel we're stupid; then, we take it out, on others----AND, it's cyclical; the more we feel that we're stupid, the more sensitive we are, and feel hurt when someone says something, and the more someone says something that hurts us, the more stupid we feel, we are!

The only thing I've got to offer ya, unfortunately, is: What has holding a grudge, gotten ya? You said you feel terrible, that you don't want to feel like this, anymore----so, we know THAT'S not working----maybe "letting-go", WILL! I know----I know----easier said, than done----but, you haven't tried, yet (whole-heartedly)----your chances are, at LEAST, 50/50----your chances, NOW, are ZERO, so.....

Also, look for ways to feel better about yourself----to have a better opinion, of yourself, etc.