Another (frustrated) doubter

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Hi all,

I haven’t done a lot of ‘talking’ here yet, so I'm going to take a deep breath and put something out there... Apologies in advance for the long post!

Lately I've been really frustrated about whether I'm on the spectrum or not. It seems quite common for people to question this but I’m really struggling with the uncertainty! I’m also not sure whether pursuing an official diagnosis would be worth it.

A few years back I suspected that I might have ASD, but I dismissed it and put my symptoms down to social anxiety (which I do have). Recently though, my psychologist suggested that I could have HFA. I'd never mentioned anything about my past suspicions – he came up with it based on what he knows about me. So we discussed it then went through the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria, which I did seem to meet. He’s almost certain that I am mildly autistic. He says it is quite easily masked, and that I ‘hide’ it quite well. He’s had experience with people with ASD and knows a few aspie women personally, so I trust his judgement for the most part.

I still have my doubts though. How autistic do these traits sound to you? Keep in mind too that I am female – I’ve heard that females can present quite differently to males.

So:
- I’ve always been socially awkward. I was never popular in school, but I had a few close friends. I was either painfully shy or overbearing as a child.
- I’m a perfectionist. I’m highly competent when it comes to academia, but I often take longer than average to compete tasks because I want them to be just right.
- I always feel compelled to correct people whenever they make a scientifically inaccurate statement or use incorrect spelling or grammar.
- I hate uncertainty. If a social event or unfamiliar situation is impending, I need to be prepared for what to do when I get there, where to go or what to say to whom. I can’t just ‘wing it’.
- I don’t have a lasting obsession on just one topic, but I always seem to be in a state where I am fixated on a certain thing or someone. If it’s a person, I don’t go out of my way to find info about them, it’s more that I can’t get them out of my head.
- I struggle with eye contact, except with very close people. If they’re doing the talking, I can make eye contact, but I listen better if I’m looking away.
- I don’t think I have a problem with reading emotions or facial recognition. But I have this really frustrating thing where with particular people, I cannot picture their face in my mind. I can remember specific features of their face and recognise them when I see them, but on days I haven’t seen them, I can’t imagine their face.
- At times (more so when I’m anxious), I am slow to process lots of auditory information.
- I often miss when someone is ‘just kidding’.
- I really don’t like my routine being upset, but I wouldn’t consider my daily routine overly rigid.
- I fidget, pick / bite my fingers and chew the insides of my mouth compulsively, more so when I’m anxious or overwhelmed.
- I’m not a good conversationalist, except with people I know really well or if it’s about a topic I’m interested in. When I do feel that a social interaction actually went quite smoothly, I feel a great sense of achievement because of the effort I had to put into it.
- I’ve accidentally insulted people when all I was trying to do was respond to their comment or fill the silence
- I prefer to be solitary but I do get lonely.
- I’m not aware of any major sensory issues. I can get overwhelmed in loud environments, and certain noises irritate me. I prefer not to be touched, especially light touches. Music also has a very strong effect on me.
- I just get the feeling that I’m a step behind everyone else, like they’ve matured faster than me and ‘know’ things about the world that I don’t. But I feel more mature in other ways sometimes.
- I usually can tell if someone is upset, but I don’t always know what to say or do to comfort them.
- I’ve always felt more comfortable around ‘eccentric’ people.
- I’m an overthinker.
- I’ve taken a few ASD internet tests and they all suggested autism to some degree.

I could go on but I won’t do that to you

Anyway, sorry again for the tediously huge post, and thanks for taking the time to read this! Please let me know what you think

Myriad

Based on your psychologist's observations and remarks alone, I'd say it's worth pursuing a formal assessment. He's had experience with women on the spectrum and that's worth a lot, as it is often harder to notice in women who have managed to mask the traits. You also trust his judgement.

Your list also mentions a lot of things that people on the spectrum may experience; this plus what your psychologist thinks means it would be worth pursuing that assessment. If you are in a position to be able to do that, I would go ahead if I were you.

It's not always practical, depending on where you are in the world. In some countries an evaluation as an adult is prohibitively expensive or not in reach of someone's location. If you can obtain one though, you should look into it just for peace of mind that this is or is not the truth.

Some people feel doubt even after receiving their diagnosis -- that's the really weird stage! But if you're already feeling weirded out and frustrated by having it kinda-sorta told to you that you're on the spectrum, but nobody knows for sure, then getting a diagnosis will help.

For what it's worth, I see much of myself in your behavior. I'm male, but it sure sounds like you have classic Asperger's. Also, the anxiety is part of the ASD.

Sounds like me. But I don't have a formal diagnosis.

A lot of traits associated with autism in your list. Including perfectionism creating doubt

I identify with a lot of these as well even though I'm male (actually gay male, maybe we also present differently). I know you saw and replied to my earlier post on the "getting to know you" forum so I won't rehash it, but for those of us that are just discovering this about ourselves as adults, why did nobody suspect anything before? I mean, I was pretty weird and isolated and had a lot of emotional distress as a kid, and people definitely noticed it, but the "help" I always got, even from counselors, basically amounted to "please try harder" (hence my nickname). I was raised in a conventional middle-class environment so it's not like the resources weren't there.

I also don't know what the value of a diagnosis would be now. There's no magic pill or secret manual they give you when you're diagnosed, is there? Maybe recognizing that you have AS traits is enough?

All the traits you listed sound eerily like me (I'm a diagnosed Aspie male), and having read your post carefully, I'd say it's unlikely that you don't have ASD. I don't think you'll go far wrong if you assume you have it.

I don't think it much matters whether you get an official diagnosis or not, unless you need it for political reasons such as benefits or to ease job-related problems, or to access services (assuming they exist where you are). As far as self-knowledge goes, it's another bit of evidence, but it's such a subjective test that I don't have much faith in it as a definitive answer. I had to get my DX because I needed adjustments at work, but otherwise it hasn't really told me much. For me, the traits themselves are the only objective self-knowledge. But if a DX is affordable, it won't do any harm. I'd make sure it was confidential though. It could affect your employability, and in some quarters it may carry a social stigma.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I think I’m feeling a little less frustrated, and it’s nice to see some others who can relate.

The things that make me doubt ASD are mainly my lack of sensory issues, having no major topic of interest, and my ability to read facial expressions / emotion. I think I manage to appear somewhat NT most of the time, but only when I’m prepared and perhaps have some conversational ‘scripts’.

I’m not familiar with the process for a formal diagnosis where I am, but I might have another chat to my psychologist about it. I think I mentioned something to him previously, and he said just knowing that it could be a very plausible explanation for my ‘symptoms’ should be enough – kind of like what you said, Tryharder. I also understand what you mean about not discovering ASD until adulthood; my guess is that when you’re a child, people might just attribute certain symptoms to immaturity and assume you’ll grow out of them. I’ve also had the ‘try harder’ attitude from many others, like being told to ‘just talk to people – how hard can it be?’.

BirdInFlight, the peace of mind is definitely what I’m going for and you make a valid point. However, like what ToughDiamond said, the way ASD is assessed seems very subjective to me. So even if I did get officially diagnosed, I may still question it. And yeah, I’m aware that stigma exists (unfortunately ), so I wouldn’t go making it public. At the same time though, I feel that I would like some people to be aware of it so they can understand why I have trouble with certain things, especially in a work setting (which I do).