I have no conversational rapport with anyone

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I seem to be speaking to a different rhythm than everyone else on the entire planet. People talk over me all the time and I feel like I have to interrupt rudely just to get a word in. I can't figure out WHEN I'm supposed to speak. When I do get to say something, it seems like people either don't hear me, or don't understand what I'm talking about, or just don't care.

What it comes down to is I feel frustrated and annoyed after almost every single verbal exchange I have with anyone, ever. Other people seem to feel just fine about talking to me though, because they go on and on talking. They get some sort of satisfaction out of it, that seems to come at my own expense.

I can talk to people in my job, and accomplish what I need to do, and people compliment me on being pleasant and how they prefer me over other sales reps. But there's honestly not much in it for me except accomplishing the task at hand. Actually the ones I dread talking to the most, are the ones who really like me because they seem to want more than I can give.

I've come to the staggering realization that I have no natural conversational rapport with anyone - whatever rapport I do have with people, I actually have to work at it and it is exhausting.

I can't think of even ONE person that I really feel good about talking to, for anything from to just a brief exchange to a real conversation. I wish I had someone I could talk to without feeling so damn frustrated by it.

It has gotten to the point where I really question why I should bother trying to interact with people at all - outside of doing the minimum of whatever I have to do for my job - because I feel like I get very little satisfaction out of it.

Sorry to hear that.

I think a lot of mainstream groups are hard to penetrate, they don't seem to have any commitment to inclusion, just a competitive thing. Inclusive-minded groups do exist, but they're not common.

One-on-one works much better for me, though even there I find a lot of people either just talk my back legs off or aren't really interested in anything I say to them.

Simple politeness and supportiveness goes a long way with me, but strangely, it doesn't seem to happen much.

Frankly I often prefer online forums to "real life." The written word has some advantages over live speech.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

I'm pretty much the same way.

That's why I've become a "court-jester," apart from the group.

I do what I have to do socially--and nothing more.

A lot of what you write below applies to me as well. I am quite competent at exchanging information (for example, at work). But, anything else can be a struggle (and a lot of effort).

I just don’t understand how people can converse so easily about nothing in particular.

me too.

How old are you dianthus? There could still be plenty of time to meet at least one person with whom you can have a natural, easy conversation. I feel very similarly to you with most people I converse with in person. However, there have been rare gems. My current partner, a previous partner, and an old uni friend. That's not many people in 34 years of my life, but it's something. If I had have just given up trying to find like-minded conversationalists I'd have missed out on these great relationships/friendships. I suspect there may be one or two other people in my periphery who could fit the bill if I gave the friendship more of a chance - sometimes it can take some time before both parties relax and feel comfortable enough to let their true conversation style come through. If there's anyone you know a bit but not well, who you think might have potential, I'd suggest hanging out with them a bit more to see where it goes, rather than giving up on it possibly too quickly. If you get into a frame of mind that you will always just be acquaintances and not so close, then your interactions will be structured so that things never move forward anyway - the role that you assume of "the one who gets talked over" (or a similar label) will stick. If you can manage to challenge that role from the start with someone who might be worth it, after a few interactions you might see a shift in the dynamic.

And I'm not suggesting you consciously try to change your style to make it fit. On the contrary, be yourself and speak the way you want to, persist with it for a bit (frequently, not with long breaks between interactions) and see if things naturally fall into place.

At least PART of it, Di, might be because you're feeling overwhelmed, because you've just got so much going-on in your life, right now. You're having to deal with all these worries, frustrations, decisions, etc. in your head, and anything anyone says to you, right now, just adds to the "head noise" (ie, the problem of understanding what they said, and then figuring-out the right / appropriate response----verbal, facial expression, etc.); and, so you're not WANTING to talk to anyone / have them, talk to YOU, because you know how much problem it gives you. Being a sales rep is easier, comparatively, because you've got a "script", so-to-speak (or, maybe, LITERALLY), and you've got it down, pat.

As for people talking all-around you (ie, not letting you get a word in, edge-wise): talk OVER them----that's what *I* do! I don't mean "holler"----just raise your voice, above their's. More-often-than-not, the other person will back-down (stop talking, so you can speak)----every once-in-a-blue-moon, it doesn't work, and I'LL have to back-down; but, that's pretty rare. The way this has helped ME, is that people started seeing me stand-up for myself, and started acting differently (better / more inclusive) toward me.

Deborah Tannen's That's Not What I Mean't: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships.

People have different conversational styles and sometimes they butt up against each other.

Holy crap you read my mind...I was just reading that book the other day. I picked it up in the free book bin in front of 2nd and Charles. I was thinking a lot about it when I posted this thread.



That's it exactly...you got it...I feel really overwhelmed. I am trying to sort out so many things in my mind as it is, then trying to converse with people is just a bit much on top of that.

Yeah it's easier when I can follow a script, like when I have a really specific purpose for talking to someone, but when I don't I feel like I'm just grasping for things to say. I'm really burned out on the job...right now is one of those times I wish I could just work in an office by myself and shut the door and not have to talk to people, rather than being out in public all the time. It's exhausting.

This is good advice. I'm constantly spoken over, too, but if you raise your voice and mimic their annoying (to me) behavior, it can help. Unfortunately, this feels unnatural, but it can work.

It probably would work, but for me it's just not a kind of behaviour I can agree with. It's too brash.

Dianthus, that used to be me. People would talk and talk and I couldn't get a word in. Relating was terribly boring as a consequence, and a headache. I thought it would be like that forever. Then I changed myself and it stopped.

People interrupt each other all the time, but in ways so subtle that we aspies don't grasp. I started interrupting people (at first it was not subtle, till I learned some ways of my own that are as subtle as I'm able to achieve). But i think what made the biggest difference is that I made a firm decision to stop interacting with such a person even if it meant coming off as rude, and remaining totally alone. I think the firmness of my inner decision somehow transpires without me doing anything, because no one talks my head off anymore.

By the way, what most people do in such circumstances is they excuse themselves saying they're in a hurry.

Hello mirror.