I am NT and I do not understand

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Hi all

I am new here. I have a question about ending or pursuing an AS/NT relationship.

I met this man five months ago and we have grown very close. I genuinely care about him and what is going on in his life. I made the mistake of assuming that we were "together", "exclusive", or "in a relationship". He informed me that we are not. He is not looking for a "rel-hate-ionship". He said that he does care about me and that he likes me.

He wants to talk with me every day.

He wants to spend time with me every weekend.

He wants to have sex with me.

He is also very active on his Tinder dating profile and wants to meet other women.

The latter I find to be very hurtful. It makes me feel like a placeholder until what he thinks is a more ideal woman presents herself.

We are good friends. I believe that if I reduce contact that our non-relationship could smoothly transition into a strictly platonic friendship. However, it would be difficult for me because I have strong romantic feelings for him.

Should I refrain from having a sex with him and just be his friend?

Should I keep the status quo and be patient in regards to his on-line dating affairs?

Thanx!

My reaction when reading this, is that NT males can do this kind of thing too!

I don't think it's particularly to do with your guy having AS that makes him want the kind of situation he describes, while also keeping his options open regarding other women.

Both NT and AS people can be capable of not wanting a relationship, just a friends-with-benefits situation while looking for other people.

Your best approach is to not so much pay attention to how this guy has AS and that it may be his AS that causes hime to want this situation.

Instead, don't worry about that and take the situation on its own terms. You have a guy here who clearly states he doesn't want a relationship, he just wants to be able to have sex with you, although he also enjoys talking to you and would like to see you every weekend. You've only known each other five months, and very often people are still not necessarily exclusive, depending on the situation. And that's all okay so far.

Except -- you do not share the same goals of keeping things this way -- and that's okay too. People want different things out of life, and the only time a problem arises is when two people are not on the same page about what they want, or what they believed their relationship to be.

What you have to do is decide if what he wants things to be like is something you are happy to go along with, or not. But you probably need to accept that there probably isn't going to be a change in his feelings about this.

In my experience, if someone has told me very clearly what they want and don't want, and how they see their relationship to me, it's always better for me in the long run if I believe them about that, instead of maybe sticking around anyway just to see if I can change their minds.

I'm not saying you hope things will change if you just stay in this relationship, it's just that this is often a pit that the person who wants more may fall into. Take him at his word and know that what he wants is not the same as what you want.

I've been in your position before, and I wanted more of what you would like to have happen. I have often wished I cut my losses and let go of the man who wanted less of a connection with me; I wouldn't have wasted so much time, and it would have freed me to go find the man who DOES want the kind of relationship I want.

I know you care about this guy, but it's because you have feelings for him that it's going to hurt to either let things go platonic (while you still have other feelings for him) or to just keep having sex with him but yearn for more of an emotional investment from him. I've done both and both gave me heartache.

So, my advice to myself would have been "Cut your losses, lovingly let this one go, so that I'm free to find a man who wants the same level of involvement I want (and no continued Tinder interests etc)."

I think the best thing about this though, is that at least he's been very, very honest with you, even telling you he wants to meet other women. My guys were much more covert and kept me on a string, not wanting to tell me they didn't see this as more than a sex buddy scenario.

Thank you BirdInFlight. I believe you are right. What you said is what I know in my head to be true. It is painful to accept, but it is in my best interest to accept it now.

Any tips on handling facebook and seeing him at the gym everyday? I can put on a brave face but I'm a big softie on the inside.

I might not be right, lol! It's just the best I can offer based on some of my own experiences, so, based on that you must still do only what you really want to do -- even if that's to hang in there and keep seeing him. I just don't want you to get your feelings hurt though, if this truly isn't the same set of things you want. I know it's SO hard though, to pull away when you're really into someone except for those "if only" elements.

It's tough to have to still physically run into someone every day -- I didn't know there was a situation where you two still have to run across each other daily. That's going to be tough if you decide to fade things into platonic status. You may have to just kind of "bite the bullet and grit your teeth" emotionally/inwardly. Keep things light and friendly -- if you are ending the intimate side of things you don't want this to be a dramatic bust-up, just a friendly "we don't really want the same things" deal.

That way things don't have to be outwardly painful and heavy when you run into him; it's the inside that may hurt for a while if you're still into him. But those feelings can fade in time. With things like Facebook, I wouldn't think you'd have to unfriend him or anything. Perhaps as time goes on these things can happen more naturally later.

Again remember though, don't break up with him unless you really want to do this for your own reasons -- my take on things, and my advice, as well as anyone else's who may give some, may not be the right advice, just the best any of us can do given what we think of things.

In the end you mustn't rush into something just because someone else says they think it's best -- I think it's been best in my similar situations but I don't want to ruin a good thing for you if you don't want to rush into a decision.

I personally would stop going to the gym and FB for a while, but that's just me.

For support and insight into how to get out of this painful situation/trap most women have encountered at some point in their lives, you might want to read the book "He's not that into You". It shows you the issue from HIS point of view (written by men). Facing reality hurts but the sooner you do it, the less painful it will be.

And of course, it has nothing to do with AS.

Howdy, I'm NT too. I agree with BirdinFlight. #3 is why he is sticking around. If I knew he was still looking on that dating site, he'd be dropped like a hot potato (including the friendship). He'd be lucky not to find my boot in a place that would be most uncomfortable for him. Anyway, was he diagnosed Aspie?

Unfriend him on facebook and I personally would go to the gym either at an earlier time or later time than you did.
BirdInFlight mentioned that you don't want to stay in the relationship and get hurt, but you're already into the relationship with too many feelings and will get hurt anyway. It sounds like he has no feelings himself invested which would make me feel like I was being used even more.

Question to Aspies...... Aren't Aspies usually loyal? That is one of the traits that I so admire. And why does it seem that some Aspie guys can just let friendships/relationships go so easily - is it because they are more logical in their thinking?

BirdInFlight:

Well, I feel that you're right lol

I was not taking what he said at face value. He said that he does not want to be in a relationship and I was not hearing him.

I have been dealing with feelings of sadness and inadequacy regarding what I thought, at one time, was a budding and happy relationship with this man. If it feels wrong, then it probably is wrong--or at least it is wrong for me. I shouldn't set aside what I want, in hopes that this guy might want to be with me...one day...maybe...

Thank you for your insight and your kindness

Moondust: I'll definitely check out the book. It sounds like something I need to read. Thanks!

nurseangela: I do not know if he was ever formally diagnosed. I clued in to the signs before he told me that he had Aspergers. It was also my understanding that most are loyal but we don't all fit in neat little boxes. He did say that he was only seeing me...at the moment. Those last 3 words hurt a lot

And finally, I'm not quitting the gym or altering my schedule. The gym came before him and the gym is always true

You cannot & should not try to control others unless they're actually doing something to cause harm to others.

I will tell you though, that as a « womaniser » myself, just in case I do come across a nice young lady that might want to have « exclusive » relationship-sex, I have decided that a great solution for that is to get her to cos-play as all of the different beautiful female-characters that I want to have sex with, and that way, I would be able to have lots of sex with lots of different females, even though all of those different females are really the same girl, just that she can take on the appearance of a lot of different hot girls due to having a large collection of cos-play wigs to wear as we have sex !

Hi all

I am new here. I have a question about ending or pursuing an AS/NT relationship.

I met this man five months ago and we have grown very close. I genuinely care about him and what is going on in his life. I made the mistake of assuming that we were "together", "exclusive", or "in a relationship". He informed me that we are not. He is not looking for a "rel-hate-ionship". He said that he does care about me and that he likes me.

He wants to talk with me every day.

He wants to spend time with me every weekend.

He wants to have sex with me.

He is also very active on his Tinder dating profile and wants to meet other women.

The latter I find to be very hurtful. It makes me feel like a placeholder until what he thinks is a more ideal woman presents herself.

We are good friends. I believe that if I reduce contact that our non-relationship could smoothly transition into a strictly platonic friendship. However, it would be difficult for me because I have strong romantic feelings for him.

Should I refrain from having a sex with him and just be his friend?

Should I keep the status quo and be patient in regards to his on-line dating affairs?

Thanx!

What exactly is your point? Actually, you know what? Nevermind. I don't even want to waste any of my valuable time trying to figure out what you mean.[/quote]

Hahaha! Here is my interpretation: Sex. Lots of it. All the time. Very good.

androbot01,

I think that is what I should do. It is funny that you mentioned children, I am scheduled to get "fixed" next month. I do not want children. I don't have any real desire for marriage either, though I am not opposed to the idea. I want companionship. I'm starting to cry as I write this. I really do like him and it will be hard to let him go.

Amandar, I hope I didn't sound too harsh - I just wish I could save others the pain and time I wasted in dead-end relationships in my youth. If only someone had told me.

I loved the idea of unfriending him and going to the gym at other hours. As the saying goes: "If you love something, set it free, etc."