Not looking for a diagnosis, looking for advice?

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Okay, I will try my very best to accurately explain my situation and hopefully someone can relate or give me some advice.
I do not really have an easy time expressing myself, but it seems to be substantially better in writing, which is why I am here.

I am a 23 year old female. My whole entire life, I have always known I am different from other people.
Only now is it causing any kind of severe issue with my day to day functioning.

I googled "I feel like an alien" because that is how I have been feeling lately, and this website is the first thing to pop up. Naturally, I then read a lot about Asperger's and it felt like a major "aha" moment, especially when I came across Rudy Simone's list of female Asperger traits because about 95% of them can be applied to me.

I am not sure if I fit the Asperger's diagnosis though because apparently most "Aspies" aren't very self aware. Forgive me if that is a stereotypical statement, but from most of what I have read, not all, that seems to be a running theme.
But so does having routines that you adhere to, which I definitely do.
I have a whole morning routine, when I eat, when I shower, what order I do things in etc that I have been doing ever since I can remember.
I am also terrible with change.
But anyway...

I have always been what one would call a lone wolf. I prefer to do solitary things and I do not like to be disturbed while I am doing them. I am big into movies, reading, science fiction, science non fiction too, and have always been stereotypically nerdy. I have always felt like I have an unquenchable thirst to know how things work and why things are the way they are. I always got good grades in school but I never wanted to go and never enjoyed any aspect other than gaining new knowledge. There were quite a few times, especially in high school, where I would go home sick because I felt over stimulated in class to the point of panic attacks. I was bullied and made fun of in every level of education. I have a distinct memory of going to a classmates birthday party and her telling me she only invited me because her mom made her and that she thought I was the weirdest person in the world. I have never followed any kind of fashion trend and have never worn make up. I prefer to either wear my hair up in a ponytail or down and my wardrobe consists mostly of hoodies and sweat pants. They are the only clothes I feel comfortable in. My brother likes to say that I don't give in to girl culture, but it is mostly because I do not understand girl culture.

My biggest problem is definitely with any kind of social interaction. I have about zero interest or ability for small talk. I actually have a hard time talking about anything, even things that are of interest to me. I am literally at a loss for words. Most of the time, I feel like everyone speaks a different language and has a particular set of rules. I am doing my best to mimic and understand them, but the next day, everyone has a new language and new rules and I can never catch on. I also never know what to say to people and a lot of my time I just remain silent. Without exaggerating, I do not have any friends. It is most likely because of my issues verbalizing. I also tend to forget that other people have feelings, as weird as it sounds, and my ability to put myself in someone else's shoes is non existent. I do not understand other people's feelings even if they are clearly evident. Heck, most of the time, I do not understand what I am feeling myself. (I have also never been in any kind of romantic relationship or even been on a date ) I am constantly pretending I can, for lack of a better term, be normal, but I am literally at the point of physical and mental exhaustion.

I feel like a need to recharge whenever I am around people and am very introverted as well.

It seems petty, but I have stopped talking for the most part, other than at work where I have to (I stupidly work in communications, but definitely do not see myself being there for much longer because it causes me so much stress and anxiety to have to be constantly "on"). I just do not have the energy to pretend anymore. In all my reading I have been doing on this and other websites, I found that "masking" symptoms can lead to worsening anxiety, depression, and even, surprise surprise, mutism.

I tried multiple times to talk to my mom, I live alone with her, but I cannot express in words what I am thinking in my head.
And when I do manage to get some kind of garbled thought out, she doesn't listen to what I say and always cuts me off to say "I need medication." Or she will say I need to get out more, it will make me feel better. I need to open up. I need to exercise. I need to get my mind on other things.

Well, none of that works.

I think one of my biggest motivations for writing any of this on a random website is because of how much distress this is causing me. My mom and brother do not understand me at all. I cannot blame them since I have been actively tricking everyone into thinking I am able to function as expected, but I am kind of depressed that nobody up until this point has realized anything was wrong with me. And now that I am taking off my mask, that nobody can believe or understand what I am trying to express. I just feel incredibly alone.

Health wise, I have been a long time sufferer of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and a bit of depression. And by long term I mean I started having panic attacks in elementary school. My parents actually pushed off that diagnosis until I was in high school because they didn't think someone my age had anything to be anxious or depressed about. When I got into high school, I was overwhelmed and actually ended up in the hospital because of the frequency and intensity of my panic attacks. And now that I think of it, most of those attacks were do to sensory issues. I still to this day cannot eat in restaurants because they are too loud and make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Once again, I am not looking for a diagnosis, just advice on how to move forward from here.
Or if anyone can share any similar experiences so I don't feel so alone, that would be good too!
Thanks in advance

I do not feel anxious or uncomfortable around other people at all, just if they want me to talk.
I will look into that social communication disorder as well.
As for repetitive behaviors, the only things that I can think of is I crack my knuckles a lot and I play with my hair a lot when I am bored.

You definitely sound like an aspie to me. My recommendation would be to see if you can find someone to diagnose you. Do you have insurance, or access to the NHS? You're lucky in that being 23 means you don't need your mother's permission or assistance to set up the appointment. If you can't afford to get diagnosed right now, the next best thing is to research the crap out of ASD, and to find ways to help yourself, such as getting earplugs/headphones for places like restaurants that are too loud, or stim toys (fidgets that appeal to your senses and help you relax, like flashing balls, oil and water cubes, stretchy rubber toys, etc.) You can also work on being more assertive in expressing your needs to your family, even without mentioning why you need what you need. A simple, "I need you to leave me alone so I can de-compress" should be all that's needed. If they want more information, you can just describe the physical symptoms inside you; "I feel like my head is going to explode/I want to break something and I need to be left alone." Even if you can't get official support that's based on a diagnosis right now, you can still go a long way towards helping yourself, and making your life more "aspie friendly".

FYI, I totally relate to the not wanting to talk thing. I work in retail where I have to do it a lot, and I hate it, and there are days where I'll just stay silent for hours because speech is too physically exhausting to contemplate. I'm going to start learning ASL in school this semester specifically to give me an alternative to verbal speech when I'm too overwhelmed or tired to talk.

a bit same here, im 21 and just did a self diagnosis..i cant afford an official one. ive always known that im different from the rest since childhood....i didnt mind at all, i thought i was just strong and independent etc. but when i heard about AS i went in denial state.and as years passed i graduated from college and had to experience scary stuff like applying for a job, attending interviews, landing a job, mingling with co-workers and such. i realized i really am not normal. i researched online, did some self assessment and online exam and boom..i did accept it. ii realized why my grade school friends were my friends only then and how they're all gone in my life now, same with my past co-workers and childhood friends. how im not really interested with people.how i cannot keep small talks even with my relatives. how i suck with everything. it was such a painful experience, i thought the truth will set me free.but it did not, it killed me. yes, im always dependable and can adapt to any situation but im basically alone. no friends whatsoever.accepting you have AS and living in a third world country is like a death sentence. what's more is that no one here knows about my condition, not even my family. duh, folks here dont even know such condition exist in this world. even if i tell them, they wont understand and pips here are quite judgmental so im being quiet until now. i dont know how im supposed to live. im currently unemployed i want to try living overseas. i envy those of you who has family and society support. wonder why i was born on this wicked side of the globe.

Before talking to your mother I'd try to get a diagnosis. Seek a professional with experience with adult women. Maybe you have an association where you can get a referral. Then ask the professional how to discuss this with your mother. One of the hardest things about being high functioning is being expected to cope and try to fit in all the time.

For a long time I thought my troubles coping with everyday life was just my bipolar until I had friends with bipolar didn't have the same coping issues as I do. You can have GAD and Aspergers (high functioning autism) as co-morbidities.

Hi. You sound a lot like me. Morning routine and exhaustion at being "on" at work are exactly like me.

I agree with the others that you should seek a diagnosis as it seems you are impaired.

Input from your parents will be helpful whether you self diagnose or go through a professional so it's best to get your mother on side if you can.

Good luck

Update

So I wrote my mom about how I have been feeling and went into detail about everything which kind of helped a little in itself. I definitely bottle everything up because when asked to talk I just freeze. She agreed that a lot of the traits/characteristics fit me and a lot of my behaviors growing up. Unfortunately, I don't think she took me very seriously though. She hasn't even mentioned it to me at all even though I said I was willing to try and talk about it. The only she has said to me about it was in an unrelated incident. She was talking about a family friend of ours who has very low functioning autism. She said that he has autism, not you.

I'm therefore considering going to my doctor for a referral, because that's how my health insurance works, to someone who can help. However there is another hurdle there. How do I go about doing that? Knowing myself, he'll ask me why I want to do it and I'll probably just start crying because I get frustrated when I can't express myself and then I cry because I'm frustrated. Do you think I could get into contact with a doctor who specializes and have them contact my general doctor? Any advice on that?

And thanks to everyone else that has responded. It's good to feel like I'm not so alone after all. I've always felt like I'm broken or have parts missing or something. I'm glad to finally have some kind of explanation.

You will probably have a much easier time seeing the doctor if you think about answers to those questions before you have to answer them. Think about why you do want to be assessed. The more reasons you have, the less nervous you'll be about it which means you'll be able to get your point across better. People on this site can help you think of your own reasons in the chance they do give you a hard time, but I hope the doctor's not too interrogating. They shouldn't be.

I was in the same boat. I would try to talk to my parents, mostly my Father about how I felt. He would just say you dont have autism and your normal. Like you said he never took me seriously. It everytime I would try to tlk about it they would say your not diagnosed and that therapy was too expensive. They would then proceed to act as if nothing happened. This is saying a lot as my dad is a social worker who works in mental health, and I have two cousins who have aspergers. So long story short after a friend of mine whom I saw as a sister completly pushed me away, I went into an extreme panic attack to the point where I wanted to self harm and I was having suicidal thoughts. I told my dad that I wanted to cut myself. He than finally told me to set up an apointment with a counselor, and lo and behold I was diagnosed and I was able to get the help I needed through some common therapys. I would show your mom this post. I still have trouble telling my Father how I feel or when im overstimulated. He just doesnt get it, but It's all good.I remember when I went in to see the therapist all of my personal conversations and planned replies drained from my mind and it took a few sessions to understand what my issue was. Long story short it I ended up having to take a 576 question test that asked the same 30 questions over again in different ways which allowed him to see for example if I was depressed or if I had anxiety, and what the causes were. He gave me therapy to help the causes and he did diagnose me with autism, but he focused more on the individuale issues and their individual causes which helped a lot such as my anxiety attacks, what they are caused by and what I can do to lessen them. We did talk about the atism a little, but I knew a lot from my own research to where he saw it of little importance to tell me what I already knew.