Dear Wrong Planet members,
I am sorry to bother you with yet another "am I an aspie?" post and I pardon for the length of it. I have for a long time considered myself quite successful. I'm currently pursuing a PhD, I have a wonderful girlfriend (who is also quite geeky), and I actually have several friends. As such it feels a bit stupid even asking this question. According to DSM there has to be clinically significant impairments. Do I have that? I don't know! When is something significant?
I do not ask whether I have AS/ASD because I want people to pity me, I am sure there are people here which have bigger problems than me. The reason I'm asking is because since I started reading about the condition I cannot get it out of my head. I may walk around for hours in my apartment thinking about whether I have (supposedly mild) AS or not. This occurs several times a week and I have trouble stopping these thoughts even if I try to. As I read about Asperger's I continually discover traits (good and bad) that I have always considered an important part of me. Sometimes I even get scared and/or denying and need time to comprehend what I've just read. Admittedly, there are also traits which I do not recognize but I feel like wanting to claim the part of my personality that Asperger's seems to cover, even if it's a disorder.
Some of you might say this walking around thinking is good enough reason to seek professional assessment, if only to get it out of my head. However, I am very indecisive and have not yet been able to ask my therapist, who I just started seeing because of health anxiety. The mentioned health anxiety is also a big reason why I have to stay particularly critical. Therefore, I would like to ask you, dear WP members, whether you think it is likely that I have Asperger's or not.
Socializing:
My childhood was terrible. On a daily basis, other kids bullied me until I burst out in anger. I realized that this aggression would only make them tease me more, but I simply could not prevent it.
I also had a quite limited interest in socializing. Luckily, I had one friend who would not give me up. He is my opposite, and the most extrovert person I know of. He always kept asking me out to play and quite frankly I thought he was incredibly annoying. Most of the time I came up with excuses like having to clean my room, but every once in a while I ran out of excuses and I reluctantly had to join him. I've always meant that this was crucial for me developing any social skills at all and today I am very grateful for that.
When I became an adolescent I was far more interested in socializing but I was still quite awkward. One time, a girl who really didn't know me dragged me into an empty bedroom. I started talking about electromagnets, which apparently wasn't her thing. She left. (It's okay if you laugh, I do). I also became very dependent on my previously mentioned friend in social occasions, perhaps unhealthily so. On high school I chose a very technical and geeky track which forced me to move far away from home. I could no longer rely upon my friend's guidance, and I met a lot of other geeks with whom I shared interests. It was from this point on that I felt confident about being a weird geek and really embraced it. I think it is similar to how some aspies feel when they get the diagnosis and starts accepting that they are different.
All the other geeks at this school seemed to accept me as well, and for a while I was sure that I had now gotten rid of the awkwardness. I believed the reason why I still wasn't accepted back home was because people remembered me as a child. But when I finished high school and entered military duty (which unfortunately is compulsory here) the others in the military only needed one day to identify me as a victim, as if there was a sign above my head that said "different". Nevertheless, the year went by and I started on the university where I again felt I could fit in somehow.
Today I can blend in quite well, and I think people find me friendly. I can even manage a bit smalltalk. In a few situations I feel a bit awkward, though. For instance I simply cannot think of a single thing to say to some of my girlfriend's friends, and I always use very polite standard phrases when I'm out buying something. If someone in a café asks me what I'd like to buy before I've gotten the time to think about it for a while, I get stressed and might sometimes buy something I don't want. And when meeting people I find it hard to know when to shake hands and especially when to hug girls. I avoid situations which I'm very poor at, such as dancing, football, skiing, and actually all sports but running. Actually I feel kind of hurt when I see others dancing because I would like to take my girlfriend dancing too (I think she would want too). Unfortunately I don't know how to dance. I have stiff movements and get very embarrassed and upset and end up in a bad mood not talking to anyone for the rest of the day.
Further on, I often get an urge to talk way too much about a topic (surprised?) although I usually limit myself. My girlfriend unfortunately have to listen to these monologues, but luckily we have common interests.
I do not think I have problems reading facial expressions and looking people in the eyes (or in the face at least). I have had a few occasions where I didn't recognize people, such as my sister, in unexpected places. But this is rare. I also think I get sarcasm most of the time, although it sometimes happens that I start replying before I understand it. My girlfriend also complains that I sometimes only answer exactly what she asked for, and not what she wanted to know.
Stimming and hyperactivity:
I walk around in circles or back and forth in my apartment usually several times a day while daydreaming (often repeating daydreams). I also walk back and forth while waiting for trains etc. If I'm alone in my office, I may walk around there as well. Sometimes I get an urge to run and slide on the floor or jump up and down from stuff (particularly down stairs or in coaches). Sometimes I spend most of the day like this.
I have very restless legs and I'm constantly fidgeting with my fingers and objects lying around. I bite the top of my pencils and I cannot use pens because suddenly, I am full of ink inside my palms and in my face (because of fidgeting). Pens also quickly gets dismantled and destroyed in my hands. It's kind of embarrassing when the spring suddenly flies through the room during an important meeting, but at least people get to laugh (which I'm okay with).
After reading about Asperger's I also often catch myself rocking back and forth smoothly. Actually I kind of wish i still didn't know I did this because noticing it kind of disrupts the comfort.
Sensitivity:
I'm sensitive to light and often wear sunglasses when I'm outdoors (even on cloudy days). Except for that I don't think I'm very sensitive but perhaps a bit when it comes to touch. I dislike being touched by anyone but my girlfriend. I am also extremely ticklish all over my body.
I actually eat most kinds of food although I cannot stand the texture of coconut and a few other ingredients. I may sometimes go a long time before noticing that I'm hungry.
Focus and narrow interests:
As a child the only thing I cared about was computers and playing my music instrument. I was technically very good at my instrument but I never managed to improvise and have stopped. Today I'm interested in several things, but almost exclusively disciplines within science, technology and math. Often I can be very focused, and in some occasions, I can work with something that I think is so exciting that I cannot help but start walking around, which obviously makes it hard to get anything done.
Dyspraxia:
I am simply put the most clumsy person I know of. I'm told I have a funny walk, and I often stumble. I often lose my keys while I'm about to unlock the door and my handwriting is so terrible that I often have problems convincing people who need my signature that I am in fact me. I also have problems remembering the order of the months.
Compulsions, planning and routines:
I'm not sure if I have any compulsions. Do repeated thoughts and walking around count? I also have very little routines! I really have to take a shower every morning but that's basically it. I do, however, have a hard time organizing stuff and have to use a calendar on my cell-phone for everything. Before I started doing that I would use my girlfriend as a calendar (I think she's relieved not having to do that anymore). If someone makes a lot of plans for me, such as holidays and business travels, I may easily feel that I have no control and get stressed and cringe. Sometimes I just have to lie down for a while. My calendar helps prevent this. That being said, I do not mind holidays as soon as all the planning and packing is done.
As a child, I had some strange routines. Every Christmas I would carefully unfold the paper on the gifts and line them up. I would always line up everyones shoes when entering our house. On every Saturday I would make some drawings and build a toy car out of kitchen chairs and some household appliances. Finally there was this routines when I ate porridge. I would put butter in the middle of the porridge, then cinnamon until the whole porridge became dark, and sugar until it was bright again. Finally, I would put raisins in two concentric circles around the butter. One circle about half an inch away from the butter, and the other about half an inch from the boundary between the porridge and the bowl. Hence my username on WP.
When I look at what I've written it seems obvious to me that I have Asperger's but then I suffer from this hypochondria. I usually suspect deadly somatic diseases though, but I still cannot disregard it. Of course you cannot diagnose me either, but maybe you could tell me what you think? I suppose I'm a little afraid of getting rejected by my therapist, so I ask here first. Please be nice!
Kind regards,
The Porridge Guy
05 Jul 2015, 4:04 pm
