Behind a glass wall

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I originally posted this in the Aspie Songs thread, but I'd like some feedback on it so I decided to start a new thread. For those of you who can relate to what I wrote, how do you get out from behind that wall and connect with people? Any tips or success stories?

"What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts - just the chorus. (I don't like country music myself, but I hear it a lot at work.)

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

That part of the song haunts me (especially in the context of the rest of the song - being alone because your partner has left you) - with regards to important people in my life in general and especially my husband. I enjoy being around people but most of the time I don't talk much, don't interact with people much - it's like living trapped as a spectator behind a glass wall, and I know that definitely gives the wrong impression to the people around me. They think I'm ignoring them, they think I'm not interested in them, that I don't care about them/love them... That's certainly not the case, it's just that I don't show my interest/love in the ways they might expect. I'm sure other people around here can relate...

For me it's either like watching life through a window or a mirror. I can mimic and people will think that I'm kind of like them, but not quite (no one EVER thinks I'm like them and I'm not talking tiny differences), but I'm strange to them and I make them uncomfortable or fascinated (like a bug in an experiment), but never really connected or at ease. They probably feel like they see me through a window or a mirror as well. I don't believe any of us overcome this, we just pretend. The bottom line is they still know something is off. That might be just my own personal observation, but that's what it is. Now, that doesn't mean they can't like you the way you are, only that you will always be considered different.

I feel close to my husband, my brothers and the people I consider friends because they accept that I am the way I am and will never change. They can handle a relationship with the alien. They don't freak out because I have a sudden meltdown, don't want to be touched or hugged, get tired if they talk too much, won't go out into public much, eat strange food in a strange manner and abruptly get up and leave to go write. They can deal with all of that. I can deal with their NTism. If they can do that, I still see them through a glass, but it's better. I'd say of all of them, I see my husband the least that way. I see him more like through a membrane instead of glass.

Some days I feel the same way as you, and I know it's better that way. If you can be at peace with who you are, other people will be more likely to accept you even if you're a little different. But on other days I'm painfully aware of the fact that people who are accepting and aspie-friendly can be hard to find. They're certainly a minority. That's why I feel like I need to find a way to project myself in a more NT-friendly way, for my own dignity (and also so that I'm not hurting other people by giving the impression that I don't want to be around them - that's the biggest thing I'm concerned about right now)... so I can be more at peace with who I am all the time, not just half the time. Being so self-aware and self-critical is no good because it makes you behave in a way that sets off people's freak-radars even more than usual. So I'd like to be happy with my aspieness all the time, but if I can't then I wanna do what I can to improve it.

Yes, and you never fully feel like you are being "you," the you that you see in your head, without people to facillitate that personality and are left with an awkward compromise.

From what I've noticed, the best thing to do is to be as comfortable as possible with yourself and your surroundings, rather than actively trying to make yourself accessible. I think a majority of people are attracted to what they don't understand if it's packaged properly or whatever. If you are comfortable and can make conversation at ease, even if it's what some people would think of as off kilter, you have a much better chance of people wanting to know more about you. No one actually finds small talk interesting, anyway, it's just a way to make themselves comfortable...

Yes, there is a barrier.

All around me people - the stock standard NT type (and I know some nice ones) are so fluid in conversation, and even without words. I am not.

Something they are doing on autopilot I must do by "hand flying the aircraft (me)". When I have been with people I am tired to the point of meltdown. And I have missed so much.

I think that I receive the logical component. I know that there is so much more.

I've never found a way to really fool them. I've had all kinds of classes and training, but it all comes back to the fact that people are acutely aware that I am different, but they don't know why. What I've found when I pretend is that they say nothing (because they are being polite), but they notice and it makes them uncomfortable because they don't know whether they should say something or not. Then they don't want to talk to me and I don't know why. Meanwhile they think they are sending me all kinds of signals I "should" pick up on because a normal person would and they become frustrated because I don't pick it up. Since I'm pretending I'm normal, they think I'm being rude. It turns into a mess. For me it works better to just say that I don't get it (which I did long before I knew about Asperger's). That way they know it's not intentional and it won't change. They seem to do okay with that and try to modify so we can communicate.

On the other hand, communicating is exhausting to me, so I usually end up limiting it anyway or they eat up all my time in recovering from encounters with them. I have a very low threshhold for NT conversation. It all wipes me out. All of it. Thankfully, I don't have much actual human contact at work. After work, it really takes a major event for me to be around people. I don't miss it or seek it out. I can deal with my husband but I don't have the desire for more.

Yes, I can totally relate to this. I told my counselor the other day that I felt like a ghost or shadow of a "real" person in comparison to others. The glass wall is an excellent metaphor! We're always looking in on other people and watching them interact so effortlessly, experiencing all these intricate emotions that we'll never feel, at least not in the same way. It's a very strange paradox, to be separated from other people by your "self!" But yet there are many benefits. We'll always be more emotionally independent and individualistic. It's unlikely we'll ever experience the emotional slavery of being so dependent on the opinions and approval of others. We can't be dependent on what we've never received!!

I often feel like I'm wandering about in a world I don't belong in a bubble.

I only come out from behind the glass when I'm with my Mum or Mary (my 'second' mother), or Michele (who's like an aunt to me). I want to come out from behind the glass for so many more people because I care about them and want to interact with them but I'm a big scardy-cat.