just want to get this over with (trigger warning: real life)

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You can reply. I will read it, but I might not answer it. Also the title does not indicate suicidal thoughts i'm fine right now. Please don't worry. I just want to talk about how I feel.

So I struggle with Depression, Asperger's syndrome, and drug abuse(dph,lsd,thc,dxm,dmt,alcohol,caffeine,nicotine).

My parents are abusive. They use physical punishments. they would also say strange things to keep me from becoming girly. Because I have four sisters. They would say things Like only men who like men do that. I didn't even understand what that meant. In addition the places I lived are filthy do to the five children they barely take care of.

I have family issues that keep me from being at the same home for more than a few years. The last time I moved my girlfriend dumped me. I lost a lot of my possessions. lost my role models my friends my neighbors. Almost everything except my memories. I remember before I left my friends invited me to a beach and I was staring at the sky for few moments it felt like I wasn't in my body. I used to be a chatterbox but I stopped talking all of a sudden. They were really worried, but I don't know why they were worried.

I moved from Portland Oregon to Lima Ohio. The high school there is very strict I used to wear bracelets and goggles but they told me I couldn't wear them. they only allow khakis and red polos there. So I attempted suicide multiple times with drugs and such(ssri dxm caffeine). If I get high yay if I die even better. My mom also had found out she had Dissociative identity disorder.

So uh I got fired from my first job last week. Job was third shift maintenance at a Walmart. It was easy at first but all the people I liked quit slowly over time. It really hammers home that lifelong friends are not possible.

my stepdad and my mom are divorcing and they have five kids. Christmas is coming I'm too scared to go by my parents house to be honest.

my autism plus my IQ of 109 means my thoughts strange and abstract to most people to the point of me pretending to be a sociopath just so people won't bother with trying to hurt my feelings and when i'm not that i'm either sarcastic or alone and staring at a screen in darkness. Which is why my avatar is just a shadow wearing clothes. Because it's sort of what I look like.

but I'm better now got sweet gear and cool drawings.

I am glad you are better. Thank you for sharing your story. I get suicidal thoughts a lot too. It's just a part of my life so I understand. You are not alone.

sorry, especially that your parents were so hard on you. best of luck finding a new job.

No use viewing drugs so pessimistically, however it all happened you've accrued a lot of transcendental knowledge most Americans miss out on their entire lives. I've been outside my body on a beach too for that matter, as well as known a lot of my friends to partake of the same drugs you mentioned. They can all be risen above, keep some herb & gradually detox at your own pace. IQ is malleable...

Keep drawing dude.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

The get high or die trying thing was more my angsty teenage years of drug use now i see it as more of a tool for thought

you had the same experience as me? wow that's cool i thought i was the only one

Yeah - I sat on a driftwood stump and melded with everything. Everything else that happened that day was just BS serving to predicate a grander realization.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

To get it over with you either have to full on leave and make a new life. Cut ties with them. And develop yourself so you are better able to cope.

Or kill yourself but that's no good I think .


These are the only 2 options. I'm not going to be PC about it