Have you improved at "reading rejection"?

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Yes, a tragic irony that we're much more likely to encounter rejection more frequently than the average person, and that we're the last to recognize it when it happens!!

I'm better at it now, AND I encounter much less rejection than I used to: I'm married now and in a stable long-term job, although I was told by interview coaches in the past that I do better than the average person so even in past years in between jobs, I had a pretty good feeling in most interviews. For meeting up with friends and acquaintances, generally it's pretty good although in recent years there was this one "semi-friend" who I kept making plans with to go for dinner or drinks and he always bailed at the last minute with some unforeseen circumstance, which I found suspect.

But before, for most of my 20s, it was like "everyone is Japanese". Got the "hmm, well, maybe another time" and "oh yeah, that sounds like a good idea, just call me" when said person didn't even provide their phone number (and probably didn't just forget they didn't.) I had plenty of occasions where somebody would say "sorry I gotta help a friend move" then I'd call them the next week and lo and behold they had another friend to help move. The paradox is, and I don't think they realize it, is they're trying to be socially soft on me BUT they're really insulting my intelligence and telling me that I'm supposed to be naive and accept this. It sucks.

I suppose you could come flat out and ask "Ummm...I'm sorry, is that a rejection??" but, that would likely upset or embarrass the other person, when you're expected to "let them save face".

The funny thing is, I've read communications books geared towards an NT audience, and THEY raise the advice to tell somebody directly "no" or "not interested" or whatever, so that you don't continue to perpetuate false hopes, which doesn't benefit either party. And no, it's unlikely such books were written by Aspies.

I encounter the lame excuses less now than I used to, although I think it's more because the people around me are a bit more mature than I used to hang out with. I try to ask "what day would be good for you", since I have a lot of friends with busy schedules and kids now, and I know it's hard to plan around that. I don't put up with people that bail out at the last minute a lot though--one or two times, sure, but if it becomes clear that I'm a fallback plan for when they have nothing else to do, I figure that's just rude.

These days I tend to assume rejection unless there are clear, positive signs of acceptance.

When I was younger I went to a few job interviews and would get very disappointed when it turned out that I hadn't got the job. It seems that if they don't pretty much tell you at the time that the job's yours, it probably isn't. And they don't usually bother to write to tell you that you didn't get the job. I always used to wait expectantly for a couple of weeks and then go and ask them. Trusting fool.

Socially I wasn't quite so naive, though I used to think that if a girl hadn't actually told me point blank to sod off, then there was still plenty of hope, and I used to take "some other time maybe" as actually meaning they were just temporarily too busy.

I gradually began to suss out the disinterested body language and to interpret the "damnation by faint praise" that most people seem to do. But most of the time I still can't tell the difference between social gloss and genuine interest and acceptance, so I play it safe and I don't normally bother people if there's much doubt about how welcome I might be. I just leave them be until such time as they invite to be with them. So I usually underestimate my popularity and probably pass by many opportunities and make people think I'm not interested in them.

But I'm quite reclusive myself anyway, and don't like people being invasive, calling on me without getting my approval first, trying to drag me along to things I don't want to go to and making it hard to say no without hurting their feelings.

I long ago stopped expecting acceptance, and left it at that.

Same here. I believe everyone is bad by default.
This midset is very destructive to our social opportunities however.
We should assume people are indifferent for now and work on our ability to deal with rejection.

People who are always busy is a sign of rejection and people who don't ever get back to you when they said they would or when they just simply stop responding. I never buy the "I'm busy" excuse. That is something people always say when they don't wan to tell you they are avoiding you or don't want to talk to you anymore. Even at 17 years of age I would always assume I got dumped whenever people would stop replying to my IMs or emails.

I have gotten better at it as I have gotten older. Even at 13 I decided if this one girl never calls me, it means she doesn't want to talk and isn't interested in me.

But I was in high school when I learned in a Asperger's online group that people will always have excuses when you try and invite them over or go out with them and you as an aspie tend to believe all their excuses. I learned the 3 strike rule in Mozart and the Whale book written by Jerry Newport when he wrote another guy giving him that rule when they were in college. You ask a girl out three times and if she says no every time, don't ask her out again. Move on. I decided that should apply with other people too so that way you are not harassing anyone or making anyone uncomfortable.

I think not being called for an interview or not being told when you start is a obvious sign you rejected from the job. Of course they won't tell you. But I learned later on that they will sometimes tell you they found someone else who had more experience or higher education. They won't tell you they are not interested in you and say why. I remember I once took it literal when I applied at a Wal Mart when I was nearly 17 and they said they would call Friday for interviews. That day comes and I sit by the phone all day waiting for them to call and they never do. I felt lied to. I realized later on that they meant they will call for interviews for the ones they are interested in. I also once got a job at a McDonalds and I could never get a hold of the manager to put me on schedule and then after a while I gave up trying to reach her after trying for a month every day. I moved on. She may have decided to reject me because I didn't call her exactly at six. I went to a movie instead and I came home and it was past six and I called her and she wasn't in. I didn't take it literal when she said call her at six and that may have made her decide I was not serious about the job. But yet I kept calling in every day to try and get a hold of her and she was never in. She may have told all her employers to say she isn't in and to get someone else if I ask for the manager.


Also if someone bails out at the last minute, they get the 3 strike rule and after that, I am done with them. I know someone online who always would plan munches and then cancel them the last minute but I don't think it's about rejection, his reason would be about not enough people were interested, he had to work, etc and I decided to stop looking forward to them because why bother, they will just get cancelled right before the event. One time it happened on the same day the event was supposed to happen so I showed up and no one was there and I came home with lot of anxiety and then I blew up at my husband about something else because I was already upset. I came home and checked my email and saw the email that it was cancelled and the email was from early that morning. I felt pissed and figured I better fricken check my emails before I leave for his events just to be sure they are not cancelled. Either he has sh***y luck or he just flakes out on it and can't be bothered to tell us so he makes up an excuse. But he had used up all his strikes.

Certainly I think the majority of the human race is unsuitable for me, though I wouldn't call them bad exactly. Being so reclusive myself these days, I can relate to their reluctance to accept me. I guess I see friendship rather like I see relationships, i.e. it's fine to be picky, and not really a gross insult to reject.

Of course the number of social opportunities is reduced, but I'm not sure that's such a bad thing, as long as it doesn't get to ground zero for too long. Social acceptance has its good points, but it can be rather a waste of life to hang out with people who don't fit in with you particularly well. It can get like a box-ticking exercise, "wow, I talked to 5 people today." It feels good at first but if there's no depth to it, for me it somehow loses its appeal. But there's nothing wrong with what you've said. Everybody has their own way of doing this socialising thing.