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I'm always messing up socially!

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cherrybanana
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31 Aug 2015, 10:23 am

Hi everyone,

I'm in distress today, because yet again I find conflict when I'm trying to be reasonable. I always manage to get this brick wall presented to me when I attempt to put my opinions across, although I'm at a loss as to why, because I mull what I'm about to say over in my head lots of times. :? :?

Any tips to avoid conflict? :



starkid
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31 Aug 2015, 11:32 pm

Don't discuss your opinions except with people who will respect you and listen thoughtfully. No amount of reasonableness will inspire those traits in people who do not have them.



Earthling
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31 Aug 2015, 11:47 pm

I'm curious, what does "trying to be reasonable" mean exactly?



cherrybanana
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01 Sep 2015, 8:39 am

I'm not exactly sure, but I think it's when you pretend to understand their point of view.



Pepe
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01 Sep 2015, 9:25 am

starkid wrote:
Don't discuss your opinions except with people who will respect you and listen thoughtfully. No amount of reasonableness will inspire those traits in people who do not have them.


Firstly, welcome to the club, op...

Well said starkid...
"You can't reason with unreasonable people..."

And you can't ever expect justice in this farkukta NT universe...



SocOfAutism
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01 Sep 2015, 10:25 am

Can we hear specifics?

But yes, I totally agree. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're absolutely sure the other person will agree and will not repeat what you said. This is sad to say, but it will keep you out of trouble.

I actually have pretty critical, judgmental opinions that would win me little friends if I spoke them aloud. I don't usually think about it, but if I do, I think to myself, "Do I want to have an argument about this?" Always, I do not. Especially if it's something I feel strongly about. So I shut up before I open my mouth.



Pepe
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01 Sep 2015, 8:11 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:
Can we hear specifics?

But yes, I totally agree. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're absolutely sure the other person will agree and will not repeat what you said. This is sad to say, but it will keep you out of trouble.

I actually have pretty critical, judgmental opinions that would win me little friends if I spoke them aloud. I don't usually think about it, but if I do, I think to myself, "Do I want to have an argument about this?" Always, I do not. Especially if it's something I feel strongly about. So I shut up before I open my mouth.


I have a compulsion to be honest...
This is both my strength and my downfall...

What irony...
That we get punished for our sin-cere well meaning honesty...

I agree that the best policy may be to stfu in most situations but very much so when dealing with NTs who have a different social protocol...
We have websites like this one where we can be ourselves... ;)



Pepe
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01 Sep 2015, 8:17 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:
Can we hear specifics?


Who are you talking to?

People who need emotion fulfillment rather than a desire for rational discussion, as an example...
Political correctness on steroids stifling freedom of expression, and I am not talking about the *abuse* of freedom of expression...



hollowmoon
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01 Sep 2015, 11:35 pm

SocOfAutism wrote:
Can we hear specifics?

But yes, I totally agree. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're absolutely sure the other person will agree and will not repeat what you said. This is sad to say, but it will keep you out of trouble.

I actually have pretty critical, judgmental opinions that would win me little friends if I spoke them aloud. I don't usually think about it, but if I do, I think to myself, "Do I want to have an argument about this?" Always, I do not. Especially if it's something I feel strongly about. So I shut up before I open my mouth.


What is the difference between arguing and saying your opinion? I can't figure it out whenever I say an opinion that differs from someone else's they say I'm arguing. Aren't conversations about sharing opinions?



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01 Sep 2015, 11:56 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
What is the difference between arguing and saying your opinion? I can't figure it out whenever I say an opinion that differs from someone else's they say I'm arguing. Aren't conversations about sharing opinions?


When people say that you are arguing, it usually means that they don't want to hear what you have to say.

Also many, if not most, NT conversations are just about being in the company of another person, not the actual content of the conversation.



cherrybanana
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02 Sep 2015, 7:08 am

starkid wrote:
Don't discuss your opinions except with people who will respect you and listen thoughtfully. No amount of reasonableness will inspire those traits in people who do not have them.


How do you know who will listen until they refuse to, then give you a hard time?



cherrybanana
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02 Sep 2015, 7:10 am

hollowmoon wrote:
SocOfAutism wrote:
Can we hear specifics?

But yes, I totally agree. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you're absolutely sure the other person will agree and will not repeat what you said. This is sad to say, but it will keep you out of trouble.

I actually have pretty critical, judgmental opinions that would win me little friends if I spoke them aloud. I don't usually think about it, but if I do, I think to myself, "Do I want to have an argument about this?" Always, I do not. Especially if it's something I feel strongly about. So I shut up before I open my mouth.


What is the difference between arguing and saying your opinion? I can't figure it out whenever I say an opinion that differs from someone else's they say I'm arguing. Aren't conversations about sharing opinions?


I have no idea about conversations. Even if I agree with people, the conversation seems to lead nowhere.



cherrybanana
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02 Sep 2015, 7:15 am

Pepe wrote:
starkid wrote:
Don't discuss your opinions except with people who will respect you and listen thoughtfully. No amount of reasonableness will inspire those traits in people who do not have them.


Firstly, welcome to the club, op...


Thanks, but I don't know what club you mean.



Pepe
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02 Sep 2015, 6:46 pm

cherrybanana wrote:
Pepe wrote:
starkid wrote:
Don't discuss your opinions except with people who will respect you and listen thoughtfully. No amount of reasonableness will inspire those traits in people who do not have them.


Firstly, welcome to the club, op...


Thanks, but I don't know what club you mean.


The club whose members have trouble communicating with the dominant indigenous life form on planet earth... ;)



BudDickman
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02 Sep 2015, 7:28 pm

hollowmoon wrote:

What is the difference between arguing and saying your opinion? I can't figure it out whenever I say an opinion that differs from someone else's they say I'm arguing. Aren't conversations about sharing opinions?


I get this same reaction on a very consistent basis - I'm convinced it is something in my delivery, I think my facial expression, that causes this.

It is an issue like this one that has basically built a ceiling into my career. I am constantly being misinterpreted at work, which leads to awkward future communication. Folks that give me a smile and a 'hello' upon meeting me at work will inevitably, within a few months recede in their interaction with me to the point where they typically don't acknowledge me when passing in the hall. This happens to me so often that I know the issue exists on my end, not theirs.

I'm 46 and am kind of reaching a point where I no longer care, so long as it only affects my prospects for advancement, and not prospects for continued employment.



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02 Sep 2015, 7:53 pm

cherrybanana wrote:
starkid wrote:
Don't discuss your opinions except with people who will respect you and listen thoughtfully. No amount of reasonableness will inspire those traits in people who do not have them.


How do you know who will listen until they refuse to, then give you a hard time?


Outside of the context of a formal debate, a teacher-led classroom discussion, or a direct question, most people probably don't care about other people's opinions. You know who will listen to you based on prior experience; in other words, friends and family.

Putting your ideas on a blog also attracts people who care and allows you to avoid people who don't (although jerks sometimes comment on others' blogs as well).