Avoidance and ASD

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Is avoidance a big problem for anyone else on the spectrum? I avoid lots of different experiences like socialising, sensory stimualtion and other unpleasant things. However this avoidance has only increased my anxiety over the years and I know I should be doing more to push my boundaries. I really don't see that exposure works for me. My level of anxiety doesn't drop if I expose myself to crowds or loud noises or strangers. Only avoidance provides any relief and that's becoming impossible. I can't avoid everything stressful.

I can handle things to a point, and then I have to practice avoidance. It's like something builds up in me, and then that's it, I have to get away from people and activity. And I totally avoid crowds, I can't handle them.

Corroonb, do you apply any techniques such as relaxation training or breathing control, for situations you'd rather avoid?

I learned some relaxation training in Lamaze education for childbirth, that now I can use whenever I must reduce my tension. For instance, though most of us dislike dental visits, I use breathing and meditation to minimize my distress in the dentist chair. When I have needed outpatient surgery, similarly I apply those methods until they give me some anesthesia.

It's better when I know what to expect and can prepare myself.

But yes, I avoid parties and crowds unless there is a reason to participate. I don't like crowds but I do occasionally go to a concert. I don't love parties, but if I can have my significant other with me for comfort and grounding, it's a whole lot better.

It's basically the story of my life, I avoid everything and have isolated myself to such a degree that I don't talk to barely anyone besides my immediately family and the support workers I have. I hate it, I'm killing myself trying to change but I dunno if it will be enough to be happy and I can't do another 60 years of this horses**t. Either I get better or I die.

I avoid lots of things: Make medical appointments, go to uni, get internship, leave house, pick up phone, check messages on phone, talk to friends, talk to neighbors... I've never liked parties or went partying, EVER. Not once in my life.
I avoid all of these as much as I can. I also have anxiety for everything.
When I'm at the gorcery store, I basically emotionally freeze up and just "function".
I've been mostly at home for over half a year now.

It's a huge problem and my anxiety doesn't drop from exposure either.

I have read about and tried to apply such techniques but my anxiety is usually so extreme that I can't focus enough. I do disassociate when in an avoidable situation, I try to avoid even thinking about my anxiety and feelings. As you can imagine this is not helpful. If you avoid thinking about anything at all because of stressful associations (triggers) then life is pretty weird and miserable

I don't avoid everything. I have a job where I have to interact with the public and answer the phone. I can't avoid this because I need the money and I have (minor) responsibilities. However I find the job alternately boring and stressful and the whole experience is exhausting.

corroonb, I have a job that is just like you describe. And yes, it is exhausting, and I cannot say I like it, at all.

The relaxation training is not something you can learn by reading about it. You have to practice it over and over. The thing about Lamaze training for childbirth is, you're going to have that baby whether you practice or not, so it kind of reinforces you learning it. If you don't, you're up the creek without a paddle, as they say.

There are a number of places you can get this training where I live. You can go to the integrative medicine people and what they teach is "mindfulness" or "mindfulness meditation." You can go to a Buddhist center or meditation center. You can work with a therapist but keep going more than a couple sessions. We even do some of it in yoga, the main part being the breathing control. Mental health centers and community centers may also offer it.

But this may not be true where you live. You might want to get a CD (audio) or DVD (video) and use that to guide you, and keep practicing.

Finally, if the anxiety and avoidance are keeping you from having a full life, it is entirely appropriate to consider meds. Some find an anxiolytic or antidepressant keeps them at a workable steady-state, while others take something only when they feel a panic attack coming on. Working with a sympathetic psychiatrist can make this a fairly safe endeavor, and if you are afraid of dependency, discussing that with the doctor can help avoid it becoming an issue.

Pretty much sums it up. Medical appointments, text messages, parties, all social situations minus family... Luckily as I've gotten older the behavior has become a bit less debilitating. Like nowadays I am even somewhat able to think for example what to buy from the store instead of just running through in panic and picking the same stuff automatically. But I haven't seen a doctor in ages...

Due to my upbringing, I was taught to have shame-aversion to accommodating AS expression. I spent several decades in that state of being emotionally frozen up (repressed) and just..."functioned". That is was proponents of all forms of conversion or reparative therapy consider a success, as it forces the person to appear socially acceptable.

Desensitization is a strange adaptation. If the phobia or avoidance is *learned*, desensitization can greatly alleviate it or even "cure" it. But if the aversion is due to say, sensory or other neurological atypical traits the best desensitization can do is raise your tolerance threshold before being overwhelmed. It does *not* reduce the internal stress reaction however, which increases with the increased exposure. Which means you either have a far more severe reaction when you reach saturation, or you need a much longer, more intense recovery time/experience (ie isolation, etc.).

Avoiding things is far more important to me than doing things. I found that once I became skilled at avoiding all the things I didn't want to do, I became much more content and had the space to begin to understand the reasons why I didn't want to do those things in the first place.

The onus is always put on the doing, but I think most people have no idea of what it is they really want to do or why they 'do', they mostly do what they're expected to do or do what is acceptable. If it was so great what they're all doing, they'd just get on with it and be happy, but many of them are not happy and that's why they get so angry and upset with somebody who isn't doing what they're doing, it challenges them, it makes them think about what they're doing, but they don't want to think about what they're doing.

Here's my take from a different angle.

I work with my daughter, in her late 20s and also aspie, to learn how to do the things that she dreads. I break it down into smaller pieces that she can attempt, but if she is just not able to start, maybe I will start and soon she jumps in, as though the initiation piece was the worst part. I praise her when she succeeds and when she has done much better than she thought she could. Gradually she has learned the adult independence activities she needs to master, like making a medical appointment, finding an apartment, or calling social services about her benefits.

I have pointed out to her that she has a tendency to use avoidance, and in almost all cases, delay and avoidance just make the problems worse. She is beginning to understand that and even to be more proactive.

Hers is a wonderful success story that I would wish on anyone here. She still has a way to go, but she's really come a long long way. I suppose having me as a guide helped, and not everyone has that, but if you can work this way with a social worker or teacher, or even with a parent though that might be rarer, take advantage of it.

I avoid so many things it's kind of ridiculous sometimes! It get's way worse when I'm depressed, but I think it's all anxiety driven. I avoid people from anxiety, and anything that involves talking to people I don't know or like, or being around them, and I avoid driving too. I avoid doing or thinking about schoolwork until the day of the deadlines, which actually hasn't impacted my grades (still get As :p) but it makes things a little harder sometimes. I also avoid talking about certain things that could cause conflict too. I really feel that I can overcome it though, it's actually not that big of a deal depending on how you think of it.

Sorry, should have been, "That is what proponents of all forms...".

I have a problem with avoidance of demands (tasks, chores, getting out of bed, etc). It's a major issue.

Exposure can reduce anxiety when the anxiety is caused by some nonsense phobia where things are scary when they shouldn't be (although it'll take a while, and you'll have to endure the anxiety in the meantime), but I'm pretty sure exposure will never work on things that are actually painful or harmful to you. For example, letting yourself get mauled by a bear won't decrease your bear-related anxiety. It also won't make bear maulings hurt much less. Likewise, if you have sensory issues, exposure to loud noises and crowds isn't going to help.

Hi Corroonb,

I can relate completely. It is like a never ending cycle - stress/unpleasantness>>avoidance>>anxiety>>more stress/unpleasantness... And on and on FOREVER.

I have made a little bit of headway in trying to break the cycle for myself. The biggest gains that I have made have been in acknowledging that things that other people find normal and even pleasant stress me out and it is ok to do some things that filter out or block some of my stressors. A few of the things that I do are:

1) modify environment to reduce stress. For me this includes light control (blinds, lamps instead of overhead lights, sunglasses/hats, monitor dimming...) sound control (in-ear headphones when in loud environments act like dimming-earplugs with optional quiet music, phones etc. set to silent so they light but do not ring...) texture control ( comfortable cloths, shoes, comfortable chairs in office...) making time to be alone (this is the most important thing. Before and after a stressful or overwhelming situation, I make sure that I have time to relax and recover.)

2) learn assertiveness techniques. Being able to steer situations or say no in clear but socially smooth ways has reduced the number of unpleasant situations I have to navigate (be drained by) to only those that are important to me or my family/friends. I no longer feel I have to be agreeable to all requests, instead I remind myself that I want to give Quality time and energy to the important people/goals in my life, so it's ok to curate good opportunities and discard less useful ones.

3) modify CBT and Exposure therapy. I wasted so much time and energy on these therapies before I was diagnosed. They just do not work well for people with ASDs for a number of very good reasons. Use a workbook (or a therapist, if you can find one who is specialized) that tailors CBT and Exposure to the way that the brains of ASD people work. The link below is the best book that I have found. Using modified therapy in combination with just really s.l.o.w.i.n.g...down the Exposures and using relaxation techniques like those BeaArthur recommends every day I have finally made some headway.

Good luck - I hope that you are able to break the cycle, even just a little.

Overcoming Anxiety and Depression on the Autism Spectrum: A Self-help Guide Using CBT by Lee A. Wilkinson (link is to google books listing where you can read sections of the book)

Thank you for your awesome post mild mannered missanthrope. I appreciate the advice and I will check out that book.

I have been modifying my environment for a while now but I get to a state where I see all my coping mechanisms as avoidance (which is maladaptive) and suddenly abandon my headphones and/or earplugs which causes huge stress.