Attachments
11 Sep 2015, 6:53 pm
I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 11 years old. Ever since I was little I've been really attached to people, mainly adult women. Maybe it sounds weird, but it's true. Not in any romantic kind of way because that would be abnormal, just really close, and it causes me a lot of stress.
My situation for the past 2 years has been with my English teacher, Mrs. W. The first day I met her in 2013, when I was going into the 10th grade, I knew I was going to love her. I knew this because of her personality and how pretty she was. She was in her late 40's and I loved having her for a teacher. I took an interest in her and she took an interest in me. In the spring of 2014 she even took me shopping and to eat! It was a great night and it meant a lot that she would spend time with me like that. And in the summer she bought me lunch a couple of times!
At the end of the school year, I was placing all of my eggs in one basket. Mrs. W was my only source of happiness. Every day after school I would go to her room and just hang out with her, even when she was busy. I hated going home because I wasn't with her and I loved school only because of her.
Then in 11th grade I was kind of glad I wasn't going to have her as my teacher because maybe the attachment wouldn't be so bad. My counselor talked with me about all-or-nothing, like, our relationship didn't have to be nothing, and it didn't have to be so extremely close, but somewhere in the middle. This helped some and I quit going to her room every day because I knew that was feeding into my obsession/attachment.
I was mad at Mrs. W a lot over small stuff but I felt so infatuated with her at the same time. And then in October of 2014 she even took me to her house which was awesome!!
And now as a senior I have her for English again. I don't like her intern, so I've been struggling in her class. And I just don't like the way she talks to me sometimes. (Mrs. W) What I want from Mrs. W is for her to comfort me when I'm upset, to love on me, but I just get an "I'm sorry" when I tell her something that's wrong and it makes me upset that I don't get more than that. I'm trying to work on that! And I want her to know EVERYTHING about me and understand EVERYTHING about me. She knows a LOT, like the fact that I have Aspergers and basically everything else like my family life and my past, etc.
I feel like our relationship has definitely gotten healthier, like it's not a 0 or 100, but somewhere in the middle, so that's good. But there's so many things I want to fix. I'm jealous when she's hanging outside of school with her teacher friends because it's not me. I'm jealous when she talks and laughs with another student because it's not me. I'm upset when I don't get the kind of comforting I want from her. I dream of her being my mom. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't like me when I KNOW she loves me a whole lot. I just want the strong attachment to go away. I always pray that it will but for the past 2 years God just hasn't seemed to answer it or care.
What can I do? I hate when my head feels this way, like overwhelmed with just Mrs. W. I need help!! I have a therapist but I need other input. Have any of you ever been way too attached to someone? What have you done to overcome it?
~Darci
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~Darci
11 Sep 2015, 7:09 pm
I think you will have to separate yourself from her cold turkey. I don't think seeing and being around her just a little will be enough and eventually the friendship will have to come to an end once you're out if school and she's no longer your teacher. It sounds like she's an obsession and the best way to stop those is to entirely stop them completely and replace them with something else.
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I'm happiness challenged.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.
nick007
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11 Sep 2015, 10:37 pm
I had a bad obsession with my 1st two girlfriends & a celebrity I had a mega huge crush on. I didn't have an obsession with my current girlfriend partly because I started taking Neurontin for my OCD. I'm not really obsessed with anyone or anything now.
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12 Sep 2015, 7:53 am
I've struggled with these kinds of obsessions my whole life, and I know too well how painful they can be.
I think nurseangela is on the right track in this instance, but my only concern is that the obsession will eventually transfer to someone else. How did you overcome your other attachments?
I've not yet discovered a solution for it, but I have found that I do get some relief by distracting myself with other interests and forcing myself to spend time with different people. Do you have other friends you can hang out with? Maybe if you try to spend time doing a variety of other things and being around a few different people you can fill your mind with other stuff.
I really wish I could help you more! Just know that you're not alone.
_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 129 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 100 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits
AQ: 39 / 50
12 Sep 2015, 8:22 am
Hey Darci,
It seems like you've been quite confiding to your teacher-friend. And she's been really helpful for your well-being, too. She's listened to you, and invited you over to her place. Egad! If I would have gotten that from a teacher!! !
I'm wondering if she's worried that you're developing romantic feelings for her. Which would be understandable under the circumstances. The same thing has happened to me.
I believe it's healthy for a student to have regard for a teacher, and vice versa--but if it goes too far, there could be trouble. Perhaps legal trouble for the teacher if you're under 18. It's possible the teacher is worried about that. There's been much in the media about this very same issue.
Like I said, I feel all positive teacher/student interactions are healthy, and I think a kind regard for a student for a teacher--and vice versa--is healthy.
But when a line is crossed, then it might become unhealthy.
12 Sep 2015, 11:00 am
Darci,
As others have suggested, get interested in other people or activities.
I wonder if your hyperfocus on this person is a special case of the "special interest" that Aspies are said to have. If that makes sense to you, see if you can become interested in something that is not a person. A pet, a field of study, a skill you are working to develop, a type of music...
It might also just be a tendency to obsess, and as one person suggested, medication might make that a lot easier for you.
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A finger in every pie.
12 Sep 2015, 11:33 am
My situation for the past 2 years has been with my English teacher, Mrs. W. The first day I met her in 2013, when I was going into the 10th grade, I knew I was going to love her. I knew this because of her personality and how pretty she was. She was in her late 40's and I loved having her for a teacher. I took an interest in her and she took an interest in me. In the spring of 2014 she even took me shopping and to eat! It was a great night and it meant a lot that she would spend time with me like that. And in the summer she bought me lunch a couple of times!
At the end of the school year, I was placing all of my eggs in one basket. Mrs. W was my only source of happiness. Every day after school I would go to her room and just hang out with her, even when she was busy. I hated going home because I wasn't with her and I loved school only because of her.
Then in 11th grade I was kind of glad I wasn't going to have her as my teacher because maybe the attachment wouldn't be so bad. My counselor talked with me about all-or-nothing, like, our relationship didn't have to be nothing, and it didn't have to be so extremely close, but somewhere in the middle. This helped some and I quit going to her room every day because I knew that was feeding into my obsession/attachment.
I was mad at Mrs. W a lot over small stuff but I felt so infatuated with her at the same time. And then in October of 2014 she even took me to her house which was awesome!!
And now as a senior I have her for English again. I don't like her intern, so I've been struggling in her class. And I just don't like the way she talks to me sometimes. (Mrs. W) What I want from Mrs. W is for her to comfort me when I'm upset, to love on me, but I just get an "I'm sorry" when I tell her something that's wrong and it makes me upset that I don't get more than that. I'm trying to work on that! And I want her to know EVERYTHING about me and understand EVERYTHING about me. She knows a LOT, like the fact that I have Aspergers and basically everything else like my family life and my past, etc.
I feel like our relationship has definitely gotten healthier, like it's not a 0 or 100, but somewhere in the middle, so that's good. But there's so many things I want to fix. I'm jealous when she's hanging outside of school with her teacher friends because it's not me. I'm jealous when she talks and laughs with another student because it's not me. I'm upset when I don't get the kind of comforting I want from her. I dream of her being my mom. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't like me when I KNOW she loves me a whole lot. I just want the strong attachment to go away. I always pray that it will but for the past 2 years God just hasn't seemed to answer it or care.
What can I do? I hate when my head feels this way, like overwhelmed with just Mrs. W. I need help!! I have a therapist but I need other input. Have any of you ever been way too attached to someone? What have you done to overcome it?
~Darci
This leads me to a rather personal, but relevant question. Do you have a relationship with your mother? I know from experience that either a bad/non-existent relationship or loss in this area does crazy things to a young mind as it relates to attachments.
I only ask because I have had similar issues but with males, which I attribute to having been abandoned by my father at 8yrs old. I have a brother but we were always very different, so I always found myself feeling severely in need of same-sex companionship due to the ability to relate on that level and to fill an emotional void. I could not tell your gender from your post- so this may not apply to you, apologies if so please don't be offended.
But I still struggle. I have always had one friend that I was inseparable from. This has happened three times. The first two stopped when I was disrespected in unacceptable ways from these people and the choices, to me, were to either cut them, off or hurt them. I chose the former.
I am currently trying to cope with my friend of 15 years having a child and moving out of state and am struggling badly. I've tried to rationalize away these feelings by trying to understand that this is not personal and a regular (albeit difficult and often disappointing) part of life. I focus on myself and things I enjoy. And when necessary, try to challenge the idolization of this person by mentally pointing out to myself their shortcomings. This is to knock them down a level. Not to them, or to think less of them, but to get things in a more reasonable perspective for my own mental health, which has to be my priority.
Im also still struggling with the loss of said friends' father 3yrs ago- who was the closest thing I ever knew to a father myself. This attachment will never fully heal. And sometimes we just have to bear these burdens the best we can.
I guess my point is two-fold. Firstly trying to get to the bottom of why this particular attachment is there is crucial in my opinion. Trying to treat the symptom without knowing the cause is always less effective. It's like throwing darts at a dart board- you may get lucky, but you probably will just keep trying and trying. I've always been a firm proponent of introspective tracing things to their root causes. It helps me form better strategies to attack said issue. It's an imperfect way to approach it, but has mostly helped.
Secondly, find the thought pattern that helps you get to a better ability to cope. It doesnt have to be fair or totally rational because it's only in your mind. As an example. Imagine a personality trait that you dislike. Not one you cant stand, not one you cant be around, just one you dislike. Dishonestly. Greed. Shallowness. whatever it is. Then mentally impart this image onto your teacher, even if it not true. This may create less of an attachment because you will idolize this person less. This is a good thing. While it is healthy to be close to someone, even love somone, it isn't when it's applied in a disproportionate or inappropriate way.
This method may not be text-book psychologically sound at all. Just my own methods. And just a suggestion. Hope there is at least something you can take from it.
