First Diagnostic Interview in 3 days!

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Ah, I find it kind of weird to think I am finally starting the evaluation process. For months I have been googling obsessively and being annoying on these forms with questions, just trying to understand why I am so different. So desperately wanting a diagnosis that explains me. Anyway I figured I should write a new and updated "what's different about me" testimonial to read to the psychologist on Tuesday. And I also figured if I was going to write one I might as well put it on Wrong Planet for people to discuss, so here we go.

I don't even know how to begin this. I guess if I had to describe my issues in one word it would be misunderstood. I am not one of those people who can't understand sarcasm. I am not one of those people who only talks about there obsessive interests. I am not one of those people who can't read people at all or very little. I am not one of those people who was no sense of humor. But yet, for some reason I still don't fully understand, I just can't figure out how to connect. I feel like everyone else got some class of how to be a person that I missed. Not even just with socializing either. I find it hard to put what I am thinking into words so I am going to break everything down into different categorizes.

Academics: I have always been a fast reader. Reading words just comes so easy too me, in third grade I won a contest against the whole school, all grades (up to 5th) of who could read the most words. I guess that's always been a relief area for me, because I suck at most everything else. My handwriting has always been terrible. I suck at math. I find understanding the concepts and remembering what to do to be ridiculously hard. I have a particular hatred for geometry. I find understanding and seeing the shapes to be hard. When I say "seeing the shapes" I mean understanding how the cube is made up, and all the forms that make the cube (it's like that with all shapes I am just using the cube as a example). I have always been anxious for gym class. I have a hard time with anything remotely related to that. Understanding the spatial relationships of everything is really hard for me. I get tired easily, I am dreadfully uncoordinated. Getting yelled at in PE has, and still is, part of life for me. In 7th grade I made the mistake of doing football. The only reason I did football was because I had this stupid idea at the time, that most males did sports and I would be outcasted if I didn't do sports. I could never figure out how to get my football uniform on, knowing how to tie everything and all that, so that pissed the coaches off. I couldn't understand or remember any of the plays, when they said go here and do this (thats figurative speech) I had no idea where to go and what to do, so that pissed the coaches off. It was like I could hear the words they were saying, I could see what they were doing, but I couldn't comprehend any of it. And no for the love of fuc*ing god, it wasn't that I wasn't paying attention. And really, it's like that in most of my classes, especially math and science. Like they will say in order to solve this do x, y, and z, but it is so hard for me to process the concepts. Which to the teachers, looks like I am not paying attention or don't care, and that is usually not the case. While math is the hardest, I am not spared in most other classes. In science I take forever to understand the concepts and I hate labs because you have to pick stuff up and remember and process instructions and move stuff and put stuff in stuff, way to much visual spatial demands for me. History is usually a relief class for me. Because in History all we had to do, was remember stuff. We usually didn't have to understand any big concepts or anything, just remember this information. Especially last year, in 8th grade. Because last year the teacher put a quizlet that had all the information we needed to know on the web, so I could take the quizelt like 3 times, and get a 90 on the test. I was kinda amazed how most of the other kids didn't do as good as I did, but then in math class those same kids would look at me like "really? You don't get this". That's not to say I have a good memory necessarily, I have a good memory once what I need to know is shown to me and laid out straightforwardly. Like in sometimes in history I will do worst than most of the kids because there was no list or quizlet of what I needed to know. It was take notes of what you need to know and I hate that cause unless it's highlighted I am not going to know what is more important and whats not so I just wrote everything down. Remembering things that are not in a list or a straightforward study guide is hard for me. It blows my mind how most of the other kids can just get things I have to try and remember and understand so badly. I hate short answer questions because I need to hear or see the answer to remember it. I hate using anything that requires motor or visual spatial skills. Like scissors, can openers, nail clippers, any of that crap is anxiety provoking and hard for me. It is like some places I look like a genius and others I look like a idiot. Like in debate class they have us write a journal entry each day where we come up with a case for a certain topic. And I always do really good at that, like the teacher just goes "wow someone made use of his journal time" because I typed up with a long wordy argument in a few minutes where everyone else couldn't come close to what I did. But then in Math I don't understand crap. Again, I hear what the teacher is saying, I see what the teacher is doing, I just don't comprehend it. My thinking skills are seemingly unbalanced.

Social: Socializing has never made sense to me. I had to do pre k twice because the first year I refused to talk to anyone. I talked to my parents a lot apparently but when I went to pre k, I was dead silent. I have always and probably will forever be odd. Being weird and not "getting it" has just become a part of life. Usually every school I went to (and I went to a lot, I'll get to that later) I had sometimes more, sometimes less, one friend. But I was never popular. I honestly can't remember how my interactions where when I was younger. But now, I have a best friend. I constantly worry about his loyalty but he is a friend nonetheless (i think he is at least lol). He is definitely neurotypical (he has ADHD but it is not bad). We both make fun of the other kids at school (the popular douche ones) and the pep rally's and popular culture and stuff like that. We even have a podcast we do every Friday where we talk about different topics and stuff. But even interaction with him is not easy. I worry about what I am going to say and can I make conversation, (though he usually has something he wants to talk about so I worry about that less with him) and I sometimes worry about if what I am saying is appropriate or coming across the way I want it to. Like one time I annoyed him because I kept going on about why the christian bible is ridiculous. In class I am either extremely shy and anxious or obnoxious and hyper. If there is someone in the class I am fully comfortable with I get ridiculously obnoxious and hyper. I will take jokes too far or find someway to make fun of everything that happens. And while most of the kids in the class find it annoying some think I am the funniest person they have ever met, but even they sometimes say I go too far. Honestly at this point I have learned to embrace my unique ability to be politically incorrect and piss people off. Since I hate most of the kids at my school anyway, why not?

I absolutely have to have isolation time. I need it to function. Being absolutely alone is the only thing that makes me feel completely at ease. I hate and love being isolated at the same time. I desperately want social interaction, but at the same time I only want so much of it. So it's like when I am isolated I get lonely after a while, but then when I have to go and be in a social situation I can't wait to be alone again. That's not to say I don't enjoy socalizing. Like me and the friend I mentioned before and one of my friends, and a mutual friend when to the movies recently, and I enjoyed it, but if we had went to each others houses, after a few hours or so (more or less) I would begin to crave isolation. Don't let that many uses of the word friend referring to different people give you the wrong impression. I, at the moment have 2, (maybe 3, not sure if he actually likes me or not) people who I consider friends. I mean I have acquaintances who are cool, but as far as people I actually talk to, that's it. One of them I mentioned I talk to often, (not always willing though he kinda calls me and I am too anxious to say "I don't feel like talking to you") and the other one I will text sometimes about technology news and stuff and very occasionally go over to his house, but that's it really.

I feel like everyone else has this established idea of what is right and wrong, or how they should act, and what relationships are to them, that I just can't understand. Like the friend I talk to often says I "fall in love with every girl that talks to me for more than 10 seconds" and he is right I do. I don't understand how that type of relationship is supposed to work. I just know that a boy dates a girl (I have never had a girlfriend or come close to that btw). But that applies to more than just dating, even friendships I don't really get how there supposed to work. With a lot of people it is like I will make them laugh in class but if they try to have a normal conversation with me in class, I fall apart. I just don't get what is appropriate and what isn't and how you go back and forth and what you are supposed to talk about.

Don't get the wrong idea, I don't really act like a stereotypical aspie. I know not to say everything that comes to my mind and have a understanding (below average understanding, but a understanding nonetheless) of what you should and shouldn't say. I love gossip. I can talk to other people I like and sometimes it feels normal. We will laugh at things, complain about things, etc. But actually making a relationship beyond the classroom is hard for me. Me and my mom have a similar sense of humor and laugh together and talk about things. Like I SEEM decently normal. Maybe a little eccentric but most people wouldn't suspect aspergers when talking to me, with the exception of my dad and stepmom who I am more of my socially inept, socially isolated, self around. I am highly sarcastic, and while I have a tendency to take things literally, and I would say I am more literal minded than average, but to say I have extreme difficulty with sarcasm or figurative language in general would be inaccurate. My voice can be kinda flat sometimes but there's definitely substance to it and it's not monotonous. Also I got in a lot of trouble for bullying in the 5th grade. While I have been bullied my whole life, I was actually a bully for a period of time. I was friends with this "bad" kid who got in trouble a lot. And we started ding don ditching and making fun of this kid because he acted "gay or feminine" (god I hate myself for ever doing that) . I just wasn't thinking when I did it. I feel guilty about it to this day, though I don't go to that school anymore. I have moved schools all my life, almost every year up until 6th grade. My parents split in 2nd grade and too make a long story short, I was exposed to a lot of screaming, moving houses, constantly etc. That is probably why I have a lot of the anxiety I do now. I do misinterpret non verbal signals sometimes, thinking people don't like me o mad at me when there not, but to say I "lack" non verbal communication is wrong. Sometimes it does not work for me the way it should like this girl who talks to me sometimes came up to me in the hallway and said "hey" and I said "hiii" awkwardly, I knew I said it awkwardly, but I didn't mean to. She goes "why are you being awkward" I go "I am always awkward" then she goes "yeah but even more so" . I am aware other people have emotions, but I find it hard to understand how to respond to them. So I give off unintended signals and offend people even when I am not trying to. Like if someone is sad, I know the right thing to say, but it comes off weird. Or like one time this girl asked me how her video was (I was on the broadcasting team at my school so people think I am good at that stuff) and I thought it was fine, but the way I said it was good came out awkwardly leading her to think I didn't like it, when I did. I get uncomfortable when people compliment me because I don't know how to respond. So yeah other people's emotions confuse me and sometimes, because of my inability to click with people, I get a "screw them" mentality and sometimes feel like I am the only "real" person I know. I scored 20 on the empathy quotient and yes I have a odd use of empathy. Sometimes, I just don't care. Example: I was mowing the lawn, and forgot to close the gate. So the dog got out and we couldn't find it. And yes, honestly I did not care the dog was gone. My first question to my stepmom was "am I in trouble?" as I was worried I would get grounded. I later that day said "well maybe the dog does not want to come back" I said it sarcastically/feciciously (spelling is hard) and I didn't even consider my step moms feelings. So the next day we were in the car and I looked at my stepmom's face, it looked like she was about to burst into tears. So I said "did something happen?" and she said "yeah, I lost my dog, she was apart of my family" personally I don't get that since nobody ever interacted with it other than feeding or yelling at it but I was silent, she proceeded to tell me how I simply just don't care about other people and that it's not my fault, I just don't care. And I didn't like hearing that, but thinking back on it, she is right, I have to force myself to pretend to care.

Sometimes eye contact can be painful, or I will force it and it will make both of us uncomfortable. I don't know if your supposed to just stare at them or look away for a little then come back or what. But I don't do the sterotypical aspie "always looking down" thing I, I can usually pass as normal and honestly a lot of the time I don't even have to try it is just natural. But particularity, in emotionally intense situations, I suck at it.

Other stuff: I still, and always have, hand flapped. My mom said I would look at the ceiling fan when I did it when I was little. Now I do it while looking at the time code of the song I am listening to, I like how the time code is moving and stuff, I don't know why, I just do. I hand flap while doing other things too, but in public I can usually control it by clenching my fists. I also will rub my fingers over textures I like. I also will repeatedly smell certain things I like. I also sometimes kinda "flop" on my bed (one time a hurt myself doing that but only once it is 99% of the time not a problem), and I always do it when excited. I have always had obsessions. From space, to aliens in area 51, and now if I have aspergers or not. I am always obsessed with something. I don't know what it is like to just enjoy something, if I like it, I become obsessed. That's not to say I don't have interest's that I am not fascinated in. Like if I watch youtube I will watch a variety of videos about different things and not become obsessed with everything. I have been frequently told I am talking too loud, it is not really a constant problem, it just annoys people sometimes, but usually it is not a issue.
I have bad social anxiety. I get anxious when I talk about things I like. I get anxious when there's awkward silences. I get anxious when people are fighting. My worst anxiety is anticipatory anxiety. Like if I am going to my friend's house, I will worry non stop about it, then once it happens and I get comfortable, it is usually a lot better, but can be temporary reactivated if I do something weird. Or one time I actually pissed my pants at my friends house because I was too anxious to ask my friend who was in the bathroom if there was another one I could go too.
I have bad anxiety of new situations. Like I was supposed to go to math tutoring but didn't just because it would be breaking my usual schedule. I felt intense anxiety that my routine would be changed. I also just fear new situations in general.
I would say I am oversensitive to some bright lights and noises, and touches. Like in bed I have to put my computer chair in front of my bed because all of the little LED lights in my room make sleeping impossible. Also certain lights from some angles are bad for me. I am over sensitive to noise kinda. Like one time we were in science class and everyone had to get into groups of 3 and get a laptop and watch some videos on it. But we didn't have headphones so everyone in the class had videos going at the same time, And no one else in the class seemed to mind, but I was having a hard time, I had to really push through it and cover my ears sometimes.
Also I don't like being touched, especially in the legs. It's like a simple touch is the equivalent of a tickle for me. But with that said, my sensory problems don't really impair my functioning, there more of just a annoyance there definitely not severe.

I don't know how relevant this is but I love music, rap in particular. I listen to it constantly. When I say constantly, I mean constantly.

Also I was diagnosed with OCD mainly because of me constantly worrying about how I was coming across to other people. I only have obsessions no compulsions (or very few compulsions). I went through a phase where everything I owned had ot be the same brand, particularly technology. So I had to buy certain phones/tablets just because I needed them to all be the same brand. I am over that now but sometimes I have to fight that urge still. Also one particular compulsion is when I am in the car I often have to fight the urge to not put my phone out the window, and sometimes I fail though I have never dropped the phone. But other than that I don't really have compulsions. I guess my main OCD thing is evaluating my friendships and stuff. I also will get disturbing images in my head of like my parents dropping my baby brother and his head bursting open when there playing with him and stuff, and that kinda sucks lol. I wonder if I actually have OCD or if it's just a Aspergers OCD type thing. Also I am extremely forgetful, lazy, and I procrastinate a lot and need reminders on my phone to remember chores and stuff. Also I DON'T have good rote memory. I would say my memory is actually, in general pretty bad.

I desperately want to meet someone who views everything the same way I do. Or not necessarily the same way but, like, I guess, someone who does not understand or get everyone else either if that makes sense.

So yeah I guess that's it. There's definitely more I could say but I don't want this to become unorganized (or more than it already is).

If any of you have ever seen the movie "Rain Man" I feel like my personality is best described as a combination of the two main characters.

So yeah I am going to read that to the psychologist on Tuesday but I definitely want your guys thoughts. Yes I know a diagnosis can only be made by a professional but your opinions of what you think is most likely or if you can relate to some of it would be nice.

Well, it's good you took WP's advice and have decided to see a psychologist about your concerns. None of us could give you the answers you needed so hopefully the psychologist will address them.