To put it in words

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It's late, I'm tired, feeling depressed. This is incredibly self serving. This is a bad idea. Here it is.

Imagine yourself in a room, and in this room are two people.
One of them, in some metaphysical way, is dead. They’re still living, they can still talk, and breathe. They even have thoughts being flung up into the air, waiting to be used. But they can’t use them, they can’t make decisions, only you can, through them.
The other person is someone you care about. You’ve interacted with this person through the dead one for days, years, and you’ve realized through those subtle hints that we all know exist but rarely recognize that this person is a truly remarkable person. You know this person is an amazing human being, but you just want to know more about them, and them about you. And you have nothing else to do in your life, but sit in the dead body of someone else, and use their thoughts, their words to communicate your meaning. You yearn to extend yourself towards them, to show you who you are, what you feel and what you feel about them.
Imagine how frustrating it is, to never be able to say what you really mean. You can never truly communicate what you’re trying to communicate. But you keep trying, because what else is there to do? Eventually, you’ve become so used to using this method that sometimes you already know what your options are. You already know that the dead person you’re inside doesn’t want to drink coffee without milk, doesn’t like to use metaphors, and loves to play the hero. You’re so involved in becoming this person, in understanding and best using these words and thoughts because you want your friend to know who YOU are.
But who are you?
The person you’re in loves playing the hero. Do you? Sometimes, sometimes not. Is the sometimes because you’re used to being this other person? Is the sometimes not a backlash to that? When you make the person want to be the hero, even though you don’t, are you lying? The person you’re in wants children someday. Do you? The person you’re inside would never hurt a child to save an adult, but you would? Which one is right, and which one is you? How will you ever be able to tell?
What if you were that person all along? Or perhaps, what if you were never in control? This person has been alive the entire time, but you thought you were the one directing things. Maybe you’re simply insane, and you’ve been that person all along pretending you weren’t? Or maybe it is all real, and in the effort of showing this beautiful, important person who you are, you’ve lost all concept of yourself?
What do you do? Your friend needs your help, and above all else you want to help them. You only have one way of doing that. So you go back into it. You forget all the problems of yourself, because your friend needs help.
But you keep coming back to it, and you know that no matter what, you will never know the answer. But you notice that in those rare, rare occasions where you have the thing you REALLY wanted to say available, your friend doesn’t react well. Doesn’t react well to you. You start obsessing about it even more, whilst at the same time trying even harder to be this other person, because that rejection hurt so much. But do you even really care about them at all? Maybe you only feel like you care about them because this dead person does. And by doing all this, by even carrying out the act of trying to talk to this person you love, are you lying to them about who you are? Betraying their trust? They care about who you’re pretending to be, but not who you are.
The friend is the world, the dead person is personality, and you are me. This is how I feel.

Thoughts will be appreciated when I wake up.