Hello everyone,
I wanted to share my story with this community with the intention to give those with AS and/or STPD some hope. Though my story does not have a personal happy ending, I am happy to share so you will know you are lovable and capable of being loved.
He, I will call W. I am C. Grown adults, each been married and with children. W is self dx AS, and clinical dx "traits" of STPD, however, to me, he is full blown Schizotypal. On a variety of Anti-psychotic's and anti-depressant. Co-morbids: Major depression, Alcoholism. He embraced his AS though minimizes the STPD. It was very difficult to communicate with him in the relationship, (I'm NT) however, there was such great affection for each other. He is a genius: holds 3 degrees and studying for a fourth. But, has never been able to stay gainfully employed, despite having high level jobs. Smoked pot for 20 years to deal with it all, graduating to Alcohol which took him down hard. 4 re-habs, in and out of AA for 12 years. I met him 6 months after most recent rehab. Was doing well, following medical advice, making a few friends. We met, fell in love. Then it all died when his mother and father (father mainly) decided to exert extreme control over him.
Bribed him to return to his home city, despite his telling me he had no future there and no friends. Wealthy family, offered to support him while he returned to college. Seeking a mental health counseling degree. He already has an MD. Gave him access to his beloved family home that he inherited, pays all his bills and they both dislike me. Though we never met. He does not want a woman in his son's life, it seems. Despite W's sincere desire to have friends and a relationship. So, the father convinced him that I, too suffer from a PD. Specifically, Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems he had done this before with W and a prior relationship. Because W is very inexperienced with relationships, and lacks the skills of "reading" a woman, her face, feelings, behaviors, he believes whatever his father says. Because, his parents are his only source of support. Despite the fact his father was a tyrant his whole life who never showed love, affection, care as a child. I've read some of W's college papers where he relates all of this.
So, as an adult, the parents wish to control his personal life. Partly, to prevent W from relapsing I'm sure. When he was using drugs and drinking, it caused a lot of pain for the family. Other part is to control his estate from falling into the hands of a strong woman. Where do I get this from? Another relative. Who the father has done the same thing to. Only failed because they could not be swayed by money.
I love this man. I striven very hard to learn the language of Asperger's and to understand the Schizotypal. It was very frightening, and many, many mis-communications. But he is a genuine, good man. Today, he lives a life of isolation, no friends, only angry, bitter parents in their mid seventies who suck the life from him. And pay his bills in exchange. He is no victim, he has a choice to allow this enabling. We've discussed it many times. But until he is out of his own denial, nothing will change. He is convinced I am emotionally unstable due to the influence of his parents and hates me. He told me early on that his greatest fear was a woman who would be "tyranical". Like his own mother. So, the father has played on that fear and made it his truth.
I want to share a snippet of a letter he sent me just before this all began. For the NT's who read here, I hope this will help you understand the good people who have AS and/or STPD really, truly do have feelings and emotions.
"As you rightly (and truly) pointed out, my schizotypal deal is there. And, being a personality disorder, there just about nothing I can do about it. The medication does alleviate some of the outward (and inward) symptoms of the schizotypal disorder, but it does not eliminate them. And, that being true, eventually, anyone I come close to eventually gets puzzled enough and frustrated enough that they (she) eventually leave, citing some or another 'personal' reason, i.e., whatever whatever. Which is always a lie, and I know it.
You, for some reason, are still here. I know, (I know), I am the one who tries to make you feel better by saying... "I am still here." But, I must admit, you still being here, does make me feel better. You are still here...
I feel so broken sometimes, like no one cares, or understands. You may not understand, but I do believe (finally) that you care. How could I not after these last few days followed up by your letter to me?
So, thank you for remaining after the others have left. Very much. Thank you. Thank you for not abandoning me. I almost can't believe it.
As I said, I am groggy, and need to sleep. But I just wanted to write again, as if to make some sort of contact, before the morning, before the events of tomorrow begin.
This is not, of course, the 'letter' and 'response' I promised to write. This is just a quick "I can't sleep" stab at connection. It does get lonely here (wherever I am) in my head. I do believe you are the first to try, and try again, to get through to me and to maintain contact and a personal connection. I really do appreciate that.
So, thank you for staying with me, and trying again. Not everyone (almost nobody) would care enough to make the effort.
Ok. That's all. I gotta go to bed. I'll write more tomorrow.
Love,"
My heart is completely broken. But, I wanted you to know that there are women, and men, who will make the effort to love you and learn your language. And, I wanted the NT's here to know that Aspie's/PD's are certainly loving, lovable and good people.
My love to you all.
C
03 Oct 2015, 4:53 pm
