Being Friends with Someone with Aspergers

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I do not have aspergers (that I am aware of), but I do have two very good friends with it. However, sometimes I feel like our friendship is a bit one sided, when it comes to contact. I think it might just be me reading into things wrong, but I wanted to get a second opinion.

Both of my friends have told me they have fun when we are together, but they never write me or ask me to do anything with them. I always have to initiate out get togethers. I was wondering if this is something common to aspergers. I know that many people with it have trouble understanding social "norms".

But sometimes I wonder if they just don't want to hang out, and if I'm disrupting them. But they both always seem really happy when we get together. I even asked one of my friends (the one that I'm closer to, who I probably spend more time with than any of my other friends, aspergers or not) if I bug him when I ask him to do stuff. And he just said, "feel free to bug me", and smiled. And when I didn't see him for a week once, he seemed practically overjoyed at seeing me, and was more outgoing than I've ever seen him before. Sometimes he will even suggest activities he thinks might be fun, but he will wait for me to invite him.

Does anyone have any opinions on whether I should keep asking my friends to do stuff, or should I wait for them to ask me? Or maybe ask less? And have you ever not known when to contact someone you were friends with? Sorry for always having such long posts. I can't seem to keep them short. :p

Aspies tend not to be the greatest "initiators."

I guess it stems from Aspies really liking solitude, time with themselves.

They might have difficulties with the "give and take" involved in making plans--it might not come naturally to them, and they might feel embarrassed and ashamed about their "difficulties" in this area.

I don't think it's any reflection on you. As long as you have fun with them, and they contribute to the good time, I don't think it really matters who does the initiating.

Of course, obviously, I would be flattered if somebody would want to get together with me. I could understand your irritation at the "one-sidedness" of the whole thing.

They probably have difficulty asking--and they might not want to be told how to ask.

I don't think it's common for people to hang out with somebody out of pity. Think about it objectively. Reality-test yourself.

In particular the friend you spend most of the time with simply seems to have a particular way of communicating.

It may simply not be in him to ask you, but as you say, he is overjoyed at seeing you, and he would probably be really disappointed if you stopped to "bug" him or even reduced the frequency of the "bugging". Undoubtedly you're his best friend.

My closest friends and colleagues bar one are probably all aspies. We all work in the software industry. I have a special relationship with the one neurotypical colleague/friend. Firstly I really appreciate that he is comfortable being around me, and doesn't lose patience in my presence, and secondly he helps me to be at peace with the world, reminding me that the world is not quite as black and white as it often seems from an autistic perspective.

I agree with kraftiekortie, it can be an aspie thing to be not very good at/ kind of forget to initiate, and that failing may arise from just getting caught up in one's own solitary pursuits. This kind of lack of knowing how to take turns at social initializing is something I know I've been awful about, all my life. I may like the person and genuinely enjoy time with them -- I just kind of forget to suggest the next meet-up and such. I'm so into my own time and my own stuff that it's easy to never think about how long it's been since I last saw a friend.

It's very hard for me to remember the "give and take" in a friendship, regarding making plans, just as kraftie says. Try not to take it personally when your spectrum friends do the same thing. Since one of them made it clear he welcomed you "bugging" him, I think that's a good sign indeed. I can only say that for me it's almost about "forgetting" how long I haven't contacted someone and made plans with them.

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"Losing time -- yes, that too for me, EmeraldGreen -- it can be like time sort of stops and it almost seems like that last event wasn't that long ago, to me. That's another way of putting it.

Have you told them "I would like you to initiate contact sometimes"? In those words. No hints, because we suck at hints, no matter how obvious you might think you're being. Because they might not realise that that's something you want.

I'm an Aspie. My NT friend has complained many times about being the initiator too. But when I ring her and suggest a dinner, a movie, a theatre, a coffee, a walk, or just time together; she's always busy with friends, going someplace for the weekend, partying with friends or family, or having time out to herself.

So I've dropped the attempts for the most part.
I'll just send a text "would you like to do X this weekend?". Sometimes she'll reply, sometimes she won't.

Also; I have many projects ongoing at any one time. A two day weekend is just way too short to get my projects done. So when I do have a coffee with her Saturday morning, I won't get home until 10am, by which time I'm 3 hours behind in the things I was looking forward to do today.

I've noticed that while NT's have things they want to do, they have no drive to do them. Years will go by and they'll still be saying "I'm going to do this and this and this".
Whereas I have a driving need to get my projects done, and I only have a couple hours each evening, or two days a week inwhich to do my projects. I never have enough time.

Taking 3 hours out of a weekend destroys half the day. But I do need and enjoy the company. So I'm not complaining. I'm just stating the differences between NT's and Aspies time management.

Who_Am_I, I have tried this tact with the friend in question, and unfortunately they had no point of reference for understanding this offer other than taking it as an insult that I didn't feel like reciprocating.....very coincidentally, I am meeting with said friend tomorrow night after a major falling out we had over this same issue of 'not hanging out enough' - after a silence of 2 years. If I can convince them I have actually been 'there' for them all along - though just not physically - maybe I will have my friend back.

Bird_in_Flight, I'm relieved to hear someone else experiences this 'losing time.' Unfortunately, that seems to take a terrible toll on friendships, like nothing else. Though I experience this on so many other levels, too....