My Mental Health Story

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Here is my whole mental health story. You guys can post your mental health story's also if you want. But anyway here is mine. Obviously I don't expect you guys to read all of it, but if ya want to, here ya go.


I think to a extent everyone thinks there weird or different. But that mentality (I guess you could call it) has been with me forever. Even before everything got f****d up with my parents. I was a weird kid. My dad says I never had any imagination. Like never. Didn't like to play imaginary games or whatever the f**k kids typically do. I had and always will have motor skill problems. Hated and always will hate sports, drawing, all that motor skill building s**t. That right there always and still does make me feel different. But back then I didn't know what it was. Or hell up to recently I didn't know what it was. Never really even thought about what it was, just so focused on not looking stupid, trying desperately (and often failing) to keep up. I never would even say "I can't do it" or "I just need more help" it was always just listening to lectures and saying the usual "I'm paying attention, I'm trying" type s**t. I can even remember being talked down to becuase i couldn't tie my shoes or for christ sake even put jeans and a shirt on the right way. That s**t was probably the beginning of me developing my "f**k everyone else" mentality. I mean it was either "well I am just below everybody" or "why do I give a f**k about them? But usually as a younger kid I just kinda tried to awkwardly get through it. But I was odd in more ways than just motor skills. I always (and still do) flap my hands when I get excited. My parents always said I was gonna fly away one day lol. I would start crying in the middle of the night because i was afraid a robber or something would come in my window and kill me. That actually went on until like 6th grade now that i think about it. Or as a kid I had this weird f*****g fear of birds. I would freak the absolute f**k out whenever they like fly down in a pack or whatever it's called. I'm pretty alright with birds now i guess lol. As far as friends and s**t go i usually had one best friend at every school i went to. I would go over to there house semi regularly (some more than others). But i waa never popular. I was always obsessed with something which probably helped me cope. At one point it was space then it was video games, there was always something. As far as school goes I always read really well. Which kinda made me feel good back then cause I sucked at all the other s**t. So I kinda lived as the quirky kid with a few friends up until I was 8 years old. At that age, my dad got caught with kiddie porn at work. Thank f*****g god I was at school when the police came. I think my dad spent like a day in jail but nothing more than that. My grandfather had a lot of money so my dad never did any jail time for it. He claims it was his ocd were he downloaded a porn pack (I guess you could call it that just sounds so f*****g akward lol) that had a tiny bit (guess he likes it tiny) (okay that wasn't funny) of child porn and was mostly just regular porn but he couldn't just delete the kiddie porn becuase the pack would be complete and his ocd would go crazy. (He hasn't been diagnosed with ocd but from personal expirence I can say he is definetly on the ocd spectrum or some s**t) I actually believe that story in all honesty. He definitely had a weird obsession with sex but I just could never see him liking kids like that. I mean, the pack barely bad any child porn and he passed a polygraph and he definetly is weird with ocd. But whether he liked kids or not isn't the point. It completely f****d up everything. My mom and dad broke up, I wasn't legally allowed to see my dad for I think like 8 months? I honestly don't remember. But I ended up living back and forth with my mom and grandparents back and forth. The reason for the back and forth was that my mom fought and got back together with her boyfriend constantly for a few years. Moving in and out. It was f****d up for sure, and it took a toll on me for sure. Having to deal with the fighting, my dads situation, etc. I moved from a catholic school to a sh***y one in my moms boyfriends neighborhood. I don't think I had a best friend there but I could be wrong. Not once did I see a friend after school though. That was third grade. The next school year we moved in with my aunt. Eventually about half way through the year my mom and aunt/uncle had a huge fight and we moved back in with my grandparents. I then went to school in the sh***y school by there house. The first year I was there was pretty decent. But the next year (5th grade) was a hard one. I had this friend who wasn't too great of a influence I guess you could say. We would ding dong ditch and eventually started bullying this kid. God I feel terrible about that now. We called him gay and made a YouTube video about him and got in trouble. I got in trouble for bullying a couple kids later that year. I don't think I ever really... I don't know. I want to say I never meant to do anything bad but I don't know if that's true. But yeah that kid definelty was a bad influence. I remember I went to one of the kids I bullied house and apologized. So after that, my parents decided I should go live with my dad and his girlfriend (who was my moms boyfriends ex wife.. Yeah lol) at the time (I think) since there school district was nice. And yeah it was nice. I wasn't the only white kid anymore. I'm not racist or anything but being the only white kid feels weird. The home life was also very different. My mom was like my pal. I watched TV with her and we were like friends kinda I guess. I mean she still acted like a mom to a point but we were definelty closer to being friends than me and my dad. My stepmom (then my dad's girlfriend) I never really had any type of "pal" type relationship with. They acted more like, traditional parents I guess than my mom. Since I didn't have much of a "pal" relationship with my dad and step mom I retreated to my room all the time. I mean, I had done that before but never to the extent of what I started doing it. It was like I never had any social contact. Just a video game. At school I got into less trouble though I did I have a few bumps in the road with that. I had another new best friend who was kinda questionable but it never got as bad as 5th grade was. I saw my mom on the weekends and he lived with her boyfriend and they were fighting and moving out less (though it still happened). The isolation live style probably didn't help anything. Again I had like one friend I saw after school like always. I started seeing a counselor becuase I couldn't talk to my dad about his child porn incident. Like they asked me about it and I just wouldn't say anything. I just felt weirdly anxious. The consuler visits were kinda nice in the beginning but eventually we just stopped having s**t to talk about. I went on with the isolation lifestyle pretty chill with being alone really. But around 8th I had a breakdown. I started getting really depressed. Started fantasizing about a drug addiction or suicide just as a cry for help. I never would have killed myself, it was always just a cry for help. I guess during this my and sometimes before it my ocd would try and find ways to cope and that got bad sometimes. Like I would spend hours researching phone brands cause i had to have the brands the same. And I had some other weird obessions. I also would get anxiety in some social situations. Participatory anxiety was always my biggest problem. Worrying about the what if's. When I got comfortable in a social situation I was actually kinda too hyper but before hand I would worry endlessly and have anxiety. The depression got so bad we went back to the consumer I hadn't seen in months and he recommended I see a psychiatrist. So quite a few months go by (with a hospital visit for anxiety in between) and we go in to the evaluation. The lady said she thought I had ocd with worrying constantly and depression. So a month goes by and they give me Zoloft. And that kinda helped. Helped me feel better with depression. Didn't do much with anxiety really. But I still felt lonely since I barely left my room. I felt like my dad and step mom (s mom especially) were stuck up and didn't show enough emotion towards me. They kinda had a tough love attitude with the hole situation and didn't really show me much empathy through all the mental health problems. I think they did legitimately care but they just didn't show it in a healthy way. My isolation continued and it just kept going, the same routine. Get up, go to school, talk to nobody, go home talk to nobody, see my mom on the weekend and then repeat. I had a few more breakdowns afterwards and the only change really was that my dosage of Zoloft would go up. They also gave me a secondary anti-anxiety pill. None of them would help much so they kept switching them. I just couldn't have a relationship step mom and dad. I just flat out didn't f*****g like them. I hated there personality, I thought they were suck up etc.And they just let me stay in my room all day. I always have had a different thinking process. I feel everything should be fair, and thats why thinks like gender roles and certain abstract culture things confuse me. I had a obsession thay i had aspergers for awhile and eventually after a psych evaluation they said i didnt have it. I just hated all the other kids and people at school. I hated there whole mentality. It just seemed like such fake BS to me. It is just so hard for me to get the social culture i was in, always saying the wrong thing, being offense, disrespectful, or looking stupid. So naturally i developed a "f**k them mentality". Now, I still have depression problems, still have anxiety problems, but somewhat to a lesser degree. I honestly just want to have a girlfriend I can feel completely comfortable with and I will be socially satisfied. I have a couple friends. One I Skype with a lot and another I text and see after school occasionally. But I'm still lonely. Like I said having that one girlfriend that is also a best friend would be all I need. Someone who thinks similarly to how I do. Recently, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel so sorry for her and try to be empathic with her. See has just always had it so hard. My dad and step mom I still don't talk to much though I have gotten better with my dad recently. I do love him definetly, he just lets his ADHD absorb him and s**t and acts stupid sometimes. But anyway, now I just try and cope with my anxiety and depression and hope to find a girl someday and I will be satisfied. I definelty could afford to see friends more also. People tell me I should try and go talk and chill with my dad and step mom more but I just don't fully know how. I probably could with my dad easier but he is at work a lot. I have also been having weird mood swings lately. Where I just hate everything and everyone and those last for a few hours usually. I don't think I would ever hurt myself. I have done stupid s**t as a cry for help during the mood swings. But really I'm decent I guess. So yeah its a work in progress right now but I am hoping I will make it and live a happy life.

You've had an interesting life. Keep going. Things can weird and hard but maybe there's a reason behind it all.

I tried medication a few times when doctors suggested it. It always made me feel terrible. When I get sad I listen to classical music or read a quiz book (learning random things helps distract me).

Something I never used to do but more recently do is exercise every day too. I've never been the kind to like exercise but it's scientifically proven to release endorphins that make you feel good. That's why every morning before I eat breakfast I do a lot of jumping jacks until my heart is racing and I'm out of breath. It's not going to make me Mr Universe but if it makes me happier it's got to be worth it!

Sorry you had to go through what you have. I hope things get better really soon.