Getting Deliberately Bad Service in Restaurants

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I've been taking stock of my life, and looking back, I noticed something that used to happen to me when I was in my early 20's, or to be exact, from age 19 to 23. At that time, I already learned to make friends, and and we went to restaurants on a semi-regular basis. However, I had bad experiences there very often. Servers would deliberately take a long time with my food and drinks, ignore me when I tried to get their attention, tell me "I'll be right with you" and take 20 minutes to come, etc. My friends, let alone adjacent tables, would always get their food before me. One server, a young woman, even stirred my food around with a knife to make it look messy and tampered with, but because she was attractive, my friends told me not to complain to the manager. The only times this behavior didn't happen is when I was on dates, but then again, I picked and chose date restaurants strategically.

Female servers my age seemed to do this most often, and I knew it was intentional, because I'd see them pick up speed when walking past my table and/or hearing me call them over. (I'd do it politely, such as "Ma'am!" or "Excuse me, I'd like ___.", only to see them avoid responding to me, so rudeness was not the reason for them acting this way.) Older women and men of all ages did this too, but less frequently, for some reason. Also, this happened most often in small, independently-owned restaurants or large single-location restaurants. It never happened in corporate chains.

Not knowing how else to push back, I started docking their tips. I'd start at the normal 15%, then subtract 1% for every ignored request or every few minutes beyond a reasonable time frame for food delivery. Given how often I was getting bad service, one person ended up with 25 cents in the end. I didn't feel guilty at all, because she was the one who made my food look messy.

As I got closer to age 30, the deliberately bad service stopped completely. If I do get bad service now, so do all the tables around me. I now tip at least 15%, slightly less for bad service, and as high as 25% for really awesome service.

So, why would those workers go out of their way to give me bad service? Did my Asperger's, and the facial expressions and social awkwardness that go with it really trigger such visceral hate in them? Enough to risk losing their tips, just to mistreat the aspie guy? How crazy is that? Also, why would young women give me deliberately bad service most often, while other demographics (men and older women) either showed restraint or didn't care about my AS?

One thing I can explain is that this behavior never happened in corporate chains is the strict control the parent corporation imposes on franchisees and their employees.

I read a book called Waiter Rant and the author wrote something interesting in it. He wrote that if you abuse the employees there or are a bad customer, they will intentionally give you bad service like they will never have anything available for you when you try to reserve a table or take too long to get your order, etc. You might just end up with a "clumsy" waiter or waitress

But if you experience any bad service, you should at least complain to management because leaving bad tips doesn't always do any good or else the waiter or waitress won't know what they are doing wrong if someone doesn't complain. Also leaving bad tips or none at all will also give you bad customer service.


It is possible it could have been your AS so it might have made you come off as rude or hostile or unfriendly and waiters or waitresses might see that as abuse or you being a bad customer, especially if you nitpick about their food that is well cooked they might have thought you were doing it to get a free meal or free things instead of the fact you were having sensory issues or the fact you have autistic preferences for food.

But because AS and autism is a invisible condition, no on working in restaurants is going to know you have it so therefore they will assume you are normal and see you as a rude or abusive customer and mistake your symptoms as such because you look normal and not different.

Note: Not everything in this post is all directed at you especially the word "you." This is all general information.


Also to add: restaurants keep track of their bad customers and restaurants communicate with each other about bad customers so they are on their alert list. These days they do it by computer.

I would not go to that restaurant again, or I would report it.

The reason the young women were the worst, is because young women in general, are the most judgemental of *everyone*.

I did nothing "rude" or "hostile". I just sit down, say hello, order my food (I often ask to leave off onions), and wait. Just like I usually do. Nothing weird. But one time, I clearly overheard my waitress say to her colleague: "His eyes! So creepy! Ugh!! !" Although in her defense, the burger came only slightly late and wasn't tampered with. Since I already knew I had a creepy face, I pretended not have heard her comment, and tipped her the usual 15%. Although, I started telling everyone I know not to patronize that restaurant, and was happy to see it close a year later.

It's very likely that's the case. But it's not logical at all you say? That's because, apparently the 'visceral hate' you mention happens 'automatically' without the NT even realizing it.

People just don't tend to be rational or logical about this sort of thing. They make ridiculous judgments and assumptions based on small gestures or facial expressions, or just how someone "looks" in general. Especially younger people who don't have the life experience yet to understand how wrong their assumptions might be. And young people judge other young people of the opposite gender the worst.

A lot of servers size customers up quickly based on how much money they think the person will give for a tip. If they think for some reason that you won't give a good tip, they don't try as hard. It's stupid, backwards logic and they basically just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One of the first things I learned in sales is you never make the assumption that a customer doesn't have much money to spend. However salespeople make these faulty assumptions all the time, and so do servers. They are watching out for people who are well-dressed and have an air of authority or successfulness about them. Young people and elderly people in general are presumed to be poor tippers.

Bottom line, a lot of young people who work as servers are just plain arrogant. It might be their first job, or their first job actually working with customers, and they think it is really beneath them to have to serve other people. They don't want to feel like they are on the bottom rung by working as a server, so by treating a few customers like dirt they get to feel like they have someone beneath them. It also gives them a sense of power to think they are choosing who deserves to get good service or not.

Is is possible that you stared without realizing it? Many of AS/ASD people do, and then learn by our 30's (or whenever, different for everyone) to intentionally not to do so. Many waitresses get sexually harassed so incredibly much that they become very sensitive to it (much as we get sensitized to being treated poorly). After a while, a single long stare that isn't a perfect hey-I-need-some-service-please-glance can be interpreted as oogling. Usually because it is.

My older friend Barb and I are always going to a family restaurant. I always order a pop and she always orders toast and coffee. There's an older waitress who's always giving us both dirty looks. She hates to serve us because we're both on the spectrum and she hates people with disabilities. I think the boss of that restaurant let the wrong waitress go.

Did she actually say she hates people with disabilities?

Don't take s**t like that from people. Simply don't tip at all. Why did you tip her 15 percent? Tipping is to show appreciation for good service. I would have flat out asked her why she said I had a creepy face. I've become more confrontational about things like this. The only downside is when you are wrong and the person really didn't say what you think they did. Other than that though- it can really put people on the spot and force them to say something about it.

Not to sound sexist- but I really do think young women are so much more judgmental than men and older women. Could have to do with the fact that women at that age get lots of attention and gratitude for free. They are basically spoiled. A lot of them have some kind of chip on their shoulder and think every guy must be into them. A lot of women are really nice but I've noticed around 10 percent of them simply have this attitude that they don't need to show appreciation or respect for anything.

I like to tip. It feels good. I don't tip because I feel I have to - I tip to reward good service. The service would have to be exceptionally bad for me not to tip though. But if I were 100 percent sure that the waitress insulted me behind my back- she wouldn't be seeing any of my money. Would probably write out the word "zero" in the tip line.

And then don’t ever go back to her restaurant to give her the chance to spit on your food or worse (again?).

I think you might be spot on. That one waitress did, after all, say I had creepy eyes. And what do creepy eyes do? They stare. At least I learned not to do it as I got older. While women still say I'm unattractive even now, no one in the last five years referred to me as "creepy". And when I go to restaurants, I get good service. Probably because I don't "stare" at servers like I used to.

I still gave her a full tip because I somehow thought she was right: I am a creep, with a creepy face/eyes to match. So I figured giving the proper tip will make me less creepy somehow. I guess I should have given her a 25-cent tip, like I did with the waitress that was being deliberately slow and made my food look messy on purpose.

That treatment is appalling and you shouldn't have tipped AT ALL. No tip, plus ask for the manager and complain, and then never return to that restaurant again.

Nobody should be treated this way just because of ASD, or how they look physically. That's despicable.

I tipped her because I "knew" she was right. Not about mistreating me, but about me being a creep (because of my eyes). So I didn't want to be cheap too.

But that's awful Aspie1! She's not "right" about you being a creep. It's a horrible thing for one human being to say about another human being for no better reason than they think someone's "eyes are creepy."

That's completely unwarranted, uncalled for and unprofessional on her part. She should be fired from her job for saying a thing like that about a customer.

I don't even have to see what you look like to know that no matter what your eyes look like, it's wrong for anyone to call you a name like "creep" just because they are cruel enough to form a cruel opinion of your eyes. In saying that, she wasn't "right," she was cruel.