What is It?

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Hi,

Im male and 40 years old. I realised over New Year, that I was doing things to make other people happy, that I was going out to places I didn't really enjoy, or at least could tolerate for a certain amount of time before getting irritated, but burying that irritation.

I don't really know how I feel when I go out, I don't have a lot of thoughts and feelings. Boredom, irritability, anxiety. I need to be in control of me and my environment. I need to escape. Im done here. I want to go home. I think for years I could bury that feeling deep down, but now I can't. Either that or I wasn't burying it and I have changed. I don't know. It's confusing.

Anyhow, I recall over the years every time I've had some problems at home or at work and I've discussed it with someone. Sometimes they've turned around and said "my son's like that, he has aspergers". Then I watch films about people with aspergers and can relate to it so well.

I don't like people touching me and brushing past me, that creeps me out, makes me flinch. But if it's a full on hug and I know what's happening, that's fine. I struggle socially, I can't go up to people unless they're one on one. Im no good in group situations, Im too busy listening and I don't speak up for myself. I think that what Im going to say is foolish, or doesn't fit in, or I can't find a gap in the conversation because it's bouncing from one person to the other with topic changes and I get frustrated I can't say my piece - if I do get something to say.

Im in awe when I listen to other people socialise, the way they form questions. I wish I could be like that, but forming questions, just doesn't happen. Im random. I remember in school and college, most of my repertoire was TV quotes.

I only have a few close friends who Im not like this with, but I think it's fair to say it's only just recent years I've started trying to be more interested in them as people. They know I love them and would do anything for them. But we never really had deep conversations. I've just started learning to listen for keywords in a sentence that I can respond to. Acquaintances though confuse the hell out of me because they call themselves friends then don't invite me anywhere and don't take me up on invitations. They don't buy me any gifts or cards for my birthday. What gives? But then some of my close friends don't buy me gifts or cards but they do invite me round and we spend time together. So I spend a long time reading up about friends, the different friend types, putting together a spreadsheet of what makes a friend a friend in my head so I can judge these acquaintances who call themselves friends so I know what Im dealing with.

Generally unless you're a close friend, Im not going to approach you. I also generally won't approach you if you're speaking to someone else because it looks like you're busy enough.

Im not very good with eye contact or people who invade your personal space. A few times people have been speaking to me, and I've backed off, they've got closer, I've backed off, they got closer... Before I know it, Im halfway across the room. This Im sure was subconcious.

I don't really have any routines as such. But I do have a need to be in control. I don't know if that is different sides of the same coin. I need rules to tell me what to do, it gives order and structure, expectation. But they can't be too restrictive. Like, I need to know what to wear, but I can't be told what colour.

Im a slob and a mess, but I pride myself on my personal appearance. I live with my parents and my room is a total mess. I can't stand people going in there and tidying up. I like my disorder, I like my mess. I like chaos. Perfection seems false. But Im a perfectionist. I have high standards of quality.

I don't mind going to concerts - especially concerts I like. But when it's things I don't like, I do lose a bit of control. I need to feel connected to it somehow, part of it, I need to, give in I guess. When music goes on too long, my ears get achey and I have to get out.

I remember going to a nightclub as a kid (well it was for kids at the time) and I stood in the corridor as far away from the noise as possible. I was really sensitive to it. I don't know how I got over that fear. Noises are really getting to me at the moment, noises that didn't seem to before, like the clock ticking, the water gushing through the central heating, my parents in the house talking to each other. Is it just because I hate my parents?

I've been told I was always happy, but also a shy, nervous and worried kid. I would never push myself into the limelight. I would keep to myself. I've been told I was too serious, too pressured, I tried too much to be like other people when all I need to do is practice and get more interests because Im attached to doing one particular thing at a time. And they say Im too wound up by noises.

I remember being different to other kids when I was 9 or 10, I just didn't join in with a lot of different things. I kept myself on the sidelines at birthday parties. I think I was definitely more talkative, I remember conversations, or learning about someone who needed growth hormone. Grief, the memories coming back as I type this. But then all through my life I would assimilate behaviour and words, and here, at this age, I assimilated the behaviour of our dog and I started pretending to be a dog and sniff bottoms. I certainly didn't get any kudos points for it.

I can't remember too much what I was like during the 15 to 20 years. I've been described as being shy of women, while being over excitable and like a puppy around friends.

I've always been shy around women. I wouldn't pick up on any flirting or anything like that, Im not assuming. You would have to make it absolutely obvious for me. Don't sign your texts with an x either because that gets me wondering - especially if you're an acquaintance and not a friend. I think you might be trying to come on to me. The only two girlfriends I've had are really because other people have got us together.

I practice and script some essential conversations.

Is it possible that instead of an outward expression, if someone has aspergers and they've been told to stop babbling all the time when relatives came round (like I was), that they actually end up internalising everything and direct their symptoms inward?

I've done the Aspergers tests and came out with mixed traits on the RDOS, and 31 on the AQ-50. 9/10 on the AQ-10.

The AQ test has confusing questions.

Do I enjoy meeting new people? Yes. I love meeting new people. But Im no good at it, I find it stressful, don’t have the right things to say, keep mostly silent. Im not good at meeting new people and I get frustrated when they start talking. Maybe therefore I don’t enjoy it! Maybe Im misunderstanding the question as “Do you want to meet new people?”

But.

And here it is. Could I have aspergers or something else?

I was nervous and shy and sniffed other peoples bottoms as a child. Fair enough. Got that. Grew up. I seem to recall I normalised a bit between 15 and 20. I can't recall too much apart from quoting from TV and from what people said as me being overexcited. But Im sure I wasn't as bad then as I am now with conversation - though I still was shy with women, and relied on other people making the first move in friendship.

Then it all started to go wrong. I thought I had remained the same and it was people around me who were different. But it appears maybe I have lost confidence and grown shyer. It's like the peak was 15 to 20 years old. I figure now at 40, Im just learning or trying to sort out some confidence issues that I though I always had. But maybe they are recent onset. I certainly have a problem connecting to people. But why.

What would be a good diagnosis for me that is recent onset? Or that at least would always be there but dissipate between the ages of 15 and 20?

That doesn't sound like Aspergers. Even social anxiety starts earlier doesn't it? I don't crave routine. I have none of the mannerisms. Apparently my brother was similar to me, but he trained himself out of "it" and is a high flyer. I don't stim, unless my eccentricities (of which I am completely not like other people - I make noises - voluntarily noises at work, whooping, growling, flapping my arms in the air, finger drumming, air drumming) count as such? But I don't think they do because Im sure they're more recent onset. I actually don't really know why I do it. Maybe I do it to inject energy. Would certainly explain jumping up and down and waving my hands in an excitable fashion. Im good with sarcasm, jokes, don't think I really had a problem, though I was sometimes naive and once believed gullible really wasn't in the dictionary - but not having read that far in the dictionary, I didn't know. Im OK with change, to a certain extent though going to new places can stress me out unless I go with someone else or meet them outside. Otherwise I have a tendency to escape and go elsewhere. I am moderately OK socially, just not with everybody. I am an overthinker, worry too much and over analyse. I have had obsessional phases over the years - how normal they are, I don't know. But I know Im obsessing about this far too much, it's actually affecting my work. That's another thing that doesn't sound aspergerish - I work. Though I don't like my work Im fighting every impulse to run away. And I talk and write far too much. I have fifteen pages for the GP when I go and see him - but now after having reanalysed and reprocessed my position, I feel like Im a big fraud, it's all in my head, nothing going on, get over it, you absolute charlatan, you've shared all this with other people and you haven't really got a clue what's going on, you absolute dingbat. You've made other people worry, basically told them you're not as close with them as they think they are, sold them down the river and for what, because you have low confidence? Boo hoo.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what it could be. Asperger could make sense, but there's just some things that say, no, it's not. It's like aspergers, there's traits, but it might be more cognitive than anything. It might be social anxiety.

Im just looking for more clarity of wisdom from people in the know. Who best to tell you it's not aspergers, but they've seen something like it before and this is what it could be....

Thanks

Outside of "sniffing bottoms" and "avoiding routines", you sounded a lot like me. H.F.A. is only my secondary diagnosis, while S.P.D. is my primary. I'd say you're likely on the spectrum, but I cannot pinpointe exactly where.

I've done some more tests. AQ 40 (now), EQ 22, but I got a really good FQ and SQ score. Though I understand this doesn't mean anything.

Again not diagnosed, just investigating.

The annoying thing on the AQ is the questions, how do you interpret them? Do I prefer theatre or museums? Well, I like being with friends wherever they might be. Haven't really thought about it. Theatre is relatively good to go to to just switch off and stop thinking. Do I enjoy it? Dunno. If I do, why don't I do more of it? I always preferred museums, especially the science museum. But I don't go anywhere by myself as I believe I will look sad and pathetic and wait for invitations rather than picking up the phone.

I generally don't choose where to go. I generally don't take the initiative to invite people anywhere. Other people do the work. I don't think about it. Im by and large happy to sit at home doing nothing unless someone invites me.

Do I enjoy social chit chat? I guess so. If by social chit chat, you mean, do I enjoy talking to friends. But I also get frustrated with it because Im not as good as other people. I hate people talking at me too.

Does it upset me if my daily routine gets changed? I don't have a daily routine. But I get very angry if I can't do what I want to do, like, if I have to stay an hour later at work! I want to be in control.

Remembering phone numbers? Useless. But I remember loads of passwords and learned TV quotes when I was younger. I have no specific skills at the moment. No motivations.

Couple of other questions...

Where do Aspie's sit on hypocrisy? I can't abide it.
Do Aspies take responsibility in inviting people out? I must admit, Im terrible at it. I forget about it mostly and put the responsibility on others. Unless people complain or I think about it, but it's difficult, because I don't know how people are going to react. But if it's something I really want to do, then Im there trying to bring other people along with me.

Finally

I read about (some) Aspie's putting on NT masks to get by.

Im at the stage in my life where I don't know who I actually am.

What do I like? What do I enjoy? Do I really enjoy hanging out with these people called friends? Do I actually enjoy these things that I actually go out and do? In many respects I feel sort of indifferent to them. I think. But I wouldn't want to give them up because I have an attachment to them.

Do I have a mask? Where do I end and my mask begin?

I learned from a young age to make other people happy. Never argue. Be complicit. Tell the truth. I also learned never to really trust what comes out of anyones mouth and to form my own set of rules about acceptable behaviour. I also learned it was more preferable to bite my lip and shut up.

It may be that this doesn't add up to aspergers, and it may just be something like aspergers.